


Alliances

by Yoescribo



Category: Original Work
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Humor, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arranged Marriage, Attempt at Humor, Awkward Romance, Awkwardness, Backstory, Bad Flirting, Bisexual Character, Character Development, Character Study, Comedy, Cute, Daddy Issues, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Eventual Romance, Everyone Has Issues, Everyone Needs A Hug, Explicit Consent, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Family, Family Drama, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Female Protagonist, First Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Forced Marriage, Gallows Humor, Gay, Girls Kissing, Happy Ending, Healthy Relationships, Heavy Angst, Historical, Humor, I Tried, Idiots in Love, Kings & Queens, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Sex, Lovers to Friends, Middle Ages, Non-Graphic Violence, Older Woman/Younger Woman, POV Alternating, POV Female Character, POV Multiple, Past Violence, Plot, Plotty, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Power Dynamics, Probably Overambitious, References to Depression, Romance, Romantic Comedy, Romantic Fluff, Sad and Happy, Sexual Content, Sibling Bonding, Siblings, Sisters, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Softcore Porn, Strangers to Lovers, Strong Language, Sweet, Switching, Teasing, Tragedy/Comedy, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Women Being Awesome, Worldbuilding, at times - Freeform, sex then feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:46:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 42
Words: 44,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27203354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yoescribo/pseuds/Yoescribo
Summary: Remi, once engaged to Laurence Elswyth, is forced to marry his older sister when he dies suddenly, as the alliance between their families is too important.Neither of them are happy about this.At first.They get over it.
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Female Character, Original Female Character/Original Male Character
Comments: 28
Kudos: 80





	1. I Guess We're Married Now

Remi is trying to listen to what the priest is saying, but all she hears is the blood pounding through her ears.

"We've come together today for the joining of Lady Remi Fonteyn, and Lord Aarav Elswyth." The priest says, tone flat.

He continues on, reciting something or other about the honor of their union.

Remi feels her heart quicken. _T_ _his doesn't feel real_

"Bride, is it true that you come of your own free will?"

"Yes, it is true." Somewhat true.

"With whom do you come, and whose blessings accompany you?"

Lord Elswyth steps forward, in place of her Father. "She comes with me, and is accompanied by all of her family's blessings." His words are clipped, it's probably the most she has heard him say.

"Please join hands, and listen to that which I am about to say."

Mirin takes her hands. 

He drones on, and Remi glances up at Mirin. 

Mirin smiles at her. Maybe she can tell how nervous she is. 

Mirin speaks next, "I have not the right to bind thee to bride, only you have this right. If it be your wish, say so." 

"It is my wish." Her voice hardly waivers.

"Lady Fonteyn, if it be your wish for Lord Elswyth to be bound to you, place the ring on her finger."

Remi's hands are shaking, but she manages.

"Lord Mirin, if it be your wish for the bride to be bound to you, place the ring on her finger."

Aarav strokes her thumb along her hand after she slips the ring on. 

The gesture surprises Remi.

The priest hands a cup to Aarav, ready to seal the ceremony. She tips it gently against Remi's lips.

Remi does the same for Aarav

Her heart beats faster, somehow.

Now she's married.

She tries not to panic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first and only thing I've ever written, so it's kind of a mess, but I hope someone can enjoy it.


	2. This Is Awkward

The celebration after the ceremony is a more jovial affair. As men will take any excuse to get drunk.

Remi can't hear her own thoughts for all the talking and laughing, it echoes through the hall.

Occasionally one of the guests will come up and slap her on the back, congratulating her, and wishing her and Mirin good health and fortune.

She finds this to be a rather irritating custom. 

Remi takes a deep breath, she has managed to calm herself in the hours since the ceremony.

She had known this day would come, she did not expect _this_ , however.

Remi looks around the room, trying to spot Aarav, and sees her standing near the far wall, busy conversing with some young nobleman whose name she doesn't know.

She takes the time to look at her, something she hadn't been able to bring herself to do earlier.

She doesn't really look anything like her brother. Dark, curly hair above her shoulders, strong features.

She takes a long drink from her cup.

This isn't what she would've chosen, had there _been_ a choice. Remi hasn't known her long, hadn't really known Laurence either, but she saw the sharp contrast between them.

Laurence had kind eyes that sparkled when he laughed. She doesn't think Aarav's eyes don't have the same warmth.

As the hour drags on, her thoughts drift away from Aarav and towards home.

She misses her sisters terribly. She wishes someone, anyone, she knows was here.

Someone other than Aarav, she doesn't count. 

She's trying will away the headache she feels coming on when she see Lady Corisande coming over to her table. She sits up straight, giving Corisande a fixed smile. "Good evening, my lady."

"Please, call me Corisande." She smiles.

Corisande's eyes crinkle at the corners when she smiles, and Remi once again notices how pretty she is. Fair hair and green eyes, different from everyone else Remi has seen here. 

"It's been quite a day, I was wondering how you're faring." Corisande says softly. 

Remi doesn't know how to answer that. "I'm well, thank you." 

Corisande nods. "If you need anything come and see me. I want you to be comfortable here. And if—"

Someone shouts at Corisande. She gives Remi an apologetic look. 

Remi smiles again, genuine this time. "I will, thank you." 

Corisande looks satisfied. She offers a small smile before turning away, walking back toward the guests. 

And so Remi is left alone with her thoughts.

She is considering slipping away when someone lays a hand on her shoulder, she jumps, looking up, it's Aarav. She hadn't even noticed her walking over. 

"Pardon, I didn't mean to startle you." She says in her lilting Northern accent.

Remi finds her voice to be soothing, despite everything. "My lord." Remi greets.

Aarav tilts her head slightly. She moves to sit in the chair next to Remi, sprawling in a way Remi would never dare to. Her governess always said slouching is ill-bred.

"You look very fine." Aarav says softly.

Remi feels her face grow warm when she stops internally chiding Aarav long enough to understand what she just said.

She glances up at Aarav and sees her watching her intently, a small smile playing on her lips.

"Thank you." She refuses to act as if she were a blushing maiden. 

Even if she _is_ a blushing maiden.

They sit in slightly uncomfortable silence for awhile. Aarav occasionally taking a drink from her glass. Remi realizes she hasn't seen her put it down all evening, though she seems sober enough.

As the silence stretches on, Remi feels as though she should say something, though she isn't sure what.

Aarav speaks before she can, however.

"What were you thinking about?" 

"Before, I mean." Aarav clarifies, at the look of confusion on her face.

"Honestly?" 

Aarav nods. She wouldn't have asked if she didn't want to know.

"I was thinking about leaving." She sighs, and steels herself for the hours more she'll spend sitting here.

She starts when Aarav suddenly leans toward her.

Aarav stands, only slightly unsteady, and offers her hand to Remi. "Then let's leave."

* * *

Mirin leads her out of the great hall, past all the fine tapestries, and paintings. It's dark out, and there is moonlight dappling the stone floor. Remi is still holding her hand, which she finds to be very agreeable. 

She knows she has indeed drank too much when it takes her several moments to remember which way takes them to her- _their_ rooms.

They turn left, and up the stairwell. 

Mirin is glad Remi wanted to leave. 

They managed to slip out unnoticed, which saves Remi the humiliation of the _ceremony._

An old custom which isn't truly followed anymore, but the thought of the rowdy, liquored up men downstairs accompanying them, even just to the door, is rather unpleasant.

She turns her head to look at Remi as they make their way down the hall. 

Remi catches her eye, and Mirin feels _something._

She takes a deep breath, and rights herself.

They take a right, and Mirin's door is at the end of the hall.

She let's go of Remi's hand, and goes ahead to hold the door open for her.

And Corisande calls her _unmannerly._

The first thing she notices is the warmth of a crackling fire, chasing the chill of the house away. She lets out a breath, relaxing some. Bless Mallory.

The second thing she notices are the trunks and chests that weren't here before. Looks the houseboys have been busy.

She guesses they are Remi's. She hadn't really considered the reality of _living_ with her. 

She unbuttons her jacket as she moves toward the sofas in the middle of the room. 

She sits, and starts unlacing her boots.

After a moment, Mirin looks up and sees Remi standing just where she left her. Hands clasped tightly in front of her.

"You can sit, if you'd like." She says, in what she hopes is a soft tone. 

"If it pleases you." Remi says quietly. 

She moves to the sofa opposite her. 

Remi sits carefully, ankles crossed, hands resting delicately on her lap.

Remi thinks it could probably be worse. 

Mirin smiles, despite herself. Remi is every bit a lady. Definitely not the kind of person she would've imagined herself with.

Not that she ever would have imagined this.

She looks at Remi.

She looks young.

She _is_ young.

Some sort of protective instinct awakens, and she doesn't know why. 

Maybe it's because she reminds Mirin of her sister. Mirin realizes that despite the time she has spent here, she never bothered to ask her age.

Though, in fairness to herself, quite a lot has happened, and she's had more pressing things to consider. 

Also, Remi has avoided her like the plague.

She would guess she is maybe sixteen summers, certainly no more than seventeen. 

Remi lock eyes with her, and Mirin sees something flicker there that makes her feel slightly guilty, she isn't sure why, she hasn't even done anything yet.

_Isn't going to do anything._

_Obviously._

She is trying to be diplomatic about this. Chivalrous, even.

She knows Remi doesn't want to be here. Neither does she, but it is what it is. And it could be worse. Remi seems agreeable enough, and she's not half bad to look at. What with her pretty brown hair and honey colored eyes. 

Which doesn't matter.

But, y'know–

Anyway. 

Mirin places a hand on her thigh. Remi's clear discomfort has made her feel guilty.

Not that she has anything to feel guilty about.

She hasn't, isn't, and won't do anything.

She knows the comfort of the bride isn't necessarily of great importance to most, but she's not a godless degenerate, despite what they say.

Mirin takes a breath. 

"Would you like something to drink?" Mirin asks, hoping she hasn't startled her, she seems excitable. 

Remi nods, "Yes, thank you." 

Great, drinking.

Now _that_ Mirin can do. 


	3. It's Still Pretty Awkward

Remi watches her cross the room, to the sideboard. 

She's trying to relax. She was prepared for marriage. 

She sighs. 

But not for this.

She knows this is not exactly uncommon, she isn't that naive. But it never ends in marriage. She genuinely can't believe this has happened. 

She must be the only girl in the world married to a—

Aarav walks back offering her one of the glasses.

She takes it with a murmured, "Thank you, My lord."

Aarav stands there, looking at her with an odd expression on her face.

Remi wonders if she has somehow misstepped and not realized it.

"You don't have to do that." she says finally.

"I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

Aarav waves her hand "Use my title. Unless you really, really, have to. It seems kind of ridiculous, you know? Just call me Mirin."

_Mirin?_

She had thought Aarav was an odd name for a woman, maybe she prefers her middle name.

Remi thinks that's very strange. "Whatever pleases you." 

Aar— _Mirin_ nods, a small smile on her lips, and she moves to sit on the sofa across from her.

Mirin hasn't tried to touch her. Perhaps she isn't that way inclined, which would suit her just fine. She hadn't expected Mirin to be this courteous. She had expected cool indifference at best, and possibly something worse.

Remi stifles a yawn, and realizes just how tired she is. She's been awake since dawn. The wedding was early, and even with the help of two servants it took time to get prepared.

Though getting ready was easily the best part of the day. The only good part, even.

She and her sisters had been so excited to choose a dress. 

Of course that was _before._

She had chosen to wear her hair simply braided, as that's the fashion here. And Lady Corisande had given her a lovely gold necklace, interwoven chains, knotting where they meet in the middle. She had told her that it was her mother's, and she'd always intended for her daughter-in-law to have it on her wedding day. 

Then her eyes turned misty, and she had to excuse herself.

The maids had chirped about what a lovely bride she made. Then giggled about how fortunate Mirin was. She's pulled back to the present when Mirin gently clears her throat.

Remi's eyes flick up to Mirin.

"It's late, I'm sure you're tired."

Remi takes it as the invitation it is, hoping she isn't misinterpreting the situation. She follows Mirin to the door across room.

Mirin steps inside, holding it open for her.

It's spacious, and simply decorated. There are some portraits lining the walls. A wardrobe against one wall, a large desk, and several comfortable looking chairs.

What catches Remi's eye though, is the bookshelves along the far wall. 

"The wardrobe for your clothes is over there, and you can use the dressing table."

"Ah." Mirin gestures toward a screen in the corner of the room. "You can-there" 

Remi finds Mirin's clear embarrassment rather amusing. She usually has a maid to help with undressing, but she'll make do. 

She offers Mirin a smile. "Thank you."

Mirin nods. She lingers for a moment, and Remi thinks she's going to say something,

Then she's turning on her heel, pulling the door closed behind her.

* * *

Mirin goes back to the sideboard and pours another drink.

Leaning against the wall, she lets out a breath she'd been holding. She finds it hard to believe that she's responsible for this girl now. She has no idea what it is that she's supposed to do.She's never been married, never wanted to be.

But she is, and she's got to try her level best to not fuck this up.

Mirin thinks she has been amiable so far, maybe Remi will relax once she realizes Mirin isn't going to force her to do anything.   
Mirin is rather proud of herself for handling this so well. Hopefully she can keep it up.

She grabs the bottle of liquor before heading toward the sofa. She dislikes being called lord. 

It should be him here, with his new wife. But it isn't.

She needs to accept that.

She is trying to accept it. 

She takes another drink.


	4. Coarse, Rude, Crude.

Mirin wakes slowly, and wishes she hadn't, not for the first time. 

She has a hideous headache, and as she sits up a wave of nausea hits her.

"Son of a whore." 

She lays still for awhile before gently rising from the sofa, careful not to move too quickly.

"Good morning."

She looks up, and sees Remi sitting at the table, looking decidedly unamused. 

"Good morning" Mirin says cheerfully.

As cheerfully as she can, considering it feels as though she's been trampled by a herd of rather aggressive elephants.

"How are you this morning?"

It sounds more like an accusation than a question.

"I'm quite well, thank you." Mirin has the distinct impression that she has done something wrong.

"I trust you slept well. I hope it wasn't too cold, my rooms are always draftier than the rest of the court. It's actually quite strange, but I suppose that's why we have fireplaces. Anyway, you look lovely today, even more beautiful than yesterday, I wouldn't have thought it possible. Red really suits you." 

She doesn't appear to be dazzled by Mirin's charms.

Yet.

She hums. "Do always get blind drunk, or just on special occasions?" 

Mirin clears her throat, "It's actually a strongly held tradition to get bashed on your wedding night here in the North. You know, we'll use any excuse. Your birthday, your wedding, your gran's funeral." 

"I see." 

Mirin doesn't think she does.

Mirin claps her hands together. "Well, I'm going to go wash up, can't go round looking like a knockabout."

She doesn't run from the room, but it's a near thing.

Mirin leans against the door with a sigh. She's actually, slightly impressed that she has already managed to offend Remi.

She walks to her dressing table, pouring some water from the pitcher into the basin.

After she washes up she feels better. Which, considering she's been praying to the gods for a swift death, still isn't very good.

Now she just has to work up the courage to go back to the drawing room.

* * *

Remi is tapping her fingers on the table. 

She was rather distressed to come to the drawing room this morning, only to see Mirin passed out on the couch, arm slung over her face, empty bottle of liquor on the floor. 

Now she is getting a feel for the kind of person Mirin is. 

So, she's been married off to a coarse, ill-mannered drunk.

Marvelous. 


	5. Once In A Lifetime

Remi is looking at the books on Mirin's shelves, running her fingers along the spines. Mirin hadn't struck her as the bookish type.

She hadn't been able to bring all of her books, and she has enjoyed looking through Mirin's collection. 

As she is taking books from the shelf to flip through them, something catches her eye. 

In the middle of the shelf sits a tiny portrait. She picks it up to look closer, it's a young woman, with black hair and a bronze complexion. She's very pretty.

Remi wonders why she didn't notice it before.

She has a small tilt to her mouth, as though trying to suppress a smile.

She actually look a little like Mirin. Remi wonders who she is. A sister?

She hears the door open and glances over her shoulder.

Mirin walks in, and when she sees what Remi is holding she tenses. 

Remi decides to be casual. "Oh, hello. I hope you don't mind me borrowing one of your books, I've been rather bored, and I've missed reading.

Mirin stops in the middle of the room. "No, I don't mind, anything of mine you can have." 

After a moment Mirin walks over to her, gently taking the portrait from Remi's hands.

Mirin looks at it for a long while, then Remi seems her relax slightly. 

"I was wondering who she is, she looks like you." Remi says.

"I suppose she would." Mirin is silent for a moment. "I suppose you'll hear about it anyway." 

Remi wonders what could possibly be so scandalous.

"She's my mother. No, Lady Corisande isn't my mother, yes, she was a courtesan, and yes, you are married to a baseborn. My apologies."

Remi opens her mouth and closes it. That's a lot to take in.

It's almost as though she read Remi's mind. Perhaps she's heard all of those questions before.

It occurs to Remi that Mirin said 'was' but she doesn't think now is an appropriate time to ask.

Mirin is looking away, expression placid. 

"It's not- there is no shame in that." Remi knows that's not true.

They both do. 

"It doesn't make any difference to me." Remi says.

Mirin smiles, but there is no humor in it. "You say so now. Your mind will be changed when people start whispering as you walk by. If they laugh, the joke is that a lady was forced to marry the daughter of a doxy."

"I don't care. I have a good sense of humor. If they laugh I'll smile and ask what is so amusing." Remi says.

Mirin finally looks at her. For a moment Remi thinks she's going to say something, then she turns and walks away.

Remi wonders if things could possibly be worse.

* * *

Their situation isn't ideal, but Mirin is trying to be accomadating.

Things are still awkward, and Mirin knows Remi isn't very impressed with her.

Which is fair.

Mirin knows what she is, and now Remi does too.

She would've moved it if she hadn't been drunk, and she hadn't thought to in the weeks since the wedding.

Mirin doesn't blame her for being curious, but she wishes Remi hadn't seen it.

Then again, she would've found out eventually, and when she did she would have been upset at Mirin for keeping it from her. So maybe it was for the best. 

Mirin hadn't expected her to take it that well, though maybe it hasn't set in yet.

That's probably it.

Mirin should be prepared for crying later, or some other unpleasant thing.

The barmaid finally walks over and Mirin takes the cup, knocking it back before she can think better of it.

She has tried not to drink around Remi, it seems to upset her. 

So she drinks elsewhere.

Mirin has always been a problem solver.

She can't believe this. Any of it.

She isn't meant for marriage, Camilla knows that, that's why they work.

Worked.

Fuck.

She isn't going to think about it right now.

Remi had probably thought things couldn't get any worse after marrying her, but she would have been wrong.

Mirin thinks the gods are probably laughing at her right now. Why else would they do this, give her Remi, who she never wanted, keeping her from the only person she ever _has_ wanted.

Not that it would be difficult to want Remi.

She is young, pretty, all the things they write about in the songs and poems.

But she doesn't know her.

She doubts she could ever feel for Remi what she feels for Camilla. 

It's a once in a lifetime thing. 

Not that it matters, Remi isn't like her, and she isn't delusional enough to think anything she feels would be reciprocated.

Mirin supposes all she really has to do is leave Remi alone, they can go on without bothering each other.

Mirin feels an ache in her chest.

It's a familiar thing now. 

At this point she doesn't even know which pain is causing it. Maybe it's just all of them, mixed together. 

She really has to stop feeling so sorry for herself.

As bad as she may feel, she knows Remi must feel worse.

Which is why she will try to do the right thing.

She is _sure_ Remi will appreciate the effort. 

She smiles wryly, waving the empty cup at the barmaid.


	6. Define "Avoiding"

Mirin wouldn't say she has been _avoiding_ Remi. She is busy.

With Lordly things.

Lord's have many things to do.

A lot more than Mirin expected. 

And it's all boring. 

On top of all that, she feels very strange about what happened. She doesn't know why she so readily told Remi about her Mother.

She would've found out from the nobles visiting Havellan anyway, or the servants, Mirin reasons.

What bothers her though-

When she had told Remi she saw pity in her eyes, and if there is one thing Mirin loathes, it's someone's pity. 

There is no need to feel sorry for her.

There is nothing wrong with her, or her life.

She tosses back her drink, and stands from the table. It's after midnight now, and she knows Remi will be unhappy with her.

This is one advantage of being Mirin, no one has ever cared where she spends her time, or what she does with it. 

Well, Ara has tried to put his foot down a few times, but that obviously didn't work out. 

And things have been changing lately.

As she walks back to the keep she has time to think. 

For some reason Remi seems to _care_. She doesn't understand why, they've been married only two months, and they hardly know each other.

It's probably more her reputation than Mirin that she is concerned with. That would actually make sense. 

Which is fine. Mirin understands. 

Obviously Remi doesn't want to be humiliated more than is absolutely necessary. 

Mirin _knows_ Remi doesn't want this.

She understands that too.

As much as she may try to hide it behind polite words and false smiles.

Mirin doesn't blame her, though. 

Does anyone ever want to be engaged to someone who is practically a stranger, then be married to another stranger altogether?

She doesn't see why Remi should be forced into a role that she never wanted. 

She never wanted this either. It turns her stomach if she thinks on it too long.

Miraculously, she makes it back to the keep without being robbed _or_ stabbed. A pity, that. 

She slips in through the kitchens, and heads up through the servant's stairwell. 

She is hoping Remi will be asleep. Mirin ever so slightly misses her bed, but she isn't going to risk crossing some line. 

She has enough problems already. 

The gods have favored her today, Remi is nowhere to be seen when she walks through the door. 

She relaxes some. 

She slips her off her boots, and throws them aside before collapsing back onto the sofa.

She wishes-

It doesn't matter.

When do wishes ever come true. 


	7. What's A Hero Without A Tragic Backstory

Something seems to have shifted between them.

Despite that, Remi still isn't happy.

She's thought they might've gotten somewhere after Mirin told her about her Mother.

Apparently she was wrong. 

Mirin is notably absent most of the time. Probably out drinking, and doing who knows what else. 

Remi has noticed that Mirin hasn't slept in her own bedroom since the wedding.

And that's ridiculous. 

Though she's out most nights anyway. 

Mirin avoids her now more than she did before.

When she does spend time in the same room as Remi, she acts as though she is being drawn and quartered. 

If only. 

She is sitting on sofa with a book when Mallory comes in to change the linens. 

"Good Morning, My Lady." Mallory says. 

She's always cheerful, Remi likes her.

Remi smiles. "Good Morning." 

She's still thinking about her.

Because she can't seem to keep from thinking about her.

It's probably a natural reaction to her situation. She still feels irritated by it. 

Remi glances at Mallory. 

She has noticed that Mirin, and Mallory appear to be friends. Which is odd, she can't say she has ever heard someone talk to a maid, or any servant, the way Mirin does.

She is always telling them, 'Please would you' or 'Thank you'. 

She even seems to know most of their names.

Even though it's strange, Remi thinks it's actually very nice. So Mirin does have some decency, deep down. 

Remi decides to put the book down, she's been staring at the same page for several minutes.

Mallory comes back to the drawing room then, laundry in tow.

She decides to try being a little more courteous herself. "Thank you, Mallory." 

"Of course, no need to thank me." Though Mallory is obviously pleased.

Mallory hesitates, lingering near the door.

Remi looks at her, she looks like she wants to say something, so Remi asks, "Is anything the matter?"

After a moment she says, "No-"

"Well, yes. Sort of." 

She sets the laundry down. "There is something I've been meaning to say to you." 

Remi braces herself for something unpleasant. 

Mallory claps her hands together. "Alright. Ah, I've know Mirin for years, since we were children, in fact. I know she is, um, _undisciplined,_ maybe even abrasive, at times. I also know people say many things about her, most of them true, but she is goodhearted."

She's quiet for a moment.

Then she sighs. "Don't let her fool you, she may try to portray herself as wholly indifferent, but I think she often cares too much for her own good." 

"I... see." 

Something occurs to her, and she stands, suddenly, walking over to Mallory. "Has she said something to you?" Remi says, sharper than she intended.

"I-" Mallory starts. 

"You'd think I've caught the plague, she's been avoiding me for weeks, and I want to know why."

"I'd really rather not-" 

Remi feels a surge of frustration, she takes a deep breath. If she's honest, it's Mirin she is frustrated with, not Mallory. And if she is being even more honest, it was unfair to ask her to betray Mirin's trust. Though she was apparently correct about their relationship. 

After a moment Remi says, "It's alright. I shouldn't have asked," She sighs, turning away.

Then she remembers there is something else she's been wondering about, and Mallory did say they'd been friends since they were girls.

"Maybe there is something you _can_ tell me about, though." She hopes Mallory won't bolt.

"Yes?"

"I want to know about her Mother." Remi says. 

Mallory looks eyes widen, she looks surprised. "She told you?" 

Remi returns to the sofa, and motions for Mallory to sit, "She told me about her, mostly just that she was, um-"

Mallory follows hesitantly, and starts fiddling with the creases in her skirts. "She _was_ her mother," She corrects gently.

"Lia was from Kashan, I don't know very much about her. No more than anyone else does. When she was a young woman her parents sent her here, to Havellan, supposedly to visit her aunt, but I think they were hoping she would meet someone and marry. Apparently her family were only minor nobility, and her Father was in debt. So a marriage would've been advantageous for him."

"Some say she had gotten engaged to someone, but then she met Lord Elswyth,"

"Understandably, Lord Elswyth was quite taken with her, though he was already married. But when has that ever stood in a man's way. Everyone says she was an exotic beauty, and had a very sharp wit." 

"So, when Mirin came along, he acknowledged her, but she had no titles, she didn't use the family name."

"Several years went by, and apparently Lia had grown resentful of his treatment of her, and Mirin,"

"Eventually, they had a falling out, no one knows what happened, but she was dismissed. They say she had wanted to take Mirin with her, but Lord Elswyth wouldn't allow it, she was distraught, but nothing could be done about it, and she left. That's the end of it, really." She finishes quietly. 

Remi tries to sort through everything she just heard. It's actually a little worse than what she had imagined. What an awful thing.

How could Lord Elswyth have separated them? She doesn't know him well, but he hadn't struck her as a cruel man. 

She supposes she could've been wrong. 

She wonders if Mirin ever would have told her this. Probably not. Remi couldn't believe she had shared what little she had.

"Thank you for telling me."

Remi doesn't think it excuses the drinking, and the generally strange behavior, but she does feel some small amount of sympathy for Mirin.

Mallory nods in response, and rises from the sofa, "One more thing, I know it's tough, and Mirin never makes anything easy for herself, or anyone else, but she has given up quite a lot so maybe try to be charitable, yeah?"

She _has_ tried to be charitable. It hasn't gotten her far.

"I'll try." 

But she supposes trying, and succeeding are two different things.


	8. A Catastrophically Stupid Thing To Say

It's been nearly four months, and nothing has changed. Not matter how kind, or angry, or patient she acts. 

Always being seen alone is starting to embarrass her.

Moreso than that, Remi is actually just lonely.

She doesn't know anyone here, there is no one to talk to. 

She doesn't even know Mirin.

And Mirin seems almost afraid of her, though she can't fathom why.

She doesn't think she is a scary person. 

Mirin is always running off to the parlor to play cards, or the _inn._

She's scarcely seen her this week. She is out until Remi is falls asleep, and gone before she wakes.

Remi sighs. 

It could still probably be worse, she reminds herself. 

* * *

By the end of the fourth month, Remi has decided they need to talk. 

It's a stormy day, rain and wind beat against the windows as she walks down the hall, rehearsing what she is going to say.

She looks all over the keep, and can't find her. Not to be deterred, she asks a houseboy, who tells her he saw Mirin outside. 

She ventures outside, and starts rethinking the finer points of her brilliant plan once the fierce wind hits her.

She goes toward the garden, not sure where else she could possibly look. That's when she spots her.

Remi stops uncertainly when she sees Mirin is not alone. There is a woman with her, who she she recognizes as Camilla. 

She has seen her around. Remi thinks she is a writer, or a painter. Something like that. 

It's obviously a private conversation, and curious or not, it feels wrong to eavesdrop. Also, she is freezing.

So Remi heads back inside. She can talk to her later. 

She decides to wait for in the parlor by the storeroom, rarely used. That is why Mirin comes here, that much she does know. 

Remi waits. It's not as though she has anything else to do with her time. 

* * *

Mirin walks into the solar and she starts when she sees Remi sitting there.

"Good evening." Remi says, her tone even.

Mirin only hesitates for a second.

"Good evening, then." Mirin says, full of false cheer. She wonders how Remi knew she'd come here.

A beat passes.

"What have I done now?" She doesn't think she's done anything, nothing she can recall, anyway. 

"You haven't done anything," 

Remi stands and crosses the room,

She takes Mirin by the hand, with a truly surprising, and slightly disconcerting, amount of strength, and pushes her down into one of the chairs by the fire. Mirin is too shocked to resist.

Remi picks up a towel Mirin hadn't noticed before, _had she planned this?_ Then bends down, running it through her hair, and over her face. 

Mirin's breath catches in her throat, and she knows she has to get of this, before she does something _incredibly_ _stupid._

She has already done an incredibly stupid, unforgivable thing today. Mirin knows she is likely to do another, just so it hurts a little more. 

Remi steps back, eyes soft, and Mirin feels an ache in her—

Remi hits her.

–In her arm.

An ache in her arm.

"What was that for!?" 

"For being stupid." Remi says, too quickly for Mirin's taste. 

"What—"

It's true, but.

"Why would you go out in the pouring rain? You could die, and I will be very cross then."

If this isn't her being cross, then what would that look like? The thought actually makes Mirin shiver. Which is ridiculous, she's just a girl.

A girl, but a very mean one.

"I'd like to know why you've been avoiding me," She says softly.

"I-" Mirin tires to think, frantically.

"I haven't been avoiding you." It's a weak response.

And very obviously a lie. 

Remi's locks eyes with her, and Mirin changes course.

She clears her throat. "I've been busy. I have many things to do now, you know. Affairs of state, and such."

She waves her hand airily. 

"Is that so?" Remi's voice takes on an edge that makes Mirin feel slightly uncomfortable. 

"Yes, you'd be surprised at the issues I have to deal with, for instance, Sir Calder-"

Remi crosses her arms. "Since when are cards, and tupping alehouse whores concerns of the state?" 

Mirin's eyes widen.

" _What?"_ Her voice has rises a few octaves.

Why would Remi think–

She's never heard Remi use coarse language. She's surprised that Remi even _knows_ those words.

Then it occurs to Mirin that _how_ she learned them is incredibly important.

"Firstly, where did you learn language like that? secondly, they prefer _bawd,_ and thirdly, I haven't been _tupping alehouse whores,_ I have standards, you know."

She does, despite what everyone says. 

And she wouldn't do that to Remi. Or anyone. 

Remi waves her hand, "Enough talk of whores, I want to know."

Mirin doesn't actually know what to say. Usually she can skillfully evade uncomfortable questions, but Remi is not one to be so easily manipulated.

Which she has only just now discovered, at the most inopportune time.

Of course. 

"Just because we aren't in love doesn't mean we have to treat each other with complete disdain. We may as well be civil. Do you plan on avoiding me for the rest of your life?"

"It's not avoidance, I _have_ been busy. But I apologize if I've offended you."

She didn't say what she was busy _with,_ so it's not a lie.

Remi rubs a hand over her face. "Alright here's what you'll do, you will stop spending all your time-"

Mirin stands then, she feels her temper steadily rising,

Mirin knows it's a cataclysmic mistake before she says it-

She _really_ shouldn't,

But when has she ever listened to good advice?

"What I'm going to do? First if all, you are a _child,_ you don't tell me what to do. Secondly, technically, I tell _you_ what to do."

Remi inhales sharply, something Mirin doesn't recognize flashes in her eyes. 

Mirin steps back, realizing that they are, indeed, very alone.

"Is that so?"

Her tone is glacial, and Mirin knows she has truly fucked up.

Which-

Yeah.

Sounds about right. 

Remi steps forward, and Mirin feels her heart beat faster, not entirely out of fear, though she is ever so slightly concerned now. 

_"You will_ stop spending all your time at the card tables, _you will_ stop spending every night doing whatever debased thing it is you're doing, and _you will_ stop sleeping in the drawing room like some kind of sorry, miserable vagrant,"

" _Or_ , I can tell my Father how poorly I've been treated."

She knows by the look on Mirin's face she has out-maneuvered her, and satisfaction courses through her.

Well, it looks like Mirin is going to do as she says after all. 


	9. All This For The South?

When Mirin thinks about what brought them here, she realizes this plan was doomed to fail. 

The reason she is now married is because King Randolph died, and the King's nephew, Nicholas, was who he chose to succeed him. Nicholas being King has upset quite a few people, now there's talk of war. 

So Nicholas needs the South on his side, and one of the best ways to do that was to form treaties. He did so through negotiating trade, and marrying off every family member he has. But he had nothing to offer Baron Fonteyn, Except the offer of a son to marry one of his daughters.

Which is where Ara comes in. 

All this so Lord Fonteyn would be loyal to Lord Elswyth, who is loyal to Nicholas, who needs the South to keep his head attached to his shoulders. 

So, in short, Randolph fell from his horse, and ruined Mirin's life. 

Mirin has been loudly complaining about this to Mallory for the last hour.

Mallory sighs and shakes her head. "If it makes you feel better, literally everyone involved in this mess is miserable, too."

"That does make me feel better. Misery loves company, as they say. She's impossible. I can't do anything right. It's always, 'Mirin stop embarrassing me in front of everyone,' ' Mirin stop drinking', we only argue because she said I should be around more often, so I am, then she starts a fight." 

"You have to admit, most of these wounds are self inflicted." Though, to her credit, Mallory has never seen her try this hard, or this sober. 

"You've got only yourself to blame, they say first impressions matter, and yours was blacking out on the floor."

"Actually it was the sofa, but you're right, as usual. I know some of it-"

"You mean _most_ of it." 

_"Most_ of it is my fault. I didn't think it would be this hard. Remi seemed very docile at first. _Seemed,_ she isn't." 

Mallory laughs.

"Don't laugh, I blame you for at least half of this. Alright, maybe one tenth. But still."

"What did I do?" Mallory's voice goes high.

"You said something to her, now she is trying to turn me into a better person, or some nonsense. What did you even say?"

"It was all very innocuous, I promise. I gave her some advice on being newly married. Have you ever thought maybe she wants to help you because she _cares?"_

"You've never been married. And why would Remi bother, or care?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe because she'll be saddled with you for the rest of her life, and wants you to be less disagreeable? Also, all of my sisters are married, so I'd say I know more than _you._ "

"I'm not disagreeable."

Mallory waves a hand, as if illustrating a point.

Mirin rolls her eyes. 

"My advice is to stop making it about you. Imagine how she feels."

"I know." Mirin says softly. "If I try I'll go wrong, then what?" 

"You apologize, and try harder." 

"What would I do without you?" 

"You'd fuck everything up."

Mirin shrugs. "Sounds about right."

* * *

Remi is reading in the solar when someone taps on her shoulder.

She turns and sees Mirin.

"Do you want to go for a walk with me?"

She's surprised by the offer, and the suddenness of it. "Oh. Alright." 

They end up in the woods.

"I'm actually surprised I still remember the way." Mirin says.

Remi catches up to Mirin and sees a river, moving swiftly over smoothed rocks. 

"Me and the other children and I used to come out here to play. In hindsight, that wasn't the best idea."

Mirin sits, and Remi joins her.

After sitting in silence for awhile, watching the water, Mirin speaks. 

"Didn't you say you had sisters, once?"

Remi is wonders why Mirin is being friendly all of a sudden. "Yes, three, Kyrie is the oldest then Muriel, and Eleanor." 

"That must've been hard for you, to leave them." 

Remi turns to look at her then.

"Yes. I miss them. I also miss my dogs, and the ocean."

Mirin hums. "I had a dog, Amman. Best friend I ever had."

Remi recognizes the name, "You mean like Amman Colwyn?" 

"You know who he is?" 

"I read one of your books about him."

"You own a lot of history books." For some reason Remi finds that amusing.

"That's because history is interesting." 

"I'm not sure if Colwyn was as impressive as some make him out to be, not after reading about him, anyway." 

Mirin stares at her then, "He was the greatest general of a generation, Ammanford was named for him, you know." 

"He lost the battle of Grenfell _and_ Glace Bay."

"Well, he was a greater general than I'll ever be." She says, smiling.

They sit in silence for awhile, until the sun hangs low in the sky and the air turns chilly.

Mirin stands and offers her a hand.

Remi takes it. 

This is all she wanted. For Mirin to talk to her.

She feels lighter now. 

She smiles at Mirin, and she smiles too.


	10. Doing The Right Thing

Mirin sees Camilla across the room, and she has to walk out. 

Camilla had said she understood, but it didn't ease the hurt. It was a miserable day too, cold and raining.

Miserable all around, really. 

It's almost as though the universe had tried to make things as dramatic and unpleasant as possible. The first time Mirin had ever seen Camilla, she was no more than fourteen.

Camilla was older than her, and she seemed very sophisticated. 

Too sophisticated for Mirin.

Mirin thought she was the most beautiful woman she'd ever seen. 

And she told her so.

Camilla had blushed, and said, "Thank you, that's very kind." And Mirin knew. 

When she was brave enough to tell her how she felt, she found out Camilla felt the same way. Camilla wasn't Lady, but then, neither was Mirin. 

Her Mother was a portraitist, and Camilla inherited her talent. Sometimes she would sketch Mirin when she wasn't looking, just to embarrass her.

Camilla was the best thing in her life, easily. 

Mirin can't help thinking about it. 

* * *

Camilla comes up behind her, and leans over the back of the chair to kiss her on the cheek.

Mirin's heart starts hammering wildly against her ribs.

"I haven't seen you in ages, where have you been? I was starting to think you were hiding from me."

"Of course I'm not." Mirin smiles, but it's brittle. 

Camilla frowns, she moves around to the table in front of Mirin's chair and sits down.

"What's wrong?"

Mirin doesn't think she can do this.

Camilla takes Mirin's hands in her own. "Mirin? Is it about Laurence?"

"No, could we- would you walk with me?" 

Camilla nods and Mirin sees the concern written on her face.

They walk out to the garden, and they talk for awhile. Mirin doesn't have the courage to tell her. 

"Now, are you going to tell my why you are so down?" 

Right then there is a loud clap of thunder, Mirin hadn't noticed any clouds before. 

Then it starts raining. Mirin had grabs Camilla's hand and runs with her to the stables. It may not be completely dry, but at least it has a roof.

Camilla actually laughs, and it sounds so bright Mirin considers just not telling her. Not doing it at all.

Mirin can't look at her. If she does she won't have be able to say it.

She doesn't want to hurt her this way.

She wouldn't have to if things had worked out differently.

But it is what it is. 

"Milli, I can't see you again." There it is.

Camilla locks eyes with her, and her smile is gone. "What do you mean?" 

"I'm married."

"But you don't-"

"I know. But it wouldn't be right, and it wouldn't be fair. I won't do that." 

She can see Camilla is trying to blink back tears. 

"You know I didn't want to marry her, but nothing can be done about it now." 

Camilla starta crying then, and some empty place inside Mirin seemed to grow even larger. 

* * *

Mirin is soaking wet by the time she goes back inside. 

She heads toward the solar that no one ever uses, she doesn't know what she wants to do. Just knows that she doesn't want to be around anyone.

Then she sees Remi sitting there, and she knows she's going to do something stupid, like yell at her.

Or something incredibly stupid, like kiss her.

She steels herself.

"What have I done now?" She tries to smile.


	11. Strange People, Strange Customs

Remi thinks she's growing used to Nyvikstad.

Everything is so different here. She's realized women have much more freedom here than they do back home. She thinks of the marriage vows, 'I have no rightto bind thee to wife, if it be _your wish',_ no woman is asked If she wants to marry in Endal. 

And their clothing is different, Remi now understands some of the jokes she'd heard about Northern women back home, like 'In the South it's up with the skirt, in the North it's down with the trousers'.

But the strangest custom of all is women inheriting decidedly male titles. She hadn't wanted to ask and insult them, but eventually curiosity won out.

Mirin had actually laughed at her confusion. 'You don't do that in Endal? What if your sons die, or you have none at all, who handles matters then?'

Remi didn't really have an answer. 

Then Mirin had said something in Northern, ediya? It means if a family has no sons, or they die, the eldest daughter would be a 'son', handling business, inheriting property and titles. 

Very strange. 

Mallory finishes brushing her hair, and she remembers something she had meant to ask her.

"Mallory?"

"Yes, My Lady."

"I was thinking, when you told me about Mirin's mother, you said something, 'she has _given_ up a lot', not lost."

"I hadn't noticed. I didn't mean anything by it." 

Remi hums. She isn't sure she believes that, but she doubts pressing would work. There is steel underneath Mallory's well practiced obedience. 

Later, after Remi lays down, she hears the door open.

It's Mirin, she never comes in before Remi has gotten ready, and she very carefully keeps several inches of space between them.

It's still an improvement.

* * *

Mirin wakes, and for the first time in ages has no headache, isn't sick. When she opens her eyes, she sees Remi has already left.

She lays there awhile. 

She hasn't been able to bring herself to yet, but she decides to go see him today.

* * *

Remi wakes early, and sees that Mirin is still asleep, so she carefully slips out of bed and heads to the wardrobe, getting dressed as quietly as she can. 

It has been several weeks since the argument they had about Mirin's _lifestyle,_ Mirin hadn't talked to her for days after, so that stayed the same, but then last week she had decided to take Remi to the river, and Remi thinks the tension between them has eased somewhat.

It's been four months since the wedding, and in that time Remi has tried to be less-

Concerned with appearances maybe.

Last week she had heard some captain make a comment about how friendly Mirin is with the servants, and she'd felt angry, and then embarrassed that it was true, then angry that she was embarrassed.

She knows part of the reason she had been so hard on Mirin may have had something to do with her reputation.

Even though she'd told Mirin she doesn't care what people say, she's only human, and sometimes her pride gets the best of her. 

After exploring Remi decides to go and find Mirin. She asks two maids if they'd seen her, they say no.

Finally a stable hand points to the mausoleum, she hadn't paid attention to it before, it's on the edge of the property, near the woods, she doesn't usually go that far.

Despite how macabre it is, it's actually a beautiful building.

She hesitates, she doesn't want to bother Mirin, but then she wonders if she should be alone, visiting her brother will upset her.

And she drinks more when she's upset.

She decides to risk it.

She goes through the large doors, which are already open, and walks down the steps to the burial vault . She sees Mirin sitting in the corner, speaking lowly.

"You always did have a better sense of humor than me, though, I miss your jokes about Wendell, and I miss being able discuss plays with you,"

Mirin stops and inhales sharply.

"Mirin?"

Mirin's head snaps up. Remi walks carefully over, she sits next to her, against the wall.

Remi sits, she doesn't say anything. She hadn't known Laurence, not really. Their parents had decided they would marry three years ago, but they'd planned on waiting until she was older.

She had met him three times, and she had liked him. He was kind, and polite, he told lots of jokes, and people always laughed. She hadn't thought being married to him would be so terrible. 

"Would it offend you if I told you I don't feel like talking?" Mirin asks quietly.

"We don't have to talk. We can sit."

So they do, until Mirin is ready to leave.


	12. Chess And War

Remi thinks things have improved between them.

She had thought Mirin might be upset at being seen as weak, or some such nonsense, but she wasn't. She actually seems to have warmed to Remi somewhat.

Yesterday morning Mirin had actually stayed to have breakfast with Remi before leaving. 

And she is actually listening to Remi, which is how she ended up here, being measured by one of the most ill-tempered seamstresses she's ever met.

She had mentioned to Mirin that she needed new dresses, because hers wouldn't be warm enough for the winter, though this isn't the far North, it's still colder than Caledon. She _also_ wanted to trade her clothes for the kind considered fashionable here.

Mirin had just nodded, and said 'alright', and by late afternoon a woman was here to show Remi the different fabrics and styles. She hadn't she needed them _today._

But now she'll have five new dresses and a pair of trousers, because she now feels secure in the knowledge that her Mother isn't going to suddenly appear, and scold her for being unladylike.

When the woman leaves, Remi goes back to the drawing room.

Mirin is still sitting at the table, playing chess. She still seems fairly sober, which is better than drunk.

Remi walks over, "Would you mind if I join?" 

Mirin looks up at her, she stares for a moment before saying, "I didn't you know you played."

"But yes, please." It would be nice to play with someone other than Ansel or Silas. 

Mirin thinks Remi has been slightly more agreeable since the trip to the river.

Mallory was probably right. Isn't she always though.

After playing for awhile, Remi decides to say something, "Thank you, it was very kind of you." She just wants to see Mirin's reaction.

Mirin makes a vague gesture with her hand, and say, "It's fine."

She looks away as she says it.

There is a slight tint to her cheeks, and Remi realizes she's _blushing._ Which makes Remi feel—

She doesn't know what it makes her feel. 

It's nice, whatever it is. 

For some truly inexplicable, illogical reason, Remi is actually starting to like her, at least a little. When she looks past the indifference, the drinking, swearing, she sees Mirin isn't as bad as she had at first thought. 

Remi starts when she hears a knock at the door.

Mirin quickly gets up, all but sprinting to the door.

Remi wonders if it's because of her. 

"Lord Elswyth has sent for you." She hears the boy say, before rushing off.

Mirin turns to look at Remi. "I'll be back to finish our game." She says before closing the door.

Remi wonders what Mirin has done now.

* * *

Ara sits at his desk, waiting for Mirin. 

He goes over it in his head. He'll have to explain things carefully, he doesn't want her to panic.

Right then the door slowly creaks open. Mirin walks over, looking for all the world like a dog about to be scolded. 

Which makes him suspicious, because if Mirin thinks he's upset she must've done something that would upset him. Ara let's it slide, whatever it is. He has other concerns right now. 

She stands, hands clasped behind her back. 

"Mirin," he says and gestures at the chair in front of his desk. 

She sits.

He is silent for several moments before he speaks.

"I have gotten word that Saunterton has reached Innisfil, with as many as right thousand men." He knows Mirin isn't prepared for this, and not for the first time, regrets not teaching her more.

"You know what this means, I assume. Saunterton and Brent haven't given up, neither has Sulyard, and now they've gained support."

She may have joked about Rand, but they both know nothing about this is amusing.

"And that means something is something is likely to happen. And if it does, I will go with Nicholas, and you will be in charge." Ara says. "But you wouldn't be alone, Corisande and Wendell will be here, and they know the business of running things."

Mirin nods. "Do you think Nicholas has a chance of winning?" 

"Yes, I think so. Despite the, support Brent and the others have, more people like Nicholas than not, including the nobility."

"Is there anything else I should know?" She asks.

"That is all I wished to tell you, you may go." 

Mirin nods bows, she glances at him when she reaches the door, before leaving.

He stands from his desk, his wrist aches.

He moves to the window.

He is sure Mirin thinks him cruel, if not mad, for marrying her to the Fonteyn girl, which isn't exactly _customary_ , but he had known this day would come. He can't afford to lose the Baron's support, or break an oath. 

Ara hadn't even expected him to agree. It was an offer made out of desperation. Apparently the promise of marrying into the upper nobility was too good an opportunity to say no to, no matter who it was the poor girl had to marry. 

And there was no way he could've accounted for-

For things to happen the way they did.

Avri is too young to marry, even if she weren't, she wouldn't inherit Laurence's titles, or his.

Mirin is the eldest now. 

He hadn't done it out of spite, he hopes she understands that.

Despite what Mirin may think, he cares for nothing more than his children.

All of them.


	13. A Year Earlier

Laurence's is sitting in the parlor, playing cards with Camilla, Ansel and Mirin.

And losing. That doesn't stop him from teasing Mirin. "I told ya you wouldn't win." 

Mirin rolls her eyes. "I've beaten you in everything but King's Corners at least once, so I'd say I'm still doing better than you." 

"That's because you cheat!" Laurence huffs. Mirin won't admit it, but he _knows._

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't, winning is winning."

Laurence can't help smiling at that, at least a little.

"Alright, enough bickering, I'm definitely about to win, and take all your money. And your jewelry. "Ansel says.

He sounds little too sure of himself, Laurence thinks.

Laurenceglances at Camilla and sees a small smile playing on her lips, she thinks she knows who is going to win.

Camilla wins all of Ansel's money.

And Laurence's, and Mirin's.

And Rin laughs at Ansel _and_ Laurence. 

"Tough Luck, Ansel, maybe next time." Camilla says cheerfully.

Ansel just rolls his eyes, and mumbles something about cheating women before leaving to chase after some poor maid, probably.

When they move to the drawing room, Rin immediately starts in on Laurence.

"So little brother, are you excited to be married? It's less than a year now." Torturing him is one of life's pleasures, and Mirin has never been one to deny herself.

Mirin has been relentless.

And Laurence is eighteen now, he wishes she would stop calling him little brother, but if he says as much she'll say it even more.

That's just how she is.

Laurence groans. "Come on Rin, haven't you ribbed me enough?"

"No."

Camilla sees Laurence blush and decides to take pity on him, walking over to Rin's chair and sitting on the armrest, draping her arm around her shoulders. "Don't listen to her Laurence, she is just jealous."

"I just think it's sweet, he's rather taken with her. And I'm not jealous, why would I be when I have you?" Simple, but effective.

Camilla smiles, and kisses her on the cheek.

"Thank you _Camilla."_ Laurence says, sending a pointed look Mirin's way.

He sees Rin take another drink and he feels a pang of worry, but he knows when not to say something.

"Come on Laurence, I'm just happy for you. I saw how she looked at you last year, she's probably taken with _you."_ Mirin says.

"Just promise me you'll behave, Rin. No teasing, cheating, or tricks of any kind." The last thing he wants is for Rin to scare her off.

"Cross my heart, I'll be the best sister-in-law she's ever known."

Laurence isn't entirely sure he believes her, but he does believe she'll at least try.

He's been hoping that he and Remi could get along as well as Rin and Camilla do. It's not exactly a secret, even if no one says anything about it.

"Say, Laurence, would you fancy a game of horseshoes next? It's a lovely day." Camilla asks.

"Sounds like fun, I'll have to go and see where Ansel has wandered off to." 

Laurence smiles.

Today is a lovely day, despite all of Mirin's teasing.

He feels hopeful. He has a good feeling about his marriage.


	14. She's Very Particular, Particularly Stupid

Remi is comfortable, and she reluctantly opens her eyes. She feels the sun on her face and knows it's time to get up.

And, she's sleeping next to Mirin.

They've never been this close, and she realizes that Mirin smells like cloves and something else she can't place.

It's nice.

Remi knows she has to move, or Mirin will wake and see that they are touching, and she will be upset. She slowly moves back, carefully lifting Mirin's arm, holding her breath until she can slip out of bed.

She let's out the breath she was holding.

Mirin flings an arm across her face, seemingly awake now.

She sits up scrubbing a hand over her face, then she stills. 

Her eyes travel down along her body, and Remi remembers she is wearing only her shift, and of course Mirin hasn't seen her undressed because she won't step foot in the door until Remi is under five layers of blankets. 

When Mirin sees Remi watching her she glances away. "I can leave, if you'd like." 

"No, it's fine," Remi motions to the dressing screen, "I'm going to—" 

Mirin nods.

Remi's heart is pounding. She may be naive, but she isn't blind, or stupid. No one has ever looked at her the way Mirin just did. She doesn't know how that makes her feel. Maybe Mirin didn't though, maybe Remi is imagining things.

She dresses quickly, trying to calm herself. 

She steps out from behind the dressing screen and sees Mirin washing up. She watches as Mirin picks up a towel and dries her face. Her cheeks have been scrubbed pink, and her curls are messy. Remi almost wants to run her fingers through them, just to see if they are as soft as they look. 

It's a strange thought, and Remi looks away before Mirin can notice her staring. 

Mirin turns to her and Remi's face warms. She's not sure why. 

"I told Ara I'd go to Ammanford for him, I should be back in no more than a week." Mirin says. 

"Oh. Why?" 

"Business." Mirin says simply. 

"I see. I....wish you safe travels then." Remi groans internally. 

Mirin walks to the wardrobe, grabbing a jacket. "Go to Corisande if you need anything. Or my friend, Silas." 

"I will." Remi says. 

Mirin leaves the room without another word. 

Safe travels, really?

Didn't she have anything better to say? 

Remi sighs. 

She knew things wouldn't be easy, but it's even worse than she'd thought it would be.

* * *

Mirin leans against the wall and takes a breath. 

She isn't even going to think about it. 

Remi wouldn't meet her eyes, did she notice?

Fuck. Of course she did, because Mirin can't control herself for five minutes. 

What is _wrong_ with her?

Remi is probably horrified. 

Firstly, it's not going to happen, Remi may have come around, slightly, but she's not—

It just won't happen.

She'll get used to Remi. 

Used to this.

For all Remi's exasperation, she has never shown disdain for her, and Mirin knows exactly what she is. That's enough, really.

Probably more than she deserves, if she's being honest. She actually pities Remi, ending up married to her of all people. She is sure this isn't what Remi dreamed of when she was a girl. 

She reminds herself that it's her job to care for Remi. She isn't going to take advantage of the situation. Take advantage of _Remi._

Mirin runs a hand over her face. 

She'll send a servant for her things, she can't face Remi right now.

* * *

Remi had decided to go and find this Silas, she's never met him, and she thinks she should know Mirin's friends. 

She thinks he must be from the far South, judging by his accent and mahogany complexion. "You wouldn't happen to be from the Laosi Islands would you?" She asks. 

"I am, how did you know?" Silas seems surprised. Then he laughs. "I didn't think most Northerners could find Laosi on a map, but I suppose you're not Northern."

"Correct, I'm as Southern as they come. It's your accent, my governess was from Laosi. I've always wanted to visit."

"I see. I think you'd like it there. And actually, I suppose that's only half true—my father is from Laosi but my mother is from here, so I've lived in both countries." Silas says. 

Remi nods. "Which country do you like best?"

Silas hums. "That's a hard question. Laosi is beautiful, but Nyvikstad has a kind of rustic charm."

Remi laughs. "That's one word for it."

Silas shifts, clasping his hands. "I don't mean to be rude, but I promised Ansel I'd go with him to the city, so I suppose I should be going. It was nice to meet you." 

Remi smiles. "Alright, it was nice to meet you, too." 

Silas turns to leave, and Remi stands there for awhile. She's not sure what to do. She still doesn't really know anyone here.

She gets that lonesome feeling, the same thing she felt at the wedding, she misses her father, her sisters, even her mother.

Her throat starts to feel tight.

Remi blinks, clearing her eyes. She won't let it overcome her. She's determined to be happy here, she won't spend the rest of her life being miserable. 

She sniffs, smoothing her skirts.

She won't spend the rest of her life feeling sorry for herself.

She will get used to it. To her. 


	15. The Bracelet

Mirin's back, she looks around the room but doesn't see Remi. So she calls her name.

"In here!" Remi answers.

"Actually, could you come here for a moment?" 

Mirin walks in the direction of the bedroom, she still doesn't see her so she walks toward the bathroom. 

Mirin stills. 

"I forgot to get a towel, now I'm in a bit of a fix, could you find one?"

Mirin stares, unblinking. She should've known, shouldn't have. 

heard her from the bathroom- 

Why doesn't Remi care? 

This isn't decent. 

Would she let anyone see? 

Why would she let Mirin see?

Mirin hears someone, Remi, saying something, she doesn't-

"Mirin?" 

"Mirin, are you alright?" 

Mirin forces herself to look at Remi. She wonders if she might actually die. Of what she isn't sure, but she is positive this is what dying feels like. "What?" 

"I said, could you find me a bath towel?" She says it slowly. 

Mirin walks to the cabinet in the corner of the room.

When she walks over she doesn't waver. "Here. Anything else?"

Remi stands, water splashing from the tub to the floor as she sets her feet on the floor. "Thank you." 

Mirin nods and walks out the door. 

It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean Remi feels anything, anyway.

It means Remi trusts her. Maybe she's even starting to see her as a friend or something. 

She doesn't think it could be anything else, Remi hasn't shown any interest in her and why would she? 

So why does it feel like Remi is teasing her.

Mirin is thirsty. 

After she pours a drink she sits on the sofa.

After awhile Remi comes into the drawing room, fully clothed. As she should be. Mirin sends a pointed glare her way.

Remi doesn't seem to notice. 

"So, how did it go?"

Mirin blinks. 

"In Ammanford?" Remi clarifies. 

"Oh. Went fine. He agreed to the terms, and now he'll back Nicholas." A bag of coins will persuade a man to do quite a lot, as it turns out.

"That's good." 

They fall into silence after that.

Until Remi starts talking again and Mirin really wishes she wouldn't.

"-and I've been thinking about going to Havellan."

Mirin starts listening at then. "Havellan, Why?"

"Because I want to explore, I live here and I've never even left the courtyard." Well, she went to the river, but that doesn't count.

"Fine. But I'll go with you." 

Remi nods. Then she frowns. "Don't you think you've had enough?"

"Are you incapable of leaving me alone for a single day?" She really doesn't have the patience for this right now.

She gets up and leaves. She doesn't know where she's going, but she knows she doesn't want to be here.

* * *

Remi wanted to see Havellan, so that's where they're going. 

"Thank you for coming with me."

"Mhm." 

Remi sees a jeweler's and pulls on Mirin's jacket. Mirin follows along. A braided silver bracelet seems to catch her eye, and Mirin tells her, "You can have it, if you like."

"Oh no, I have too many bracelets, but it is lovely."

So does Mirin, she's always had a fondness for jewelry. They leave, and Mirin spends the rest of the day trying not to think about what happened.

She is not very successful. 

* * *

The next day, Mirin returns, and buys the bracelet. For reasons. 

Reasons like it cost nothing, she practically stole it. And it's a nice thing to do, everyone likes gifts. 

Plus, friends give each other gifts, on birthday's and during Hela. 

Which is still two months away, but who cares. She's being nice.

* * *

Remi is confused when a box is shoved in her face. She can't think of a reason for Mirin to giver her anything.

When she lifts the lid, she sees the bracelet from the shop. Remi can't believe she went back to buy this for her. Her face feels warm. "This is very kind. What's it for?" 

"Think of it as a birthday present."

It's not Remi's birthday. "Do you even know when my birthday is?"

".......No." Mirin admits, slowly.

Remi can't keep from laughing a little.

"Well, it's either an early birthday present, or a late one, either way, happy birthday." 

Remi really does laugh then, loud and bright.

Mirin's strong reaction to the bath confirmed her suspicions. If Mirin wasn't interested in her she wouldn't have looked twice. And now she's giving her gifts, so she's even more certain.

There wasn't _actually_ a second step to her plan and she doesn't know what to do next.

She glances at Mirin. Her cheeks are pink, and her eyes are sparkling.

Remi takes a breath.

She really has no clue what she's supposed to do. 


	16. One Step Forward, Two Back

"Mirin, where are you going?"

"I've got to go, I told Ara that I'd settle something for him." 

That's the most she's said since giving Remi the bracelet. 

Mirin had done something kind, and Remi had thanked her. 

She doesn't understand. 

* * *

What is Mirin even doing?

It's pathetic, and ridiculous.

She should feel embarrassed.

Buying Remi jewelry like a lovesick girl. She doesn't even know why she did it.

Except she does.

She wants Remi to like her. She's not sure why. But then, it's only natural to want your spouse to like you. 

But she shouldn't make Remi uncomfortable by doing things like that.

They're not—

They're not even really married.

It's in name only. 

And Mirin is being incredibly, undeniably, stupid. 

She knows, man or woman, someone like Remi would never agree to marry her, not if they had a choice.

Why would Remi even want gifts from her dead fiancé's sister.

She drinks more often than not, is nearly twice Remi's age.

And she thinks Remi would.

She needs to stop.

Mirin needs to step back, or she will continue being stupid, she can't help it, it's incurable.

She knows it upsets Remi, and she is sorry for that. But she can't.

She has already made a mistake.

No, she has made _mistakes._

Letting Remi get too familiar being the first. 

It was irresponsible.

She should know better.

She _does_ know better.

* * *

When Mirin comes back, she is as quiet as ever.

Everyone is talking and laughing, as they always do at dinner, but the silence is hard to stand.

"So, how did it go?" Remi doesn't know why she's even trying.

"Hm? Oh. Fine."

Why does she try to gain Remi's attention, only to ignore her. Is it all some kind of game, at Remi's expense?

Remi stands suddenly and leaves the hall.

She doesn't bother telling Mirin where she is going. After all, she never tells her, why should she extend the courtesy. 

Mirin is a child, and Remi is tired of being the only one who tries.

* * *

When Remi goes to bed the next night, Mirin is not there. She's been gone since this morning.

Remi feels disappointed, and angry at herself for not expecting this, she doesn't even know why she cares.

Probably because she's stuck with Mirin. She'll be with her forever.

She starts to feel sick, and she pushes those thoughts aside. 

Remi doesn't know why, but she decides to look for her. She will try. One more time.

There is a possibility she has come back, and is avoiding her rooms. Avoiding _Remi._

She doubts it, but she can't sleep, anyway.

Remi has never walked around at night, and she feels slightly uneasy. She is too old to be afraid of the dark though, so she ignores the feeling.

She walks slowly, she is in no hurry. She has checks the parlor, and the many drawing rooms, even some empty apartments. 

Remi doesn't see her, so she decides to go outside. She feels a pang of worry, despite herself. If Mirin isn't here, she is in the city, alone, at night.

Remi walks over to the benches near the fountain.

The stone is cold when she sits down.

She sits.

She waits.

She isn't sure for what.

* * *

It's a chilly morning, but the crisp air helps her think.

As Remi heads toward the stables, she happens upon Mirin walking up the steps. "Mirin?" 

Mirin turns toward her, she looks unsteady. 

Remi walks over, she smells it on her. "Where have you been?" She already knows.

"Here and there." Mirin says flatly.

"Why would you do that?" Remi asks.

"What?" Mirin says.

"Go there" She says quietly. She is tired, and she doesn't feel like arguing.

Mirin's brow furrows. "Why do you care?" 

Remi doesn't answer. She isn't going to play this game with her. "I wish you wouldn't." 

"I know it's hard for you to understand, I don't _care_ what you want. You've known me for a few months, and you think you can control everything I do. I managed without you for nearly thirty years, I don't need your supervision, if you're that desperate to better my life, you can start by leaving me alone." Mirin says. 

Remi doesn't know what she feels then, just that it's stinging and sharp. She shouldn't be surprised, and she isn't, not really. 

Remi stands there, staring at nothing as Mirin walks away.

Then, suddenly, she's struck by the realization that Mirin isn't trying to hurt her.

She is trying to hurt herself.

And something clicks into place. It seems obvious now.

Mirin is acting this way because she thinks Remi has gotten too close, or she has gotten too close to Remi. Mirin seems to believe that she doesn't deserve good things. Doesn't deserve _her._

Maybe she's not wrong.

Remi understands now. She can't fix that. 

And she isn't going to try. 

"You want me to hate you as much as you hate yourself, but I don't think that's possible." Remi calls after her.

Remi turns and keeps walking.


	17. Somewhat Childish

It's been two days. Mirin has deftly avoided her. Remi is glad. She might've done something she would regret if she'd seen Mirin. 

Remi returns to the stables, and her mind feels clearer. She thinks she has decided what to do.

She knows she has to move carefully, or Mirin will feel cornered. 

She's still angry. But more than that, she is determined.

She isn't doing this for Mirin, she's doing it for herself. She doesn't fancy the idea of being married to the walking calamity that calls itself Mirin for the rest of her days.

So she will try to reason with her. If she's lucky, Mirin will stop acting like a particularly stupid child.

Remi takes a breath and makes her way upstairs.

* * *

Mirin is reading in the library when an arm reaches over her shoulder and slams her book closed. She flinches, she hadn't heard the door open. Remi walks forward, stopping in front of the table.

Well, this isn't good. "I–" Mirin starts. 

"No. You've said enough. You are not going to speak until I've said what I came to say."

For all the times Remi has chided her, she has never heard her use that tone before.

"I think we could get along, if you would just try. I care-" Remi falters. "I don't want to be alone anymore, in a country where I know no one. I don't want to be married to someone who ignores me. For better or for worse, we're married. We should at least be able to stand being in the same room together. You are incredibly, stupid. I've tried to talk to you, I've seen–I know you feel something for me, but you won't admit it, that's _why_ you act stupid."

So Remi did try to–What, get her attention? 

Mirin is about to respond, but she stops at the look Remi gives her.

"I don't know why you feel the way you do, or why you do the things you do, but I refuse to be treated as though I am a burden you'll have to bear for the rest of your life. You need to stop doing whatever it is you're doing to yourself." Remi takes a breath. "I just want you to look at me." She says, quietly.

Mirin is trying to take in everything Remi just said. She can't think. She doesn't know what she's supposed to say. 

She needs to think, or Remi will walk away. Which she deserves.

She doesn't want her to leave.

Remi stands, waiting for an answer.

Not for the first time, Mirin wonders why she does this. Maybe, deep down, she knows she'll fuck up anyway, so why wait. May as well ruin everything now. 

Remi sighs. "I just want you to stop pushing me away. We're stuck together, like it or not, we may as well try to get along."

 _Say something._ "Remi, I _am–_ I'm sorry. I didn't know. I–" Mirin stutters. 

Her heart is beating too fast. _S_ _he can't say it._

_She can't. Remi would never talk to her again._

She feels numb. "I do like _–"_ Like? " _I_ _like you_ _, somewhat."_ She says, quickly.

**Somewhat.**

_That doesn't even make sense._

The gods should really just put her out of her misery now. 

Remi looks at her for a long moment, Mirin can't tell what she's thinking. That's probably for the best. Mirin kind of wishes she would just leave. It would be easier.

"Is that a, 'Yes, I'll stop acting stupid?' " 

" _Yes?"_ She drawls it out because she's not sure, and Remi _looks_ at her.

"Yes." What is she supposed to do? Is there a better answer? 

Remi rolls her eyes. "And you think _you're_ the one who married a child."

Considering everything, Mirin will let that slide.

Remi stills. So there they are, just looking at each other, neither of them saying anything.

Then Remi leans down and kisses her on the cheek. It's quick, and she is already moving away by the time Mirin begins to understand what happened.

She doesn't know why Remi would do that. What does that mean?

Mirin has no idea what she's supposed to do. With Remi. In general. With her life.

She glances away, and Remi sighs. 

"I don't blame you for any of this you know." Remi says. 

Mirin nods. Mirin knows it's not her fault, she didn't choose this either, but that doesn't keep her from feeling guilty. Remi shouldn't be here. Shouldn't be with her. She's young, and happy, and everything else Mirin never was and never will be. 

Remi stands there a moment longer. Then she clears her throat. "I suppose I'll see you tonight, then." 

"Yes." Mirin says quietly.

Remi looks at her again before leaving, closing the door behind her.

Mirin scrubs her hand over her face.

If the gods are good, they'll answer her prayer.


	18. You Have A Sister?

Mirin knows she fucked everything up with her astounding stupidity.

Every time something happens, something good, there is a part of her that doesn't want it, that says she doesn't deserve it. 

Then she feels guilty. 

And then she feels frustrated with herself for feeling guilty.

Which makes her feel worse than she did to start with.

Then she does something stupid, because she _does_ deserve that.

Remi asked her why she is so hard on herself.

She doesn't know.

She's snapped out of her thoughts when she hears Sir Eliska say, "Please, my lord, I've tried—"

Mirin is watching as Ara holds manorial court. She should be paying more attention, but she keeps glancing at Remi, standing by the wall. 

"I've given him eight months! Twice as long as required, and he still refuses to pay." Eliska says.

Mirin steps forward, though she probably shouldn't. "That's a lie." 

Ara turns to look at her then. 

Well, no turning back now.

"Sir Eliska takes advantage of those who come to him, charging three times the interest as is customary and acceptable, thus gaining their lands and any collateral when the inevitably fail to repay him." She says. 

Ara looks at her, then back at the men. "If this is true, you will repay the unjustly taken interest to Edmund, and he shall pay what he owes within a year."

Eliska looks incandescent, but he doesn't argue. 

Mirin turns to Ara, he must've seen her looking at Remi because he has an amused smile on his lips and waves her off.

She inclines her head, then turns, walking toward Remi. "Good evening." Mirin says, hopefully casually.

"Good evening. That was a kind thing to do." Remi says.

Mirin shrugs. "I don't see how. It was the truth." 

Remi just smiles, and Mirin doesn't understand why doing her jobis so remarkable. 

_"Lord Aarav?"_ He says quietly.

Mirin turns and sees the vassal, Edmund, she remembers.

"Ah, thank you for–for speaking on my behalf. I didn't think Lord Elswyth would be inclined to decide in my favor." He says.

Mirin waves a hand. "No need to thank me. Fuck him anyway." 

Mirin hears Remi gasp and thinks yes,she probably shouldn't say that kind of thing. 

Edmund's eyes go very wide.

And then he is laughing, or wheezing, more accurately. His laugh turns into a cough. "Thank you again, and gods bless you." 

He bows and walks away.

So she is more politically savvy than she thought.

She turns back and sees Remi, looking unamused, or _trying_ to look unamused. 

"Do you really think it's proper to speak that way? But she's smiling so Mirin doesn't think she needs to be too worried.

Right then, Sir Eliska walks by, and she hears him make a comment about whore's and their daughters under his breath, so she makes sure to share a very improper hand gesture with him.

Now Remi really does look unamused.

She sighs.

"What? He started it,"

"You hear what he called me?"

"No." 

Silas wanders over, it feels like it's been ages since Mirin's seen him 

"Why hello."

"Hello, Remi, Mirin." 

"I didn't even know you were here." Mirin doesn't know how she missed him.

Silas laughs, "I'm glad I was. That's the best thing I've seen all week."

"Silas is laughing harder now. "You'll be popular." 

And Remi huffs, she doesn't _laugh._

Silas slaps her on the back, "I've got to go, I promised Ansel I'd help him find new clothes and a lawyer."

"What-" She doesn't actually want to know.

But still.

"Don't ask."

"Right, good luck."

He smiles and goes on to do whatever that's all about. Mirinw doesn't even want to know. 

Remi smiles at her and then leans in and kisses her on the cheek. 

At least it means she hasn't horribly ruined everything for one day.

* * *

Remi opens the door. Mirin smiles at her.

Then she walks over and smacks Mirin on the arm. "What is that for?!" Only the second time she has done it, and Mirin already knows it won't be the last.

"For putting your boots on the table."

"These are my rooms, and that's my table, and I'll put my boots wherever I please."

Remi gives her a look that says Mirin won't be doing any such thing. Considering the very thin ice she currently resides on, she best not push her luck. Mirin settles on a glare and goes back to what she was doing.

"And moreover, I happen to be handling a very sharp knife. How would you've felt if I lost a finger?"

"I would've felt guilty, but you didn't. So pipe down, and start acting civilized."

The passivity Remi displayed early on must've been a trap for some poor, unwise and unfortunate, soul to fall into, and Mirin is very thankful she knew better.

Thankfully, Mallory strolls in and breaks some of the tension.

"Good evening My Lady, Mirin." 

"Evenin' Mal." Mirin greets.

Mallory sees the little bear Mirin is carving.

"Is that for Avri?" 

"Yeah, she always did love these." 

Remi looks from Mallory to Mirin then, "Who's Avri?"

Mallory looks from Remi to Mirin, then gives Mirin a look that says something like, 'how stupid are you?'

Mirin has been told by reliable sources that she is exceedingly stupid.

Mallory's mouth hangs open a little. "You haven't mentioned Avri? How could you not tell her about Avri?"

"Well, are you going to keep saying her name, or tell me who she is?" 

"She's my sister." Her favorite sister.

Also her only sister.

So she wins by default.

"Excuse me, your what?"

"Sister. You really need to pay more attention." 

Mallory can see where this is going, though Mirin is apparently blind. Oh well, the gods helps those who help themselves. She goes to make the bed. 

Remi turns toward Mirin, and is so calm Mirin knows she has gone horribly wrong somewhere.

"Your sister, interesting. You never mentioned her, even when I told you about my sisters."

"Well-"

"What is wrong with you?! Honestly. You have a sister and you didn't tell me, I have a sister-in-law and you didn't tell me?"

"You didn't ask!" And she was _distracted._

"I didn't ask because I thought you only had the one brother! Do you have any other family I don't know about?"

"Of course not. Anyway, Avri is my sister, if you must know."

The stare Remi gives her is glacial. 

"Ah, she's my sister, and she is twelve, very bright," Maybe more details will save her. "Loves the color red, and writing, always said she wanted to write plays one day."

"Was that so hard? You know, using your words to talk to people?"

Mirin senses some hostility. 

"And where has she been this entire time?"

"She's been staying with our Aunt in Alda, to attend a girls conservatory there."

"A girls' conservatory? She actually goes there, to study?"

"Of course. What else would she be doing there?" 

"We don't have conservatories or priories for girls in Caldeon, or West Endal."

"Then how do you learn?" Mirin asks.

"Well, girls don't go to a priory, some, like me, have a governess. Others don't."

"How do they learn to read and write then?" 

"They don't."

 _"What kind of country do you come from?"_ She gestures with her hands.

"No reading, no access to your own money, no going anywhere without a chaperone, you can't even inherit your Father's titles or land-"

"Is there anything women _are_ allowed to do in Caledon?" 

Remi thinks for a moment. 

"Honestly–"

"Your entire country is fucked. Remind me to never visit." 

Mirin pauses.

"No offense." 

Remi laughs so hard she starts coughing. She sits, trying to catch her breath.

Mallory walks back into the room, smiling. "What's this then?" 

"Mal, Remi and I were discussing the different social mores of Nyvikstad and southern West Endal-"

Mallory hums. "Alright, just behave yourselves."

She's left before Mirin can reply. She knows she hasn't heard the end of this from her though.

Remi takes a breath. "So your sister is coming here?" 

"Yes." Hadn't she said that already? 

"When?"

"Next week." 

"Hm." 

"Why?" 

"Because of the trio known as Brent, Sulyard, and Saunterton."

Remi nods. "Speaking of countries and possible kings, I still don't quite understand what Caledon has to do with King Nicholas." She knows they need her Father's support, something, something Brent.

Mirin stops smiling, turning very serious, which makes Remi uneasy.

"You've heard of Reynerus Brent?"

"Yes." 

"Your Father, and the others who have pledged themselves to Nicholas, are the only thing that will keep him, and at least six thousand men, from coming across the boarder." 

Remi straightens, amusement gone.

"He's a terrible man." Even Saunterton would be better than him.

"Do you think he will?"

"I hope not. Nicholas has a sizeable army now, so his chances are good."

"Are you afraid?" 

"Yes. Slightly. If my Father sides with Nicholas, and loses, Brent would not easily forgive me."

"He'd be that severe, even if you yourself don't support Nicholas?"

"Yes, most likely. But I also wouldn't denounce Nicholas. Ara and Randolph were as close as brothers, and Nicholas is family."

"I suppose I understand why my Father agreed to this ridiculous proposal now."

Mirin laughs. "And why's that?"

"Well, it seems your family has a lot of power. He'd have to be mad to turn down such an opportunity."

"So he didn't agree because of my winning personality and potential for greatness?" 

Remi rolls her eyes. "I can only hope that Avri is half as charming and humble as you are."

"She's darling. You two will get along great."

Mirin crosses her fingers.


	19. Remi Elswyth

Reflecting on every relationship she's had, it becomes clear to Mirin why she isn't very good at this.

Camilla was one of the only people she'd ever been with for more than a night. Then Sebastian, but that was fleeting. 

Some would frown on that, but Mirin had never cared when Camilla went off on a commission, and gained the attention of some lady, and Camilla hadn't cared the few times Mirin had shown interest in someone. 

That arrangement can't work now.

Because she's married. And people don't take kindly to that here.

Even Ara didn't come out that unscathed after what he did with Lia. And she will never hurt Remi the way he hurt Corisande.

Most people don't find love, and never twice. Mirin thinks she could love her, and that seems unfair. She abandoned Camilla, and still gets to have someone in her life who she cares about. Mirin's still lost in her thoughts when Mallory comes in and throws herself onto the sofa.

"Bad day?"

"You've no idea. If I have to say 'Yes, My Lady' to one more entitled-"

"I'm sorry." 

"I'll be fine. I just need a distraction, dazzle me with tales from your glamorous life. How are things with Remi now? If you say great, I'll assume it's because of me." 

"Yes, you interfering fixed everything."

"Spare me. All I said is you're not completely unfeeling."

"Of course I'm not. Did she really think that?"

"Could you blame her?"

Mirin glances away. 

"Just try not to ruin everything by being Mirin-y."

"Mirin-y, what is that supposed to mean?" 

"You know, when you overthink everything, and push everyone away."

"Shut up." 

Mallory laughs, "You didn't deny it." She says smugly.

Mirin is still thinking about what Mallory said, "You know Mal, if you're that unhappy I could-

Mallory groans, "Not this again." 

"Mal, seriously, you don't have to spend the rest of your life waiting on people, I could-"

"I truly appreciate the offer, but no."

"Why are you so difficult? I could just dismiss you, then you'd have to listen."

"I know it's frustrating, but if you were in my position, you'd understand."

"If you were in _my_ position, you'd understand the desire to help a friend, which you can easily do."

Mallory sits up, and looks at Mirin. 

She stands and pulls Mirin into a hug. Mirin actually wraps her arms around Mallory, which isn't a very Mirin thing to do.

"You're my closest friend, Mirin."

Mallory thinks she understands what's being said between those words.

* * *

Remi is walking down the hall when someone calls out, "Lady Remi." She is surprised when she turns and sees it's Lord Elswyth.

She bows her head, "My Lord."

"I was hoping to speak with you, if you have the time." He says softly.

"Of course."

They walk to the solar.

Remi tries not to fidget. She sits straight, hands in her lap. It's fine. He doesn't have any reason to be upset with her.

Once they sit, he says, "Corisande tells me you are starting to settle in here." 

She hasn't really seen him since the wedding, and it occurs to her that Mirin takes after him. 

She has his nose and his curls.

"Yes, I'm starting to understand the way things work here." 

"I'm glad to hear it. I know our ways are very different from yours, but I think you'll find that's not such a bad thing."

"I can see that already. It's different than what I'm familiar with, but I can do whatever I please, whenever I please, and as much as I miss my family, I've never felt as free as I do here."

Ara smiles brightly. 

The other thing that occurs to Remi is that she doesn't know his name, which is strange, but it doesn't seem proper to ask.

"Which brings me to the reason I wanted to speak with you, I assume being a lady you know how to run estates and manage lands?"

"Yes. I suppose all ladies learn."

"That's very good." He wasn't sure, considering the South's low opinion of women.

"If I have to go with Nicholas, Mirin will be left in charge, along with Corisande, but I think Mirin will need every but of help she can get." He hasn't been able to teach her nearly enough, and it's not easy work.

"I think I could lend a hand, then."

"Yes, I believe you can. I appreciate your help, Remi."

She smiles, no one has ever asked her to do anything this important, it's nice to be trusted. 

"If you need anything tell me, even if I'm otherwise engaged, I will have time to talk to you."

He swore to Fonteyn that he would treat her as his own daughter, and that's what he will do.

"Thank you, I will remember that."

He seems kinder than he was at the wedding, but that's to be expected, considering, well, everything. 

He wishes her a good evening before leaving, 

leaving her to consider how different he is from the man she'd heard about.

* * *

Remi walks through the door with a question on her mind.

She sees Mirin sitting at the table, writing a letter. She walks to the table and sits in the chair opposite her.

Mirin looks up, and sets her pen down.

"Do you need something?"

"No. I talked to your Father today." 

"What did he want?" 

"He was wondering if I knew how to manage estates and such, and I told him yes." 

"That's great, because I have no idea what I'm doing."

At least Mirin is honest.

"I also realized that he's my father-in-law, and I don't know his name." She has never heard anyone call him by his name, hadn't thought about it until now. 

"Ara." Mirin says. "Coincidentally, as you know, Ara is my first name. Well, Aaravah."

"Ara was a popular king, you can't walk through town without bumping into one." 

"Hm. You know, I think you and _Ara_ are quite alike." 

"So I've been told. Many times. By many people."

"I suppose it's only fair to tell you my middle name is Elyn."

"That's a nice name. I feel like we should've known all this much earlier." Mirin says.

Remi laughs. "Maybe I would've told you if you had been here."

Mirin just hums.

Remi Elyn Elswyth. 

It has a nice ring to it, Remi thinks.


	20. Lia Makes A Mistake

Ara can tell Mirin is only half listening.

He wanted her to be here, to learn the ins and outs of running a house. He supposes he should be grateful she came at all.

"Thank you, M'Lord." The woman bows her head and makes to leave. 

Ara turns to her, "Do you think you understand?"

"Yes I think so. You've got to keep track of who is owed what, or you'll have trouble, don't forget to listen to the farmers or there will be trouble. Flour is delivered at the end of every second month–"

"Good. You'll need to attend the audience with Sir Autry tomorrow as well." The look on her face makes him smile.

Ara doubts she will ever forgive him, but he thinks she's been less hostile these past months.

Sometimes he thinks of telling her the truth.

Because he's selfish.

But it would hurt her too deeply.

"Alright, good evening, then." She stands to leave and bows.

So instead he smiles and nods.

He is proud of her. He knows Mirin does try. Tries harder than everyone else, even. But you have to look to see it.

Ara remembers the first time he had seen Mirin. He hadn't known he could love someone as much as he loved her.

He didn't know how to care for a child, but he'd had to learn, because Lia made it clear she wouldn't.

Ara regrets bringing Lia into his life, but not Mirin.

He also regrets that the shame of what he did will follow Mirin for the rest of her life. She will always have to prove herself, be better than everyone else, because no one will ever forget what she is, title or no. 

He was fifteen, a stupid boy, and he did a stupid thing.

He remembers meeting Lia, she was nearing twenty, and seemed to know so much more than he did. She was from a part of the world he'd never seen, had only read about. She seemed kind, was witty and charming.

Ara had told her no, the first time, and the fourth. But after that-

He knows now she was only ever interested in power.

That's why she wanted him, because it was a heady thing to have such control over a person.

He'd never touched Lia again. In fact, he would've moved to another province if he could've, to be away from her. But he endured her, and her seemingly endless capacity for cruelty.

He now knows Mirin hadn't needed her, in fact, she was better off without her.

She had never wanted a child, she'd been very clear on that as well.

She blamed him, avoided Mirin, resented her. Resented them both.

Mirin was too young to see it.

But it was clear to him.

And the day he realized Lia had gone, left with some knight or lord, was one of the happiest of his life.

Mirin was only nine, and when she'd asked where Lia was, he had told her she was visiting her mother. Then Mirin got older, too old to believe anymore lies about visiting family. 

She had always wondered why Lia never sent her letters, or come to see her. There was no answer for that.

By then the court had been spreading rumors for years. He never told Mirin he banished her Mother, but she heard things, drew her own conclusion.

He never corrected her.

What was he supposed to tell her, a child, 'Your Mother didn't love you, and it was actually quite easy for her to leave you.' 

If he told her the truth now, she would be angry and hurt that he hadn't told her earlier. 

And Mirin has constructed such an idea of her Mother in her mind, her kindness, her gentleness and humor. She wouldn't believe it.

If she did, she would be devastated. Mirin is a sensitive person anyway.This would shatter her.

He supposes people believe what they want to believe.

If he doesn't tell Mirin, she will continue quietly resenting him, still angry and hurt, but less so. Either way, the lie has been going on too long now to do anything about it.

He won't tell her because he loves his children more than anything else, like every father. 

He reassures himself that this is the sensible and compassionate thing to do.

He put up with Lia, but he had limits. And she had met them when she threatened him.

It was the only time in his life he had ever considered striking a woman.

* * *

Ara walks into his study and his heart sinks when he sees Lia, sitting behind the desk.

Lia smiles, "Hello."

"What do you want." After a day of arguing with the gentry about the ethics of killing each other over blood feuds, he is in no mood for her.

Lia's smile disappears, no false charm now.

Lia decides not to dance around it then. "I want to move into Aldasund place. I'm tired of this place, tired of Havellan," She pauses.

"Of you." 

The insult isn't what upsets Ara.

"You know Aldasund is Corisande's." Of all the houses she could choose.

He knows this comes from a desire to further humiliate Corisande, a desire to have him bend to her will yet again.

The thought of making Corisande give her estate to Lia-

She only does these things to be vindictive, and not for the first time, he wonders why she's this way.

"No." 

She looks surprised. "Why not?" 

"Because it's Corisande's. And I will not have her humiliated, _again."_

"Corisande owns two estates. I think she'd manage." 

"I said no, Lia."

"It's _one_ house, Ara."

Ara knows she'll wear him down eventually. He won't give in that easily though. "No, you can buy any estate in the country, if it's something you want so badly."

"Fine, I'll buy an estate." 

He doesn't believe it's that easy.

"In Glenwyth, and Mirin and I will move there. I'm sure you'd be glad to have me gone."

Glenwyth is thousands of miles away, they both know that.

Anger burns through him so rapidly he feels dizzy. 

"Don't look so troubled, I'll allow you to visit."

He hadn't thought she would use Mirin in her petty, manipulative games.

He was naive.

The only time she has given her a second thought, and it's to step on her shoulders to reach the thing she truly wants.

He walks forward, slams his hands on the desk so hard and sudden, that he startles them both.

Lia actually recoils. 

"You really are a _child,_ Ara." 

"I will gladly buy you a house on the other side of the world, but you will not be taking Mirin with you,"

"As weak you think I am, if you ever attempt to take her from me, use her to manipulate me, you will regret it," 

_"Don't forget **what you are,**_ _Lia,_ you aren't in Kashan, and no one here cares enough to protect you."

"I will tolerate you, Lia, but I will not tolerate being threatened."

Neither will he forgive her. 

He locks eyes with her, and for the first time he sees real fear there.

So she knows it's not an empty threat, then.

Maybe she is right.

Maybe he is childish, but now she will know better than to try and play games she can't win. 


	21. She'll Hate You No Matter What

Mirin isn't as comfortable around Remi as she was with Camilla.

She has known Camilla for years, so that makes sense.

For instance, Mirin has a—

a thing. About touching. 

Camilla understood that.

Remi doesn't seem to fully understand, but she is careful, and Mirin appreciates it.

Remi touches her more often now. Mirin isn't sure why. Just because she stuttered out something about how she finds Remi _tolerable?_

And damn, even for Mirin that was bad.

She hadn't thought Remi would ever talk to her again after that day in the courtyard. 

She was drunk, and she doesn't remember what she said, but she knows it was _not good._

She's hardly some dashing romantic hero, like from the stories the women at court love so much. This she knows. 

And then there is the kissing.

Remi does that sometimes. She's not sure why she does that either. Well, she supposes it's because, for some reason the eludes Mirin and the rest of mankind, Remi likes her. But she doesn't understand _why._

Why Remi would be interested in someone who occasionally drinks too much, and is older than her, and also a woman.

And also terrible at communicating, and doing all the things that others find easy.

She sighs. Her own inadequacy has depressed her. 

She shakes herself out of her thoughts, because today is the day Avri is coming home.

That brightens her mood considerably. 

Even Ara has been cheerful, which is rarer now. 

And that brings her to the present, where Remi is throwing dresses, trousers, and shirts all over the bed.

"Alright, I think that's the entire wardrobe. Going to choose something now?"

Remi turns and gives her a withering look. 

Which is beginning to lose it's effect. "First impressions matter."

So people keep telling Mirin.

She wonders if that comment is aimed at her.

"And she's my sister-in-law now. What am I supposed to do if she hates me?"

"Avri is very nice, I don't think she hates anyone." Not entirely true, but Remi doesn't need to know that. "And if she does, she'll hate you no matter what you wear." 

Remi gives her another look, she has a lot of looks. "That doesn't make me feel any better."

Well.

After a few more minutes Mirin knows she needs to say something. "Alright, Avri's favorite color is red, so choose something red." 

"Also, I'm not putting all this back, so here's a good lesson in personal _responsibility,_ Remi." No wonder Remi likes her high horse so much, the view is nice up here.

Remi throws a shoe at her.

Mirin easily dodges it. "Well. She definitely won't like you if you act like that." 

Remi gives her another look that is still very effective. 

She decides to stop talking. _Not_ because of Remi. She just doesn't have anything else to say. 

Finally she settles on something. "I can help you, if you'd like." She's very talented at this. It's probably her only talent, not very useful, but it still counts.

"You know how to braid hair?" 

Remi seems surprised, which is actually insulting.

"I'm not a barbarian you know. of course I know how to braid hair. In fact, _I_ should be surprised that _you_ know how." Remi had told her braided hair is considered improper in Caledon, or something. Mirin thinks just being _alive_ is considered improper in Caledon. And probably also illegal. 

"Fine." Remi walks over to the dressing table and sits.

Can someone spitefully braid hair, because that's what Mirin is going to do. Mirin stops behind Remi and takes the brush from the table. As she brushes her hair she realizes it's very soft, which makes Mirin feel slightly less spiteful.

Only slightly.

Remi hums and looks in the mirror. "Thank you." 

Mirin is very proud of herself.

Is it petty? Yes.

Does she care? No.

She isn't prepared when Remi grabs her shoulder and kisses her. It's just a quick press of lips then Remi steps away.

Remi has turned the tables so completely, Mirin is actually impressed.

Remi is smiling smugly, and Mirin's heart is beating double time. 

She decides to walk away. Because she has _things_ to do. In places other than this room. 

And she is walking, not running. But it's a near thing.

* * *

They're all waiting in the entrance hall.

Avri yells something about how she's missed them all, and starts chattering excitedly about Alda, and Aunt Helsa, Corisande and Ara are smiling at her and nodding.

When she's done hugging them, she turns toward Mirin.

"Rin! You won't _believe_ the stories I have to tell you." Mirin smiles brighter than Remi's ever seen, and Avri pulls her into a hug.

"I'm sure you have amazing stories, _hali."_ Mirin squeezes her before stepping back. 

Avri turns toward Remi, she looks almost surprised, like she didn't notice her before. Avri walks over, stopping in front of her.

Avri look like Corisande in miniature. Her hair isn't as fair, but she has her green eyes. And she's tall for a girl her age.

"Hello, I'm Avri." She tilts her head a little.

Avri looks her up and down, as if assessing her.

"Hello, I'm Remi."

After a moment, Avri smiles, but it seems forced. Remi gets the feeling she has already failed some kind of test.

After that they all move inside, to the great hall of course. Any excuse to drink, as Mirin had once said.

Remi turns to Mirin and asks her, "I was wondering, hali, what does it mean?"

"Hali is a Nyhadi word, _kahali,_ which means," Mirin waves a hand, searching for a word. "Like darling. There's also _ihala._ They're similar, except ihala is not something you want to call your sister."

"Why?"

"Well, It's against the law, for one thing."

When it dawns on Remi what she means, it startles a laugh from her.

She doesn't know why that's so funny. Maybe she's been around Mirin too long.

When she takes a deep breath, she looks at Mirin.

"I see."

Mirin's eyes are sparkling. 

And Remi feels warmer. Huh. 

Mirin is surprised by her reaction, but it's nice to hear her laugh.

Remi looks at her, and there is color high on her cheeks. Mirin decides to because she did it first.

And it's only fair.

And Mirin has already admitted she's petty.

So she brings her hand up and brushes her thumb across Remi's cheek. She closes the distance between them.

Mirin has never kissed her before. Remi always- 

Mirin runs her tongue along Remi's lips and heat courses through her. Remi pulls away. 

When Remi gasps and pushes on her shoulder, Mirin knows she shouldn't have.

Remi glances at Mirin, she can see concern in her eyes. She feels guilty, the first time Mirin had felt comfortable-

"It's fine, it wasn't you didn't do anything, I'm sorry." It comes out in a rush, she doubts Mirin understands what she's trying to say.

"You didn't do anything wrong, I was just—"

Mirin thinks she understands. "Don't apologize to me." 

Her voice is soft, she doesn't sound upset. 

Remi stares, and Mirin smiles at her.

Remi nods. She feels a different kind of warmth thrumming through her.

Mirin isn't perfect, probably middling at her best, but she's a good person, and Remi realizes that makes up for a lot. 


	22. It's Not Bossing, It's Instructing

Remi has been reading about Nyvikstad, trying to understand the country that will be her home for the rest of her life.

Mirin has happily answered any questions Remi has, and it's all very interesting.

"—And that was Annan. She from Tal Bandar–Do you know where that is?" Mirin asks.

Remi nods. "To the West, right?"

"Mhm. Whatever the Nyhadi believed about the inferiority of women, their minds were changed when she conquered them. Anyway, she executed all the tribal leaders who refused to recognize her and gave their lands to her generals and the well born who came here after the annexation."

Remi had wondered why, though most Northerners are fair with light hair, most of the nobility have a dark complexion and black hair. Now it makes sense.

"So, back to what we were talking about. The Nyhadi people were actually called _Yahadai,_ but I guess that was too difficult for the Bari to pronounce, so Nyhadi was close enough." Mirin says with an amused smile.

"Interesting. How do you say that again?" Remi asks.

"Ya-Ha-Dye-Ah." Mirin makes a sound in her throat as she says it. 

"Ya _ha_ dai?" Remi thinks she's got it now.

The corner of Mirin's mouth tilts up. "Very good. You're a quick learner, it's not an easy language to learn. Probably because it's kind of a mix of the various tribal dialects and Bhasa."

Remi's cheeks warm.

"You know, when Annan invaded, the Nyhadi didn't have a word for queen, so they called her Annan Imhen, or King Annan." Mirin says. 

Remi smiles. "Hm. I like the sound of that."

Mirin laughs.

They both jump when the door is thrown open. 

It's Avri, she practically skips over to Mirin, "Hello Remi, hey Mirin."

"Hello." Remi thinks Avri is very _energetic._

"Rin, Mother says she wants to speak with you." Avri says.

"About what?" Mirin asks.

Avri shrugs, throwing herself on the sofa. "I don't know, something about the Hela celebration? I wasn't listening, it's boring."

Mirin huffs, what Remi recognizes as a laugh, clearly amused.

Mirin stands, sighing. "Alright, I'll be back."

Avri turns her attention to Remi. "So, you're from West Endal?" 

"Yes, Caledon Bay, specifically." 

"Hm. I've never left Nyvikstad. What's it like there?" 

"It's nice. Very warm, with many forests, and the endless sea right by Maydestone Castle, where I grew up."

"That does sound nice. I haven't seen the ocean." Remi supposes she hasn't. They are landlocked, after all. 

"How old are you?"

"Nearly seventeen."

"Oh. My birthday was two weeks ago, I'm thirteen now, and it was rather somber, I wanted to spend my birthday with my family. Instead I was at the _conservatory."_

"Do you have brothers and sisters?" 

Remi can hardly keep up. "Yes, four older sisters." 

"That must be fun, I always wished I had another sister." If one's good, four must be even better.

Remi laughs, "It was fun. My sisters and I were always up to no good. I can't count all the times we got into trouble." 

"So did we. Believe it or not, it was usually Laurence who got us into the most trouble." 

Remi finds that surprising, "Really?"

"Yes," Avri giggles, "Once, when we were at the lake, he pushed Mirin in. You should've seen it, she wasn't even angry, when she climbed out she was laughing almost as hard as we were."

Remi finds that hard to picture.

"Or Wendell, he's always carrying a ledger around, writing this and that, he's the house steward, Laurence stole it once, hid it in the library. I've never seen anyone as angry as Wendell was."

"Do you like it here?"

Remi is thrown off by the change in subject. "I do. I miss my home, but it's not so bad here."

"It _is_ nice here, there are lots of things I could show you, you've been here for months, right? You've probably seen most things, but there's still lots of interesting things in the keep! The portrait room, oh and outside, there's the old manor house, and the lake, and Havellan-"

Remi laughs. "I would like that."

The Remi thinks of something, "I've been wondering, what is Hela?" She's heard Mirin mention it before.

"You don't celebrate Hela in Endal? It's a holy day."

"No, we have different holy days."

"Well, the best part of Hela is the gifts!."

Mirin comes through the door then, and Avri shouts, "Rin, How come you haven't told her about Hela, It's the best day of all."

Mirin isn't prepared to be shouted at the minute she comes into the room. "What?"

"Hela!" Avri says, louder, as though Mirin hadn't heard her the first time.

"Hela? I don't know, I haven't thought about it lately." 

Mirin stops and looks at Avri for a moment. "Hey Avri, are you up for teaching Remi some Nyhadi?"

Avri's head whips around. "Really? I love teaching people. Father says I just love bossing, which isn't true, I love _instructing."_

Mirin rolls her eyes and Remi laughs.

Mirin sits next to Avri "Yeah, you know more than I do. And you're a good teacher."

Avri is practically glowing with pride. "Yes!"

"Great." Mirin smiles.

* * *

Remi stretches, she doesn't think she'll ever adjust to the cold.

She slips her underthings off.

"What are you doing?" Mirin's voice is toneless. 

Remi turns she's obviously, "Getting undressed."

"There is a dressing screen for a _reason."_

Remi sees the pained expression on Mirin's face. "Honestly, Mirin. We are married, don't act so scandalized." She knows Mirin isn't even close to innocent so why she pretends to be offended, she'll never know. 

"You are allowed to look, you know. I'm not teasing, you've seen it all before, anyway." 

"I wouldn't have if you hadn't done what you did!" Mirin hisses.

Remi rolls her eyes. Despite Mirin's whining she hasn't looked away. "Alright, if you're done asking questions that have obvious answers, I'll finish dressing."

Remi turns around and chooses her warmest shirt and jacket. Mirin laughs at her, but Remi doesn't like the cold. 

Mirin walks to the wardrobe and leans over Remi, taking one of her jackets from the wardrobe. When Mirin moves away, Remi glances over her shoulder and watches her. She thinks about the other night, she knows she has to do something, Mirin won't make any more advances, not if she thinks they're not wanted. To be honest, she doesn't know if they _are_ wanted, but she's willing to at least try it.

"Mirin?" She keeps her voice soft. 

Her eyes snap up, "Hm?" 

She takes Mirin's hands, and pulls her closer. She moves slowly, careful of Mirin's feelings about these things. 

She runs her fingers through Mirin's hair. 

Her eyes are wide, and Remi smiles. She leans and presses their lips together. 

Mirin stays very still. 

She's is tense, so Remi takes the hand she's still holding and places it on her waist, she moves closer. 

Mirin seems to understand, bringing her hand to Remi's cheek, and she feels that warmth again.

Remi doesn't pull away this time.


	23. Hela Day

It's Hela Day, which means drinking, music, and gift giving. After making offerings to Aetio and Ephona, they move to the great hall. 

Remi still doesn't understand Hela, so Mirin explains it to her.

"- And Ephona created man, but he was hollow, not truly alive. Aetio thought if man were to be, he should have a soul, like the gods do, eventually he managed to persuade Ephona, that's why it's called Hela, hela is the Nyhadi word for soul, or life." 

"Interesting." The gods are different, but the story is similar to the one Remi knows. 

Remi is enjoying herself, and that's a nice surprise.

* * *

It's Hela, Ara is watching the celebration, but he isn't in high spirits this year.

Ara knows that this will be his last war, one way or another. Even if he survives, he is becoming too old for another.

It is Hela, and Ara is trying to think of a way to tell his family.

He doesn't want to go, of course. He has never enjoyed war, not the way some men do. Senseless death and needless suffering, he takes no pleasure in that.

But he has reasons to.

Keeping Brent as far away from the crown as possible, loyalty to Nicholas, loyalty to Randolph. He doesn't have a choice, not truly. 

Gods have mercy. 

* * *

As Mirin looks around the main hall, she sees Ara standing near the windows, looking very troubled. She turns to Remi, "I'm going to go and speak with Ara."

Remi decides to the question that's been on the tip of her tongue. "Why do you do that?" She thinks she already knows.

"Do what?"

"Your Father, you call him Lord Elswyth, or Ara." Remi can't imagine using her Father's name. 

Mirin tries to think of a way to explain it, "My relationship with him is-"

"Complex." It's not a good answer, but it's the truth.

Remi nods, she decides to leave it at that for now. "Alright."

Mirin turns away, walks toward the windows. When he glances her way and sees her, he smiles.

So Mirin smiles too, because she has never been able to resist.

Even when she has tried. She inclines her head slightly, "Happy Hela."

His smiles somehow brightens at that. "Happy Hela, Mirin." 

"Is something the matter?" No point in wasting time dancing around it.

Ara's smiles falls, he looks away.

Finally he says, "Do you remember what I told you, about Saunterton?" 

"Yes, has he done something?" Her heart starts beating faster.

"He has reached Glynneath, him and around five thousand men." 

"Five? I thought you said one." 

"We were wrong, we may still be. It's hard to get an accurate count, we're relying on scouts and the provincial lords for information."

"So, you have to go....With the king." It's not really a question.

"Yes. I do. But I believe we will succeed, we've gained many allies and men these past months."

"And there is some good news, Sulyard has given up his claim, so now it is only Brent and Saunterton we have to worry about."

That does make Mirin feel a bit better.

"How many men does he have?"

"Around nine thousand, so even if our estimate was wrong, we still have the larger army." He tries to reassure her.

"And I trust Nicholas, he is as good a commander as his Father was."

"When will you leave?" She doesn't feel ready to take his place.

"That depends on what Nicholas decides, but probably within the next month." 

Mirin nods. She feels something like dread creeping through her.

"Truly, I believe King Nicholas will win, and all our troubles will be over."

"Have you told Corisande and Avri?" 

"No."

Mirin feels sorry for him, honestly. "They will understand." 

His eyes meet hers then, and Mirin senses something shift between them, but she can't say what.

"Enough talk of war, go and enjoy Hela, Mirin."

She looks at him, and for a momrnt before bowing her head and walking away.

* * *

Remi finds Avri with Silas and Ansel. She walks over, it seems Avri and Ansel are having some kind of debate.

"–That's not true, it's not even possible." Avri says adamantly. 

Ansel laughs, "You wouldn't say that if you'd seen what _I_ saw." 

She's never met Ansel, he's been very elusive. Remi remembers what Silas said about a lawyer and she half wonders if he's been in jail. He's not what she expected. He can't be more than seventeen. He still looks like a boy, it's hard to believe he is the one everyone has warned her about.

She's about to say something when Mirin puts a hand on her shoulder, she's smiling, which is unusual.

Mirin takes Remi's hand. "Come on, I haven't given you your gift yet." 

Remi notices that Mirin hasn't drank as much today, despite the rowdy atmosphere, and she feels more cheerful.Remi had actually forgotten, she follows Mirin up the stairs and down the hall, to their rooms.

When they get there, Mirin and Remi walk across to the table, and sitting there is a wooden box, it has Elswyth engraved on the top. 

Remi opens it and sees it's a stationery set, a very nice one, with silver pens and a seal.

"So you can write letters to your family." Paper isn't in short supply here, but this is _nicer._ Remi smiles. It's actually very sweet.

She has already learned that people here appreciate practical gifts, which is why, with Avri's help, she gave Mirin a new pair of boots.

She turns to Mirin and hugs her, says, "Thank you, that's very thoughtful."

Mirin feels happiness bubbling up in her, because Remi is happy.

When she moves back, she sees Mirin is smiling brightly, unusual for her.

Remi's heart beats a little faster.

She wants to kiss her, but she hesitates, she doesn't want to scare her off. _Again._

But Mirin has let Remi kiss her before, she never seems upset by it, not now anyway.

And it _is_ a nice gift, so it's just a way to say thank you. And if she's honest, Mirin's reaction is half the fun.

She still isn't very sure of herself, but she tries. She brings her hand up and runs her fingers through Mirin's hair, it's soft, and she can't help it.

Then Remi pulls away.

Mirin's eyelashes flutter, there's color on her cheeks, and she looks at Remi open-mouthed. 

Remi smiles to herself.

It's so easy to knock Mirin off-kilter. Maybe she can learn to enjoy this after all.


	24. If You Love Something

Mirin is trying to find Wendell. She has never particularly wanted to find Wendell before, but she has to talk to him about the supply of grain. She'd figured being a lord would be boring. Perhaps not _this_ boring.

Thinking about this, she's caught off guard when someone suddenly pulls on her arm.

"What-" She sees it's Camilla, and her question gets stuck in her throat.

Camilla drags her to one of the unoccupied bedrooms, and Mirin is too stunned to say anything. She wouldn't know what to say anyway.

She shuts the door behind them, it's dark in here. "I didn't mean to scare you, but you've been avoiding me for months." She sounds exasperated.

"I-I'm sorry." Mirin knows sorry isn't enough. 

"Don't be. I'm not upset. Annoyed, maybe."

She is still hurt, and angry, but not with Mirin. Not really. Best to just say it. "I wanted to tell you, face to face, that I am leaving." 

Something sharp and icy work its way through Mirin. "Leaving?"

"Leaving where, for how long?"

"To Kheda, there is a countess there looking to hire a portraitist."

Mirin is trying to hear what she's saying over the beat of her heart. "Kheda, how long will you stay?"

She thinks she understands, but she has to hear it.

Camilla doesn't say anything for awhile.

She won't meet Mirin's eyes.

"Mirin-"

Mirin knows it's not fair to expect her to stay.

She wouldn't do that to her. Couldn't.

Mirin is selfish. But she's not that selfish. 

Her eyes are stinging. 

She blinks, inhales sharply.

"This isn't easy for me, but I can't stay here, Mirin." Her voice is strained.

Mirin breathes shakily.

"I know."

"I know you're sorry, Mirin, I am too. I wish things could've been different, I truly do."

Mirin doesn't speak. She would regret it if she did.

"As much as I wishe that, I respect you for your decision." Remi is lucky to have her, she hopes Remi sees that, appreciates her.

Mirin takes Camilla's hand.

She would do almost anything to have things go back to the way they were. Mirin doesn't understand how things have managed to go so wrong.

Camilla presses closer.

She cups Mirin's face in her hands, brushes her thumbs along her cheeks.

"I love you." 

Mirin makes a choked gasping noise.

Camilla kisses her.

* * *

Remi is putting on her earrings when she drops one, it rolls toward the bed.

Clumsy fingers.

She gets on her hands and knees, looking for it, she lifts the blanket and sees it under the bed.

Remi sees something there, a box maybe. She reaches for it, dragging it out onto the floor.

It is a box, wooden, with flowers painted on the lid.

Remi debates opening it. If it's Mirin's, she probably put it under there for a reason, and it would be wrong to look.

But she's curious. 

She sits there for awhile.

She decides to open it. 

She lifts the lid, and sees it's full of paper, Remi picks one at random and unfolds it.

It's a sketch, Remi looks at it for a long moment, she realizes it's Mirin, but she can't be more than fifteen.

She looks at another, it's also Mirin, slightly older. 

She can tell they've been looked at many times over the years, there are thin creases where they have been folded and unfolded, and the edges are worn.

The sketches are beautiful, and Remi wonders why Mirin would hide them. 

* * *

Mirin sits on the bed, it's darker now than it was before. 

Camilla has left.

Mirin takes a hiccuping breath.

She wipes at her face with the back of her hand.

She's not a child, she is too old to be crying.

She stares at the wall awhile longer, before deciding to leave.

* * *

Mirin starts walking back home.

She knows Remi will be disappointed.

She can't really bring herself to care.

When she walks through the main door, she is hit by the warm air. She's relieved to be away from the cold.

Mirin sees Mallory walking down the left hall, and avoids her by going up the staircase.

She feels dizzy.

Eventually she makes it to her rooms. It looks like Remi is in bed, she tries to be quiet. She moves to the sideboard and pours one more drink.

Mirin knows she shouldn't, but she doesn't really care about that either.

Her thoughts are fuzzy and slow, and that suits her just fine.

She hears the bedroom door open.

She hears Remi walking over, floorboards creaking.

"Mirin?"

Her voice is quiet.

It's dark, and the light from the fire casts strange shadows over her face.

Remi moves to sit next to her.

"What's wrong?"

Mirin doesn't say anything.

Remi sits, quietly.

She looks at Mirin, her jaw is set, and she seems to be staring at nothing. She doesn't know what to do.

After several minute pass, Mirin says, "Could you leave me, please." 

Mirin doesn't want to hurt her, but she knows herself.

She will, if she gets the chance. Push her away to punish her for something that's not her fault.

It's so faint, Remi barely hears it.

Remi puts her hand over Mirin's where it's resting on her leg.

After a moment Remi stands and walks away.

Mirin hears the bedroom door close.

She finishes her glass and goes to pour another. 


	25. Someone You Care About

Mirin won't tell her what happened.

She's been low the entire week, and nothing has been able to bring her out of it. 

She's been sitting in the chair by the window for hours, silently. Deftly avoiding any attempt at conversation.

Even Avri and Silas haven't been able to help.

It's frustrating, but she knows pushing won't get her anywhere.

Remi finds Mallory and asks her if she knows what's going on."She tells you everything, I know it puts you in a difficult position, but I'm worried." 

Mallory's brows are drawn together, her lips pursed."I would tell you if I knew, but I don't." 

"I will try to talk to her, but there are things she won't share, even with me."

Remi thinks if she will talk to anyone, it would be Mallory.

* * *

Mallory leaves, closing the door behind her.

Remi is right.

Mallory tried, but all she got was, 'I appreciate it Mal, but I don't want to talk about it.'

Mallory thinks she understands, but it's not something Remi should hear from her.

Remi comes up to her, "How did it go?"

"If there is one thing you should know about Mirin, it's that getting her to talk about how she feels is like trying to start a fire in the rain."

Remi knows that's true, but it won't stop her from trying."What do you think I should do?"

Mallory thinks for a moment, "I'd leave it alone. She will probably tell you when she's ready. You can always try talking about something else."

Remi sighs. "Thank you, for trying to help. I'm still going to try cheering her up." 

Mallory smiles, "I'm sure Mirin appreciates it, even if she'll never tell you."

* * *

Mirin is sitting at the table, writing a letter when Remi walks in.

Remi picks up the book she left on the sofa and goes to the table, taking a seat across from Mirin.

After a minute Mirin says, "You know Remi, I haven't told you, It looks like-"

Remi looks up, book forgotten when Mirin starts talking. 

"It looks like there will be a conflict with Saunterton." 

Remi isn't surprised. 

"That's why Ara was upset at Hela." Mirin finishes.

"When are they leaving?" 

"Sometime this month, maybe." 

"I'm sorry." She doesn't know what else to say. 

Mirin just nods and goes back to her writing.

Remi wonders if this is why Mirin has been so down. 

After awhile, Mirin stands, and goes to the bedroom.

Remi thinks of what Mallory told her. At least if she's angry she won't be sad.

Mirin sits. 

"Mirin?"

"Hm?"

"I found...something."

Mirin looks up then. "Found what?"

"I, um, it was under the bed, I wasn't looking for it, I just dropped my earring, and when I went to find it-" She realizes she's rambling.

"A box, of drawings, I was wondering what they are." Remi tenses a little.

Mirin stares at her, and Remi wonders what she's stumbled upon this time.

She opens her mouth, then closes it.

She sits there for awhile. Eventually she says,"They're sketches. Of me."

Remi thinks she might say something else, but she doesn't. She knows if they were just sketches, Mirin wouldn't be acting this way. "Who drew them?" They are very well done, Remi is impressed.

A beat passes, and Mirin still does't say anything."Someone-"

"Someone I care about." She says it quietly, but she says it all the same.

Remi wonders what she means by 'care'.

"Oh." But she thinks she is beginning to understand. Remi is trying to think of how to ask, "You mean, someone, um-"

"Someone you care for,"

"You loved, _love,_ this person?"

Mirin can't look at her when she says, "Yes." 

Remi feels something heavy settling in her stomach.

It's silly.

Of course Mirin had a life before she was part if it. 

She doesn't know why she feels-

Upset.

Remi reminds herself that this isn't even about her. Mirin didn't want this either.

Hadn't planned for it.

She feels an ache in her heart, for Mirin.

She hadn't known.That's a terrible thing, no wonder Mirin is so miserable.

And she admitted she cares for Remi, in a roundabout way, she must've felt like she was betraying this person.

Remi feels guilty for putting her in that position. 

For making her do that. If she had known she wouldn't have pressured her. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't know." It's a stupid thing to say. Of course she didn't know.

"Don't apologize, its not your fault."

Remi clenches her hand, grasps her skirt. She can't do that to someone.

"You know, I don't care, or mind, I don't mind-"

"You could still, um, this person, I wouldn't want to-" 

Mirin looks her in the eye and says, "No." 

"You could, no one will do anything, they never do." 

She bites her lip."Really, It's alright. I wouldn't ever want to come between you, and, um, them,"

"That would actually be a horrible thing to do." She laughs a little.

"I wouldn't do that to you." 

"Why not, we don't-"

Mirin cuts her off then, "Because I respect you, because it's a disgusting thing to do, and I don't want you to be humiliated." 

At best Mirin tolerates her, at worst she starts to resent her. "You don't owe me anything, Mirin." 

Mirin frowns. "Remi, Remi look at me." Her voice is soft.

Remi does.

"I'm not doing this because I think I have to.You haven't done anything wrong. Neither of us have. It's an unfortunate situation,"

Remi can feel tears stinging her eyes. 

Mirin gets up and walks over to Remi, she takes her hand and Remi stands.

Remi doesn't think they've ever hugged before. Remi wraps her arms around Mirin's neck.

"Remi, I've made everything much harder for you than it should've been, had to be. I'm sorry."

She takes a shaky breath. "It's okay."

"It's not." 

There's a fluttery sensation in Remi's chest, and her stomach. 

"I'm very stupid, you'll probably have to remind me of that, occasionally." 

Remi laughs, "I don't know about very, maybe kind of."

Remi pulls away and looks at Mirin. She doesn't know what she feels yet, it's not love, but she sees Mirin a little differently. 

Mirin is slightly better than middling, Remi thinks. She isn't stupid, she's just too hard on herself.

Remi hugs her a little tighter.


	26. A Good Story

Mirin is holding manorial court again. Ara is off preparing for Nicholas' arrival, so she is on her own.

By the end Mirin feels a headache coming on. She stands and runs a hand through her hair. She sees Remi and Avri standing by the wall, so she strides over to them.

"How did I do, hopefully not terribly." If she was terrible she doesn't want to know. 

Wait no, she needs to know if she's terrible—

Avri smiles, "No. You reminded me of Father, he will be proud." 

Remi nods.

Mirin grins and tousles Avri's hair. Avri swats her hand away, "I swear, if you mess up my hair Rin." She glares, but there's no malice in it. 

Mirin just grins wider.

"I've meant to ask, how did you know those things about Sir James?" Remi asks.

It takes Mirin a moment to remember what she's talking about. "Well, you hear things when you spend time around the people."

Remi laughs, "You mean when you spend time in taverns and inns, listening to all the patrons?"

Mirin gives her a sheepish smile, "Well, that helps. I'd stay and talk, but I have to attend a riveting meeting on the taxation of grain. I will see you two later." 

Avri turns to Remi, "And I'm going to go and do something, I haven't decided what." 

Remi smiles. "Alright, go and have fun."

Avri trots out of the room, and after a moment Remi leaves as well.

* * *

Mirin opens the door to her rooms and sees Remi standing in front of the window.

She wonders what could be so interesting. When she walks over to her she understands.

"Do you want to go outside?"

Remi's eyes light up. "Yes!"

Mirin smiles. 

They put on their coats, and Remi is skipping down the steps to the hall. She is in the courtyard before Mirin makes it to the doors.

Most people are inside today, due to the cold. When the wind hits her, Mirin wishes she was one of them. Remi looks very happy though, and that makes Mirin happy.

"So it doesn't snow at all in Caledon?" 

"Only at the very tops of the mountains." 

"Sounds nice, I might change my mind about visiting." She wouldn't actually want to go there, she doesn't think she'd like the heat.

Or the oppression. 

"This is exactly how I imagined it."

"You think you like it now, but you won't in six months, when it's still here."

"I don't know, I think there will still be some novelty to it." 

Remi's face is glowing, and Mirin's heart skips a beat, like she's some silly girl again.

"Oh, and it's not only the snow you have to worry about, there is mud everywhere in the spring, and ice all winter, If you aren't careful you'll slip and break your neck." 

That reminds Mirin of something.

"Speaking of which, did I ever tell you about the time I slipped and almost broke my neck?"

Remi's eyes are sparkling, and she's smiling, "I don't think so, it sounds like a good story though."

"It is. So, one day Laurence and I were arguing, I can't remember why. Probably over which of us was better at archery or calligraphy, or something equally stupid, and I was chasing him outside, and that's when I slipped on the ice. I'm sure you can imagine how calamitous that was, what with the cobblestone, anyway, Laurence was laughing so hard he was crying, I can't really blame him, it _was_ funny,"

"But while he was distracted I grabbed his ankle and pulled him down with me, so then I was laughing too."

"Then Laurence and I started fighting, and I pinned him, which he said was only because he didn't want to hit a girl, which was a complete lie, by that time Corisande had come outside to see what was going on. We were both in trouble for roughhousing, and he didn't talk to me for two days." Mirin grins just thinking about it.

Remi actually giggles, which is a sound Mirin hasn't heard before, but she likes it. "Were you okay?" 

"Me? Oh I was _fine,_ my spine broke my fall."

Remi really does start laughing then, even though she feels a bit bad about it.

Mirin watches as Remi actually starts wheezing a little. Remi coughs, and tries to stop laughing.

"The only thing injured that day was my pride."

"And Laurence. I made sure of that." Mirin feels that sharp stinging thing in her chest.

She glances away, looking toward the gates. Mirin got through the entire story, and her voice didn't even waiver. But her throat feels tight, and she takes a sharp breath. 

She's surprise when Remi wraps her arms around her back."I was right, it was a good story. Thank you for telling me."

Remi's chin is resting on her shoulder, and she can feel her hot breath across her ear, feels her chest rising and falling where they are pressed together. And for one moment, Mirin doesn't want to think about Laurence, or war.

After a moment Remi tenses and steps back.

Things have changed. And Mirin has decided to change with them. She reaches out and grabs Remi's hand, pulls her close.

So Mirin brings a hand up to her jaw, sweeps her thumb across her cheek.

Mirin's lips meet hers, and Remi gasps. She's soft and warm. She tastes like wine. Mirin's heart beats a little faster. Her hand comes up to rest on Remi's waist. Remi moves closer, and the kiss deepens, and Mirin runs her tongue over her lips. 

Mirin breaks the kiss. She takes a breath. She knows she needs to stop while she still can. She feels a lot right now, the wind against her cheeks, Remi, warm and close. 

"What was that for?" Remi's cheeks are pink. 

"Because I like you." There. She said it. That means she is becoming as skilled in romance as your average twelve year old boy. So she really _is_ improving. 

And she means it. She is attracted to Remi, sure, that part is easy, but she enjoys being around her and that's harder to come by.

Remi laughs, loud and bright. She brings a hand up to her chest "Be still, my beating heart."

Remi is quiet for a moment.

Remi's eyes meet hers. "I like you too." 

They stand for a few moments more, and this thing they've just acknowledged feels almost tangible.

Remi takes Mirin's hand, "Alright, how about we go back inside, I'm starting to freeze, and I'm tired."

Mirin smiles. "Sounds good to me. I might actually die if I have to arbitrate anymore. People aren't meant to be up before the sun is."

Remi says, "Don't be so dramatic." But her tone is teasing. 

Mirin thinks maybe she could be happy with this, with her.


	27. The Letter

Remi jolts awake.

She isn't sure what woke her. A dream, maybe.

She looks around the room and realizes it's early, light just beginning to pour through the window. After a few minutes pass, she can tell she isn't going to fall back asleep.

Mirin's arm is laying across her waist.

And that doesn't bother her. 

She lays there and thinks. 

Remi hadn't expected to feel anything for her. When she had told her she cared, she hadn't necessarily meant romantically. And Remi kissed her, because she knows that's what Mirin wants. 

Then Remi had started to wonder if she was imagining things, after Mirin continued acting as distant as ever. But, after the kiss the other day, and the hug before, Remi finding out Mirin left someone she loves, for _her,_ she knows she isn't imagining it.

Mirin is actually a fairly easy person to like, once you get past all the drinking, and swearing, and general stupidity. And she does have a sense of humor, however subtle, something Remi hadn't known before.

Maybe Remi is just making the best of a bad situation, maybe that's all this is, her trying to convince herself that she isn't completely miserable.

But they'll be together forever, and Remi is going to try to accept her life for what it is, and enjoy it. 

She doesn't believe in soulmates, or love at first sight, what she feels isn't nearly so strong, but she feels something all the same, she knows Mirin does too, and it happened very fast. Maybe they just fit, in some strange way.

She lays there for awhile longer before getting out of bed. She regrets it when her feet hit the cold floor, but she goes on.

* * *

Remi is nearly finished sewing, she just needs scissors.

So she goes to the bedroom and looks through Mirin's desk drawer. While she's rifling through it, she finds what looks like a letter.

She wonders if Mirin has forgotten to send the letter she wrote her aunt, and unfolds it.

She sets the letter down and there's a frown on her lips.

* * *

Remi hears the door open so she walks into the drawing room. 

She sees Mirin sitting on the sofa, unlacing her boots. There's snow dusting her coat. 

She smiles. "I thought I heard the door open. How did it go?"

Remi continues brushing her hair, and Mirin just stares at her. 

Remi raises an eyebrow. 

Mirin seems to snap out of it. "Fine. You'd be surprised at the work that goes into running a house, there are rooms and buildings around here I've never even been in."

She sits on the sofa across from Mirin, trying decide how to approach the letter. She supposes she should just be honest.

"I was looking for some scissors, and so I opened your desk drawer, and while I was looking I found this letter." She takes it from her pocket.

Mirin's eyes narrow. "Well, you've been _finding_ all kinds of things lately." 

Remi rolls her eyes, "Don't start. It's not my fault you leave your deepest, darkest secrets lying around your room."

"It's not exactly a secret, I just never thought to mention it." 

Remi can't imagine what that kind of rejection would feel like. "It must've been upsetting." She says softly.

"Not as upsetting as you'd think, I never knew them. And you can't miss what you've never had."

"Why did you keep it?" 

Mirin leans over the table and takes the letter from Remi's hands.

She reads it aloud.

" 'Mirin, I regret to inform you, we have no daughter. Though there may be an Imani in Nyvikstad, I can assure you, they are of no relation to us. We would kindly ask that you refrain from writing us further.' "

" 'With regards, Atalaya Imani.' "

"You've read it, what does it say to you?" Mirin asks.

"I'm not sure." It's just a brusque letter.

"Well, here is what it says to me, it's funny that I didn't realize it until I read this letter, I've been Mirin Imani my entire life, yet I was never one of them. I wasn't part of their family, and I'll never truly be an Elswyth no matter what people are forced to call me."

Mirin pauses, then she smiles. "I'm just Mirin, and there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe that's why I kept it, so I can read it and remember who I am, so it can remind me that I should never pretend I'm anything else."

Mirin leans back. "You know, I found out later that they disowned her. Apparently they were shamed by their daughter taking up with a married man." 

"I'm sorry." 

"Don't be. I don't care about them, I just wanted to know about her." 

Remi still feels sorry, no matter how many times Mirin denies it, she knows it hurts. 

She gets up and walks over to Mirin, stops in front of her.

They don't deserve to know her, anyway. 

Mirin looks up, Remi sees the question in her eyes. Before she can ask Remi leans down and presses their lips together.

Remi cups her face in her hands, brushes her thumbs across her cheeks, "Just Mirin isn't such a bad thing to be." 

Remi steps back and Mirin grabs her wrist. 

She gasps at the sudden feeling of falling. But she isn't falling, she stares at Mirin.

Remi can't believe she would do something like that. Mirin tangles a hand in her hair and kisses her.

Remi's pulse is thundering in her ears.There is a fluttery feeling in her chest, her stomach.

She refuses to say _butterflies._

Remi is sure she can feel Mirin's heart beating against hers. She can only focus on how soft she feels against her mouth. She brings her hand up and strokes a thumb over Mirin's jaw. 

Mirin's hand finds its way under her shirt, slides along her back. Remi gasps and pulls away.

Mirin kisses her on the cheek.

"Thank you." Mirin says quietly.

Remi looks into Mirin's eyes, they are soft, and she notices how pretty they are, the kind of brown that's nearly black.

"For what?"

The corner of Mirin's mouth quirks up, "I'm not sure."

A wave of warmth washes over Remi.

She kisses her again, softly, slips her tongue between Mirin's lips.

Mirin makes a sound, low in her throat, and a shiver rolls down Remi's spine. "You're welcome."

Mirin huffs, in that way she does when she's trying not to laugh, and that makes Remi smile.

Mirin's hand is still a warm weight on her back, Remi rests her head on Mirin's shoulder. She takes a deep breath, smells cloves and something warm and sweet.

These are the things that Remi will let herself enjoy.

Her eyes flutter closed, and she realizes how tired she is.

It's late.

Remi slowly stands, taking Mirin's hand and pulling her up.

* * *

When Mirin slides into bed beside her, Remi moves a little closer.

She leans over and gently sweeps her fingers across Mirin's cheek. 

"You know what Mirin?" She whispers.

Mirin hums. 

"I like you."

That makes both of them laugh.

Mirin moves her hand, runs it through Remi's hair, the way she had wanted to earlier.

"I like you too."


	28. Not Thinking About It

Mallory is walking down the hall, laundry in tow when Mirin finally finds her.

"Mal!"

She turns. "Oh, hello Mirin."

Mirin strides over, "Here, let me help."

She takes the basket from her arms. Mirin knows she's not supposed to. Particularly now, but she doesn't thinking helping someone is beneath her.

Mallory is beaming, "Thank you."

"I've been meaning to talk to you, but I've been busy. Every time I turn around there is something else for me to do." Mirin sighs.

"I understand that feeling."

"I told Remi about Camilla."

Mallory stops, "Really, Was she upset, angry?" 

"No- well yes, a little, but she wasn't upset with me. For once I made the right decision. I told the truth and I think things have been better for it."

"That's great. I've been wondering when you two would stop acting like idiots."

"You think like it's easy, but you should try being forced to marry someone who you've met only once, when they were hardly more than a child." Mirin would call that difficult, awkward, a very bad fucking idea, but not easy.

"I don't think it's easy, but it doesn't have to be as hard as you're making it either."

Mirin has come to that conclusion. "Yes, I know. But I'm trying to do better now."

Mallory has a soft smile on her lips. "I know. One of these days you are going to realize I'm always right and just listen to me from the start."

Mirin rolls her eyes.

* * *

Remi is sitting and talking with some of the visiting ladies.

The servants have started to warm to her. They didn't want anything to do with her at first. Whether that's due to Mirin being a woman, or because she's Mirin, Remi doesn't know.

Maybe it's both.

Remi hears boots clicking on the floor, then as if conjured by her thoughts Mirin walks into the room.

She stops next to Remi's chair, hands clasped behind her back.

"Evening Remi. Mallory, Silas, and Ansel are going to play cards, I was wondering if you wanted to join us."

Remi smiles. "Sounds like fun."

Mirin's eyes seem a little brighter. "Alright. I can see you're in the middle of something, so I'll leave you to it."

Mirin inclines her head, "Ladies, Remi." she turns to leave. 

Everyone's quiet for a moment.

Kenna looks at Remi before asking, "So Remi, what's it like being married to Mirin?"

The question catches Remi off guard. "I guess it's the same as being married to anyone."

Cassandra rolls her eyes, "Oh come on, we all know that's not true. It must've been very shocking." 

Remi picks at the edge of her sleeve. "It was _unexpected,_ but it's not so bad. She's easy to get along with–"

"No offense meant, but that's a little surprising." Kenna says.

Remi frowns. "Yes well, once you get to know someone you learn that not every rumor you hear about them is true."

Cassandra has a glint in her eye. "Fair enough, but are at least some of the rumors true?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know, her _reputation._ Though if you ask me it's not such a bad thing, I suppose the ability to please is one benefit of marrying someone like her." 

Some of the girls start giggling. 

Remi's eyes go wide, and she feels warmth rushing to her cheeks.

She had known Mirin was, um, _wasn't,_ but–

Remi stutters something about not wanting to keep her friends waiting and leaves.

* * *

Remi can't meet Mirin's eyes as they play cards, or afterward.

Which is ridiculous, because she has thought about Mirin before, no point in pretending she hasn't.

The bath, when she had seen her face, when Mirin had pulled her down onto her lap.

As they are walking back to their rooms Remi decides to ask a question, to distract herself more than anything.

"I was wondering, how old is Ansel?"

"Hm? Oh, about your age. Why?"

Not as old as she thought. "Just curious. So he's younger than you and Silas, how did you become friends?"

"He was more Laurence's friend than mine. I think Laurence thought he was Ansel's mentor or something."

Mirin sighs. "And now he's just always around, irritating me. Silas has always liked him, for some reason."

Mirin walks to her bedroom first thing to take off her boots and jacket.

Mirin is dead tired, she had asked one of the maids to prepare a bath, and all she wants to do is bathe and go to sleep.

She heads into the bathroom.

For some reason Remi thinks she's against servants.She'll allow them to do some things, but she doesn't see why you should ask someone to do what you are capable of doing yourself. 

Mirin closes the door. Mirin closes the door because _she_ has decency. 

* * *

Remi is reading, resolutely not thinking about Mirin.

Or baths.

When she hears a rap on the door, and Mallory slips inside.

"Good evening, Remi."

"Evening, Mallory."

"Well, I was going to help with your hair, but I can see you've already done that." Mallory is a little surprised. 

"Oh, well I didn't have anything else to do. I think I can actually handle it myself from now on." 

Mallory's eyebrows rise.

"Fantastic. Brushing hair was never the highlight of my day." 

Remi laughs. "Well then, I suppose you have the night to yourself." 

"Where is Mirin, anyway?"

"In the bath."

Mallory nods and starts to leave, but decides to say something before she does. 

She lowers her voice, "If I tell you something, can it stay between us?"

Remi sets her book aside. "Of course."

"I know things haven't been easy Remi, for either of you, but I think you've been a good influence on her. You're also a better person than I am, if I were in your position I would've killed her months ago." 

The corner of Remi's lip tilts up. "Goodnight, Mallory."

She smiles, "Goodnight." She bows her head and leaves.

After awhile Remi hears the bedroom door open. Mirin walks over.

"I'm going to bed but you can stay up if you want." 

"Alright, I'll finish this chapter first."

Mirin turns around, leaving the door open.

Remi closes her book thinks briefly about what Mallory told her. She wonders if Mirin is trying to change for her or because she genuinely wants to. 

She'd prefer for it to be Mirin's choice, but she supposes it doesn't matter. She appreciates Mirin's effort all the same. 

As she lays down she thinks about how much everything has changed. She'd thought her life was ruined, but now she's determined to find happiness here. And she's beginning to see the good in it.

In Mirin. 


	29. Not Quite A Knight

Ara wouldn't say he is quick-tempered, rarely is he truly angry. 

Mirin, however, has the ability to raise his ire like no one else. He now knows he has indeed made a mistake by letting Mirin do as she pleases her entire life, but she was so angry with him she would've done the opposite of what he told her anyway, just to spite him. Any attempt to control her would've failed, and he hadn't thought Mirin would be taking his place one day, so it seemed a waste of energy to try.

But things have changed. 

Ara looks at Mirin. Finally he says, "Mirin, I expect you understand why this behavior is _unacceptable."_

He has lowered his voice now, he knows yelling will only make things worse.

Mirin nods. "Yes. It was dishonorable and inappropriate, even if he deserved it."

"I didn't ask for your opinion on whether or not it was deserved, I want to know why you thought that was the sensible thing to do. I understand why you were upset, and it is admirable that you defended the boy, but you cannot cuff lords and ladies." 

"I didn't cuff any ladies, and I apologize for hitting Sir-Whoever. It's not like I've made a habit of this. I can count the number of times I've hit someone on one hand. And I wouldn't have if he hadn't—"

Ara sets his jaw and Mirin trails off.

"You are not a girl anymore Mirin, if you behave this way you will not be respected. You need to start taking responsibility for your actions, I can't protect you from the consequences forever."

Mirin looks away, and for the first time this morning she looks genuinely sorry. "I know, and I understand. It was wrong and I won't do it again." She says quietly. 

"I hope you are telling the truth, because there is no word in any language that can convey just how unhappy I will be if I hear of anything like this again. You may go." Ara waves his hand.

Mirin looks relieved, she bows her head and leaves before he's done blinking.

Ara rubs a hand over his face.

He needs to speak with Corisande. 

* * *

Remi runs into Mirin in the hallway. "Mirin, what happened?" She reaches out and clasps Mirin's hand between hers.

"Slammed it in a door. Incredibly stupid, but I'll survive." Mirin says. 

"You've got to be more careful." She brushes her thumbs across Mirin's knuckles.

"I've learned my lesson. I don't mean to run but I've got to go." 

Remi nods and Mirin goes on. Remi makes it to Avri's room and knocks on the door, she opens it when a voice on the other side tells her to come in.

"Hey, Remi. I thought today we could try greetings today." 

Remi smiles brightly. "Sounds like fun."

Remi sits and Avri continues, "Alright, hello is easy, Eda, A-Da."

"So, is Mirin in trouble now?" Avri asks.

"Why would she be?"

"You know, for hitting Lord Bryant." She makes a punching motion. "Right in the face!" 

"I haven't seen Father that angry before, I might be the next Lord Elswyth now." Avri laughs.

Remi blinks, trying to understand. 

Slammed her hand in a door.

That lying—

* * *

Mirin looks up when the door opens. It's Remi. She doesn't say anything, she stands and looks at Mirin. 

"Did you learn anything new with Avri?" 

Remi crosses her arms, tilts her head.

"I did."

Mirin knows that Remi _knows._

"Why did you lie to me, Mirin."

"I, ah-"

"Honestly Mirin, I thought you knew better."

"You're going around _assaulting_ people, which is bad enough on it's own, but in front of everyone as well. What's wrong with you?!" 

Mirin is starting to feel angry, Remi acting this way usually has that effect. She has heard enough lectures on morality today.

"Firstly, mind your tone. I shouldn't have lied to you but I knew you'd be upset, and I didn't want you to think-" 

Before she can continue there is a knock at the door. 

Who ever it is doesn't wait for an invitation. 

It's Mallory and Ansel. Mallory is laughing "Oh gods Mirin, what have you done?" 

"I wish I had seen it, I always miss everything!" Ansel says.

Mallory takes a breath "You've made quite an impression on the staff." 

Mirin groans and drops into the sofa, face in her hands. "I'll never hear the end if this, will I?" 

"Don't feel embarrassed Mirin, they think you're a hero." Mallory says, smiling. 

Ansel's eyes are sparkling."Yeah, you were that kid's knight in shining jacket and worn leather boots." 

Mirin looks up and rolls her eyes. "I'm not a hero. It was a stupid thing to do and I knew better."

"Alright, what actually happened?" 

Ansel pipes up, "Lord Bryant, visiting from Kheda, struck a valet, then Mirin stepped in." He proceeds to sprawl over the other sofa, like he's staying. Mirin has some _thoughts_ on that.

Mirin thinks Remi deserves a better explanation. "He hit the boy so I walked over and explained that we don't beat servants at Havellan Court, things escalated and he said some very, ah, _unkind_ things so I hit him."

It was not her proudest moment. Well, she's had very few proud moments in her life. This is probably one of the better ones, really.

Ansel laughs. "Apparently after that the boy went and told everyone about how Mirin punched a lord in the face for hitting him."

Mallory starts laughing again.

"Alright you two. Are you here for any reason other than to laugh at my severe lapse in judgement?"

"We're not laughing at you Mirin, I think he deserved it, but you have to admit it's pretty amusing." Mallory says.

Ansel clears his throat. "And to answer your question, yes I was planning on playing cards, taking all your money, and getting drunk. In any order." 

Mirin laughs then. "In your dreams Ansel, you're worse at cards than Laurence."

"Hm. I wouldn't mind getting drunk and taking all of Ansel's money." Mallory pushes Ansel's legs off the sofa and sits.

"It's foolish for you to assume I have money, Mallory. Why do you think I need Mirin's?" Ansel says.

"I'll settle for your rings and your boots."

Remi gets the cards. "What makes you all so sure it's not me who's going to win?" Remi says.

* * *

Remi gets ready for bed, still in a good mood but somewhat less so after two hours of Ansel gloating.

She knows she should say something.

She turns on the chair face her.

"Mirin?" 

"Hm?"

She's tried to be more honest with herself and she has realized she could be a little less demanding and she wouldn't say shallow, _but._ "I know that I can sometimes be slightly.... _Critical-"_

"And I'm sorry I snapped at you."

Mirin is putting her clothes away and she pauses. "It's alright, don't worry about it. I'm sorry for lying to you, but I didn't want you to be afraid. I'm not a violent person, Remi." She says softly. 

Remi feels something warm surge through her. Mirin is sweet. She doubts Mirin Mirin appreciate being called sweet, so she keeps that thought to herself.

She gets up and walks over to Mirin, throwing her arms around her neck and kisses her. She runs her tongue along her lip. 

Mirin hums. 

Remi pulls away. "I'm not afraid of you."

Mirin eyes are wide, she just nods.

Remi laughs and kisses her on the cheek. 


	30. Shame Mountain

Corisande is walking down the hall when Ara appears beside her.

He has always been quiet, and as agile as a cat.

It stopped startling her years ago.

"Well, hello there."

Ara has a soft smile on his lips, "Hello, Corisande."

"I assume you need something, if you went to the trouble of finding me."

"Yes actually. I wanted to speak with you, about Mirin. I would've come to you sooner but, I've been rather busy."

"Is this about Lord Bryant getting a clip on the jaw?"

Ara groans. "What are we going to do? I'll soon be leaving with Nicholas, and she's going around knocking people's teeth out. It's not in good form, Corisande." 

Corisande smiles. "I'd say he had it coming."

Ara's mouth actually hangs open for a moment. "You can't possibly think what she did was right."

"Of course not but he is a miserable man, and as they say, don't start what you don't intend to finish."

Ara waves a hand. "Be that as it may, she listens to you–"

Corisande scoffs.

"She listens to you more often than she listens to _me,_ and I think you need to have a talk with her."

"Alright, I'll try. But no guarantees, I'm not a miracle worker."

Ara flashes an encouraging smile, "I have faith in you, Cori." 

* * *

Remi walks into the room, and sees Mirin sitting on the sofa, filing her nails.

She looks up, and smiles. 

Remi smiles back, and takes her book to the table.

After reading the same sentence three times Remi gives up. She looks over at her.

She has kissed Mirin because kissing is nice.

But now–

She looks at her.

Differently than she has before. Her eyes, her curls that Remi likes to run her fingers through. She doesn't think she'd mind being with Mirin.

She first realized this months ago, when she had watched her blush because of a simple thank you.

But it wasn't something she fully acknowledged, and then she had been distracted by other things.

Mirin is a contradictory person. She knows Mirin wouldn't want to tell her no, but she would, _because_ she doesn't want to.

Maybe out of some sense of honor.

So she will have to be clever, or just honest. It depends on how difficult Mirin decides to be.

If she had been told a few months ago that she'd be considering this.

 _Mirin,_ of all people.

She thinks about the first time she met Mirin.

She never would've believed this would be her life.

She wonders if Mirin remembers. Considering all the drinking going on that night, probably not.

* * *

Remi is starting to feel suffocated. 

She isn't sure why.

Her heart is pounding, and she is finding it hard to breathe.

She stands on unsteady feet, and slips away unnoticed, thankfully.

She tries to pay attention to which way she is going, she has never been here before.

She goes outside.

Remi walks toward the water, and she takes a deep breath, trying to slow her heart.

She sees the gazebo to her left, and notices someone sitting there.

She recognizes her as Laurence's cousin, or sister. Aunt. Something.

"Oh, hello." The woman says.

Remi notices she is sitting _on_ the table.

Hm.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you." Remi says.

Maureen, Maeve? 

"You're not bothering me. I was just watching the water, I haven't actually seen the ocean before."

Remi walks closer. 

"Don't know what I expected. It's just a lake, but bigger." She spreads her hands apart to illustrate her point.

Remi laughs. "I guess that's true."

She turns to face Remi then.

"Are you enjoying yourself? I know Laurence can be lively, but that's what makes him fun."

Remi exhales, and Mirin counts it as a laugh.

"Yes, I am. I suppose there is nothing wrong with being _spirited."_

There is a small smile playing on Mirin's lips, "So, what made you want to come out here with me?"

"Too many loud people." Remi says.

"Hey, that's why I left."

Remi had seen her talking with a lot of people, so she understands.

"What was your name again?" Better to ask than call her Molly.

"Mirin."

"And you're Laurence's—"

"Sister. So I guess that means you and I will be getting to know each other."

Remi supposes that's true. She can already tell that their countries are very different just by the way Mirin dresses, and behaves. She wonders if she will like it there.

Remi sits in one of the chairs, she look out at the sea.

She will miss it.

Maybe it shows on her face because Mirin says, "It must be hard for you, leaving." Mirin wouldn't want to do it.

"I still have time, but yes. I don't really want to go to Nyvikstad." 

"It may not be home, but there are many things to like about it. Like ice skating, or our libraries, or riding, that's popular, and it's not always cold. I suppose it doesn't snow where you're from?"

"It doesn't. I'd like to see it though."

"It's beautiful. At night all you hear is the wind whistling through the trees, and if you look you'll see endless meadows, and forests covered in snow. It's really very peaceful there."

Remi smiles. It does sound nice.

They fall into silence after that. It's not uncomfortable.

Remi finds she can breathe easier.

Mirin suddenly jumps off the table. "We should probably head back, before they start looking for you." 

She's right. Laurence is probably wondering where she is.

They start walking back to house, and Remi feels a little lighter. 

* * *

"Do you remember that day, at Lismore?" Remi asks.

Mirin looks up. "Not really, why?" 

"No reason." 

What Mirin does remember, is that they met three years ago. It occurs to Mirin that three years ago she was twenty-two. 

Mirin realizes Remi was thirteen three years ago. 

Mirin then realizes that makes Remi less than four years older than her _baby_ sister.

Mirin realizes she was almost _thirteen_ when Remi was born. 

Then Mirin realizes–

Remi watches as Mirin starts counting fingers.

Mirin feels—

She doesn't know, but she should probably be banished to a mountain somewhere to live the rest of her days alone, and in shame like she deserves.

Away from decent people. 

"What are you doing?"

Remi sounds exasperated. 

"Counting."

"Why?"

"How many days there are this month. It's thirty, just as I thought."

She goes back to filing her nails, pretending she doesn't notice Remi staring at her. 

Yep. She's finding a mountain.


	31. Nobody Tells Corisande No

Mirin is bounding up the stairs, and when she reaches the landing Corisande rounds the corner, Mirin nearly runs into her.

Corisande's eyes light up. "Ah, just the woman I was looking for." 

She knows what this is about. She puts on a smile, and tries to act more nonchalant than she feels. 

"Corisande, how are you this morning?"

"I'm well. I was actually hoping to speak with you, Mirin." 

Mirin starts walking backwards. "I see. Well, I'm actually very busy-"

Corisande reaches for her arm, and takes her by the elbow, "I'm sure whatever it is can wait a few more minutes." She is smiling, but there is a glint in her eye, and Mirin doesn't argue. 

It is a truth universally acknowledged.

Nobody tells Corisande no.

They make it to Corisande's rooms, and Mirin hesitantly steps inside. Corisande is already across the room, sitting down, by the time Mirin closes the door. 

"Come, and sit." Corisande pats the space next to her. 

So Mirin does.

"You know why you are here, so I'll get to the point."

Mirin braces herself. 

"You're someone now, and you will learn to conduct yourself accordingly."

Mirin knows Ara is behind this.That scheming son of a _very immoral woman._

"The incident with Bryant had nothing to do with _etiquette,_ he's a ba-"

"Bad man." Neatly sidestepped that one.

"He's an awful man, but you shouldn't have done what you did. People may find it amusing now, but one day you will offend the wrong person, and there will be very real, and very serious consequences." 

Mirin glances away.

"Things are different now, what you do will either reflect well, or poorly on all of us."

"I know. I'm not sorry for hitting him, but I am sorry I caused trouble for Ara, and embarrassed you both."

Corisande pats Mirin on the knee. "There is no use worrying about it now, and if I'm being honest I _did_ laugh when I heard."

Mirin smiles. 

Corisande stands, and goes over to her bookshelf, she runs her fingers along the spines before finding the right one.

She walks back, and hands it to Mirin.

Mirin looks at it for a very long time before saying, "Corisande, don't make me do this."

"I'm sorry Mirin, there is no getting out of it this time."

She knows Corisande is right. And she's trying to change, so–

"Alright."

"Lovely." Corisande moves to stand in front of her, and tilts Mirin's chin with her fingers.

"Here is your first lesson, we'll start with posture, sit up, back straight, and chin up. Put your knees together, or cross your legs, and don't look down at the floor, or fidget, confidence is key." 

That's too many commands at once, but Mirin tries her best. 

Corisande smiles brightly, "There you go, now that wasn't so hard was it? You're already starting to look the part."

* * *

Remi is watching snow dust the cobblestones of the courtyard through the window. She's happy.

She's happy _here._

She's not so bad when she isn't drinking. Or being insufferable.

Remi remembers how horrified she had been when she learned she'd be marrying Mirin. She arrived nearly a month before the wedding, and managed to avoid Mirin until she couldn't anymore. She regrets that now, maybe things would've been easier if she'd tried from the start. 

Remi knows she hasn't done everything right, but at least she's trying now. 

Knowing how Mirin feels, maybe it was cruel of Remi to tease her, but she really did want to know, and that was the easiest way. Mirin would've denied it if she'd just asked. 

And it was fun, she won't lie.

After awhile Remi goes back upstairs.

Mirin is sitting in the middle of the bed with a book on her lap. 

"What are you reading?"

Mirin jumps, she must've startled her. "What? Oh, something horrible."

Intriguing.

She walks over and climbs into bed next to her. "How to properly greet all ranks of the nobility-" Remi reads aloud.

Remi takes the book from her hands, flips through it. "Why are you reading this?"

Mirin stares at the wall for a moment before saying, "Corisande's making me. She says I need to learn etiquette, so now I have a new teacher."

This must be her punishment. 

Remi giggles, she can't help it. "I wish I could've been there." 

"Yes, well, I'm glad my suffering amuses you." 

"So am I. It's nice to laugh." 

"You're a very mean spirited little girl, aren't you?" 

Remi's eyes narrow, and she frowns. 

Mirin smiles.

Remi chooses to ignore that. "I know everything there is to know about etiquette, I can help you."

"Alright." 

Well. 

Remi didn't think it would be that easy.

After how she'd acted the other day, Remi thought they were heading toward another argument, but she seems fine now. 

She almost can't believe it, she's been trying to polish Mirin since day one, now she might actually be getting somewhere.

Remi smiles. "Great, it'll be fun."

Mirin is highly doubtful.


	32. A King And Three Generals

They're waiting in the entrance hall.

Remi hears boots clicking on cobblestone through the open doors. She's heard so much about him, she wonders what he's truly like. 

Nicholas enters the room, and shouts, "Uncle Ara!" He's with three other men, they stand back while he greets everyone, hands on the hilts of their swords.

Habit, Remi supposes.

Nicholas strides over and pulls him into a hug."I haven't seen you in ages!" He claps him on the back.

Ara grins at him.

"We have a lot to talk about, yeah?" Nicholas says. 

"It's good to see you Nicholas, yes we do."

He smiles at Corisande, "And Aunt Corisande, I've missed you as well." He clasps her shoulder. 

She smiles, softly."We've all missed you, Nicholas. I hope you'll visit more often." 

"I'll try my best. I'm about to become rather busy, though."

"Avri, it's been too long, you're nearly as tall as I am." He pats her on the head and she laughs. 

Finally, he walks over to Mirin "Mirin, It's good to see you."

Mirin's smiling. "It's good to see you, too."

He smiles. "Lady Remi." 

She bows her head. 

He walks back over to Ara, and they start talking about the distance between several villages, and some river.

Corisande mentions moving to the great hall, so that's what they do. 

* * *

They're in the solar now. Remi looks at Nicholas, he's not what she expected. Though she's not sure what she _did_ expect. 

He looks to be about Mirin's age, and is slightly taller. Straight black hair, brown eyes. He looks like most other men she's seen. Remi wouldn't guess he was a king if she saw him on the street. She glances at the men who are with him.

They introduced themselves Silvain, Rhys, and Donovan respectively. Nicholas called them sir, so she knows they're knights. They all seem awfully young to be generals.

"-And so I want to cross the Eaton river, rather than go through Withewood." Nicholas says.

"It takes longer, but we will have the advantage." Silvain says. 

Remi doesn't know where these places are, or their significance.

"I don't wish to be rude, but I think we'll leave this discussion to you." Corisande says. 

Mirin looks relieved. She stands and offers Remi her hand.

Avri stays behind, she says something about how she likes hearing of battles. Remi can't relate. 

It's late now and Remi's starting to feel tired.

"I'm going upstairs, are you coming?" Mirin asks.

"In a minute. I want to ask Corisande something."

Mirin nods and walks off.

She wants know about his Mother, if anyone would know it would be Corisande.

"His mother?" 

"Yes, Mirin told me that's why some don't support him, but she doesn't know the details." 

Corisande's brows are drawn together, and Remi can tell by the look in her eyes that this is something that's not talked about.

After a moment Corisande says, "If I tell you, you won't mention it to him, or ask about it."

"I won't ask him."

Corisande nods. 

"His Mother, Randolph's sister, got the idea in her head that she should be running things. She managed to turn quite a few men against him, she eventually tried to have him killed, and he found out. He was devastated, of course, but he wouldn't execute her. And so he banished her." 

"Where is she now?"

"I don't know. I'm not even sure she's still alive. Randolph was Ara's closest friend, so I knew his sister well, and I couldn't believe she would do that." 

"So Randolph raised him, what happened to his Father?"

"His Father wasn't worth much, and she divorced him years earlier."

"That's awful." There is a lot of death and tragedy here.

The realization isn't a comforting one.

* * *

Ara leans back into the chair, he gets lost in his thoughts as Nicholas and Donovan start talking.

He was nineteen the first time he went to war, the three years war.

It was a war of succession, much like this one, caused by King Leander choosing a young, unknown knight named Randolph as his heir. That wasn't the first time he experienced war, however. He was thirteen when his Father brought him along to show him what being a man is like.

Their country has a contentious history. 

Nicholas seems exhilarated by the idea, as many young men are, but Ara has seen enough to know better.

He will never forget it, any of it. 

His thoughts drift back to his Father.

He has been thinking about him lately, he doesn't know why.

He wasn't a kind man, and he doesn't miss him.

"Ara?" 

He snaps out of it. 

* * *

Mirin walks through the door and goes straight to the bedroom. 

Remi sets her hairbrush down, she looks over her shoulder, "Hey, where did you go?" 

Mirin falls back across the bed. She doesn't like talking about these things, but she is learning to anyway.

Remi frowns, she knows something is wrong. She gets up and goes over to her. 

Her arm is laying across her eyes, and she takes a shaky breath. 

"I was with Avri. She's upset, like I knew she would be." 

Her tone is flat, that's how Remi knows Mirin is upset.

"She seemed alright to me."

"Yes, well, I suppose the reality of the situation is setting in." 

The bed dips, and Mirin turns her head, Remi is laying next to her. "What did you tell her?"

Mirin sighs. "I didn't lie. She's too old for that, I told her I believe in them, but we both know everything might not be all right, and I won't promise her it will be. It wouldn't do her any good." 

They lay there for awhile, neither of them saying anything. 

Mirin breaks the silence.

"Everything might not be all right, Remi." Mirin says quietly. 

Remi finds Mirin's hand and laces their fingers together. 


	33. No Love Like A Father's Love

"Lord Elswyth wishes to speak with you." 

Ara's heart is beating frantically, he feels sweat on his palms.

He walks quickly to his father's study.

He opens the door.

He is sitting at his desk, he looks up when Ara speaks.

"My Lord." Ara bows his head, meets his eyes.

Ara's hands are shaking, he clasps them behind his back. 

"Aarav, you have shamed me, Corisande, and yourself. I knew you were weak minded, but you have managed to surprise even me."

"I would like to know your thoughts on the matter, what do you have to say about this?"

"I am sorry. I'm deeply ashamed of what I did, I have dishonored your name, and I apologize."

"Truthfully, it doesn't matter how sorry you are, you've done something that cannot be undone, and it will continue to bring you shame for the rest of your life."

Ara knows it's true.

* * *

Ara is crying.

He knows he should feel ashamed. 

"Please don't do this."

"I will not have her in my house."

"Then I'll leave with her."

"No."

 _"Anything_ you want me to do, I'll do it." He is debasing himself.

"This isn't a punishment Ara, I'm saving you from a lifetime of scandal and embarrassment. One day you will understand."

Ara's breath catches in his throat.

He winces. "Quit your crying. You have all the dignity of a Laosian whore." 

Ara has already lost his dignity.

He won't lose her. 

* * *

He picks her up. 

He can't let them do this.

He can't do this.

The woman comes closer, and Ara steps back.

"Give her to me." She says.

"No."

* * *

They take her.

Ara hasn't felt this way since his Mother died.

This is worse. 

* * *

His Father dies.

Heart gave out, they say.

Ara doesn't mourn. 

"I'm going to find her."

Corisande nods.

* * *

She tries to back away, he grabs her wrist and pulls her closer. 

He feels the bones grinding. 

He doesn't care. 

She gasps. 

"You will tell me, or you will see just how far I am willing to go." 

Fear is written across her face.

* * *

Ara jolts awake, he takes a gasping breath.

He lays there, willing his heart to slow.

He knows he won't be going back to sleep.

After several minutes he slips out of bed.

He decides to get some work done. He's been having trouble sleeping which isn't unusual, but it's been worse lately.

He supposes that's to be expected.

That is why he's here, wandering through the halls at night like a ghost.

He keeps walking.

He doesn't know why he would dream about that.

It's been years.

Until he finds himself in front of a door.

He meant to go to his study. 

He pauses. 

He turns the knob and pushes it open.

It's dark, and as he enters he sets his lamp on the desk. 

He sees his boots by the the bed.

His unfinished letters. 

He sits on the bed.

And there is a heavy, nameless thing taking the very air from his lungs. 

He tries not to. 

It makes him ache.

He shouldn't have.

He knows better.

He can't.

He is crying. 

He has tried very hard not to do that. 


	34. Remi Takes The Initiative

Remi hears Mirin getting ready in the bedrrom.

She takes a breath and opens the door.

Mirin looks up and smiles. "Good morning."

Remi looks longer than she means to.

That smile where one corner of her mouth tilts up. Her curls are tousled, and her eyes are bright. 

"Good morning." Mirin doesn't seem to notice.

She thinks she's just going to tell Mirin. Or show her, or both, she doesn't want to play charades with Mirin.

Remi wavers. She doesn't wan't to scare her off.

_Again._

And what if she doesn't like it? It would change everything, and things are going well now. 

Anxiety starts working its way through her. Remi walks over, she's done this before, it's easy.

Mirin looks at her as she walks closer. "By the way, I told Avri I'd take her to—"

She climbs into Mirin's lap.

"Remi?" Her voice is high.

Remi takes some initiative and pulls Mirin's into a slow kiss.

She puts her hand on Mirin's shoulder.

Mirin's hand slides along her side, coming to rest on her back,

Mirin's lips are soft, she likes the way they feel against hers.

Remi makes a sound in the back of her throat. 

She slides her tongue along Mirin's lips, she likes doing that, she likes the way she tastes, she's sweet and soft.

Heat is thrumming through her.

Mirin breaks away suddenly, with a gasping breath. Remi feels it fan across her cheek.

They look at each other.

"Did I do something wrong?"

Mirin looks confused for a moment, brows drawn together. "What? No. You didn't do anything, I just, um-" Mirin trails off.

Mirin runs a hand through her hair. Remi has noticed she does that when she's nervous, or stressed. She suspects this one of those moments where Mirin convinces herself she has committed some grave transgression by wanting her.

Remi knows Mirin, and she wants to be clear.

"I want you to touch me." 

That's pretty clear. 

Mirin stares.

Remi isn't even sure Mirin is breathing. "Mirin?"

Mirin moves, like she's about to get up, hand on Remi's shoulder.

"Don't." Remi says quietly.

Mirin takes a breath. 

"Please."

"You cant– _We_ can't do something like this without considering it. There are consequences."

Remi debates telling her. No point in lying, she decides. "I have. Her face warms. "I've thought about it before." She couldn't help it, not once she knew how Mirin felt. "I want you to–" She trails off when she sees the way Mirin is looking at her.

Mirin groans, pained expression on her face.

Remi knows she's about to lose her. Mirin will panic, leave.

She cups Mirin's face, "I'm not a child."

"No, but you _are_ young, and young people make mistakes that they regret for the rest of their lives. I would know." 

"I'll be older in less than a month, how will things be any different then?"

Mirin blinks. 

She opens her mouth, but doesn't say anything.

Remi wonders what's going on in that mind of hers.

Knowing Mirin, probably something ridiculous. 

Mirin takes a deep breath. 

Remi already knows what Mirin is going to say, so she speaks before Mirin can. "You said you cared for me, so why not?"

"I do, that's why I won't. Not today. I do believe you feel _something_ for me, and that's normal, considering I'm the first person you've become close to, but you don't have experience, that can make it difficult to understand what you feel, and if I say yes, I'd be taking advantage of that. It's not that I don't want to, Remi, I do, but I am older than you, and despite what you may think, I do know things. This is one of them." 

She has a look in her eyes that Remi hasn't seen before. "You didn't have a choice, and I'm sorry for that." 

Remi tries to sort through everything she's said.

She thinks she understands what Mirin's saying.

For the first time, Remi sees things from Mirin's point of view, and she thinks she understands her a little better.

Months ago, Remi reminded herself that she was lucky to have married someone like Mirin, if she wasn't sure of it then, she is now.

But Remi wants to be clear. 

So Remi says, "I don't owe you anything. And if there's something I don't want to give, you will not get it." 

That's very clear.

"I'm not asking you because I think it's something I have to do. I could go and choose anyone, if I wanted to. You aren't my only option. You're my choice."

Mirin's eyes grow wide. Remi can see the shock plainly on her face, but she doesn't say anything.

Mirin is staring at the wall behind Remi's shoulder, hardly blinking. 

Remi watches for a moment longer before snapping her fingers. 

Mirin looks at her. Finally she says, "If that's how you feel, then I'll consider it, we both will, and we'll talk about it later. Now, are you going to get off of me? I have to go see Ara." 

Remi nods absently.

She is the youngest. Her parents never denied her, she has always gotten whatever she has wanted.

She doesn't see why things should change now. 

Remi smiles. "Maybe." 


	35. Horrible At Being Terrible

Mirin's will to live has escaped.

She is really, really, painfully, unbelievably, undeniably, absolutely, stupid. Why did she have to choose now to become a better person?

Of course she chose the worst possible moment in her life to do so.

Even when she tries to be good she ruins everything.

Being good is terrible.

Being terrible is good.

She should go back to being terrible.

She should've just _stayed_ terrible.

It's her calling in life.

But now she's horrible at being terrible.

She's lost her touch. 

Mirin leans against the table, she claps her hands together. "Mal, I actually want to fucking die."

Mallory's eyes widen, she laughs, "What, why?" 

"Just trust me. I should be dead. I'm not enjoying life anyway."

"You say that all the time."

"I'm serious this time." 

"What did you even do?" Mallory's voice goes high at the end.

Mirin waves her hand, "The details aren't important."

Mallory looks at Mirin with her hands on her hips, "So it's bad enough to die over, but not important enough to share?"

Mirin looks at her, "Yes."

Mallory huffs and rolls her eyes.

Mirin realizes something and her head snaps up, "Wait, this is all _your_ fault."

"What are you talking about?" Mallory's voice goes even higher, Mirin didn't think that was possible. 

"Always telling me to 'stop being a bad person' and 'be a good person, Mirin.' Now I'm good and I'm miserable."

Mallory seems to consider this. "You were miserable before, what's the difference?"

Mirin pauses.

Damn. 

She's got a point.

"I was miserable and having fun, now I'm just miserable, and there is no fun."

"You're stupid." 

That's fair, Mirin thinks. "Shut up."

* * *

Mirin finds Remi in the solar, sewing. She does that a lot, for someone who hates it.

"Hey, Remi."

She looks up, "Mirin, how are you?"

Mirin sits in one of the chairs. She thinks at this rate, she'll have a new wardrobe.

"Why do you do that?" Mirin asks.

"Do what?"

Probably new curtains too."Sew, you said you hated it."

Remi stops. "I hated learning, and I was taught by the meanest woman in Endal." 

"So why do you keep doing it?"

"Like I said before, all that suffering and time is wasted if I don't."

"You sew because you hate sewing?"

"Yes."

Mirin opens her mouth to tell her how little sense that makes.

Then she realizes that would be a mistake.

She glances at Remi.

Mirin is now in an unwinnable situation.

And like most things in her life, it's all her fault.

Mirin is a naturally contrary person.

Always has been.

If someone told her they knew she wasn't going to jump off that cliff, she would.

Just to spite them.

Remi is sure that Mirin is going to cave, and that makes Mirin not want to.

Even though she does want to, and she is going to. She knows herself, she's weak.

How could Mirin have foreseen these two aspects of her personality so horribly and painfully conflicting with each other? 

It's cataclysmic.

Disastrous.

Devastating.

Anyway—

"Do you want to come to camp with me?" Mirin asks. 

* * *

Ara knows going to war now will be grueling. 

The thousands of problems an army encounters increase significantly during winter. It makes _everything_ more difficult, but there is nothing to be done about it.

Ara wonders if he will survive it. 

He was fortunate to have survived the first, he feels as though his luck is bound to run out. 

It worries him. They need him, and the thought of putting them through that again is too much to bear. And the thought of leaving Corisande again opens a long healed wound. 

He hates to make her worry, hates scaring her. 

Ara takes a breath.

There is nothing to be done about it. 

* * *

After tying their horses, they start walking through the camp, Remi is a bit overwhelmed.

Mirin puts her hand on Remi's back, "Stay close, and don't talk to them." 

Remi nods. It's what she imagined, very loud, men talking laughing, singing, polishing boots and sharpening swords, pans and pots clanging. "So why are we here?" Remi asks.

"I'm supposed to observe, and learn something, probably." 

They make their way to the large tent, Mirin tips her head to the guards, and they step inside.

They bow their heads, and Nicholas smiles.

Ara turns to them. "Mirin, excellent timing." 

He gives Remi a small smile.

As Remi listens to them talk about supply chains, and infantry, it all starts to seem real, and that makes her feel afraid. She doesn't fancy the idea of living in a war-torn country. 

She says a prayer and hopes something is listening.


	36. Remi Takes The Initiative: Mirin

Mirin wakes and sees Remi is already up. She lays there for longer than she should, the bed is warm, and she doesn't want to leave it.

Eventually she washes up and gets dressed. She sits on the bed while she laces her boots. Mirin looks up when she hears Remi coming into the bedroom.

She smiles. "Good morning."

She goes back to what she was doing.

Then she remembers. "By the way, I told Avri I'd take her to-"

Mirin's thoughts stutter to a halt as Remi climbs into _Mirin's lap._

For a split second Mirin genuinely thinks she's still asleep. It's just one of those very realistic dreams that make you feel strange once you wake.

But Remi is still there. Looking at her. "Remi?" She says. Asks. she doesn't know.

Remi's hand slides around her neck, she pulls Mirin closer, brushing her lips over Mirin's.

Mirin responds out of habit, moving her hand to the small of Remi's back.

Remi moans, running her tongue over Mirin's lips.

Mirin knows she really, _really_ needs to stop.

Mirin pulls away, breathing hard.

Remi frowns. "Did I do something wrong?"

"What? No." That's the last thing she wants Remi to think. "You didn't do anything, I just, um-" Mirin's thoughts are fuzzy, she isn't awake enough for this.

"I want you to touch me." Remi says suddenly.

It doesn't register for a moment.

This really is like a dream. Like all the dreams Mirin refuses to think about.

Mirin starts to panic a little.

A lot.

"Mirin?"

Fuck.

The one part of Mirin's brain that's still functioning tells her she needs to stop.

She puts a hand on Remi's shoulder, gently pushing her back.

"Don't."

Mirin takes a minute to breathe.

"Please."

She may _think_ she wants to right now, but later- 

"You cant _-We_ can't do something like this without considering it. There are consequences."

Remi is quiet for a moment, glancing away. 

Then, "I have."

Mirin stares. Her heart starts hammering against her ribs, and something white hot course through her.

"I've thought about it before. I want you to-" She trails off. Mirin isn't listening anyway.

She had-

Mirin groans.

That's the worst thing Remi could've said to her.

Mirin's never had much restraint, but she needs to be responsible.

She needs to just. Not. Don't.

Oh _fuck._

Remi cups Mirin's face, tilting her head until they're eye to eye. "I'm not a child." Remi says.

She may as well be. But Mirin knows better than to say that. "No, but you _are_ young, and young people make mistakes that they regret for the rest of their lives. I would know." 

"I'll be older in less than a month, how will things be any different then?"

Mirin blinks, a month.

She opens her mouth, then thinks better of it. Remi seems to be assuming Mirin is just waiting for her to be a year or two older.

This is not so.

She has never seriously considered sleeping with Remi, especially not now. 

For many reasons.

She isn't something Remi ever would've chosen, if she'd _had_ a choice. She would be exploiting the fact that Remi has to be here.

Has to be with her. Doing that to someone would be unforgivable.

Mirin is weak, she has let things go too far, no, _she went too far_ , now she has confused her.

She takes a breath, collecting her thoughts.

Remi's brows are drawn together, lips pressed into a thin line. "You said you cared for me, so why not?"

"I do, that's why I won't. Not today. I do believe you feel _something_ for me, and that's normal, considering I'm the first person you've become close to, but you don't have experience, that can make it difficult to understand what you feel, and if I say yes, I'd be taking advantage of that. It's not that I don't want to, Remi, I do, but I am older than you, and despite what you may think, I do know things. This is one of them." 

Mirin looks at her, pleading. She needs Remi to understand.

She remembers something she has been meaning to say. "You didn't have a choice, and I'm sorry for that." 

Remi is looking at her, but Mirin can tell she's thinking. 

After a moment she says. "I don't owe you anything. And if there's something I don't want to give, you will not get it. I'm not asking you because I think it's something I have to do. I could go and choose anyone, if I wanted to. You aren't my only option. You're my choice."

Mirin's trying to understand what Remi just said. 

Remi could choose-

No.

Who?

No. 

Would she? 

No.

Remi _can't._

Mirin can't-no _, will not_ let that happen.

Why would Remi say that?

Why would she want that?

Remi snaps her fingers and Mirin starts.

Mirin looks at her for what feels like ages. She doesn't understand. Then she realizes she's just stitting there like a mute. "If that's how you feel, then I'll consider it, we both will, and we'll talk about it later. Now, are you going to get off of me? I have to go see Ara." She says, hopefully casually. 

Remi smiles, something about it makes Mirin's hackles rise. "Maybe."

Mirin thinks she might actually die.

She won't survive it.

_Her._


	37. Mirin Gives In

"We both know you're going to say yes." 

"I want you to be sure, _need_ you to be this will change things, and I don't want–" Mirin trails off.

A beat passes.

"What if you can't look me in the eye, or you won't talk to me anymore?" 

Remi idly runs her fingers along Mirin's wrist. "I won't do that."

Mirin locks eyes with her. "Say it one more time."

"I want to." Remi breathes. 

Mirin brushes her knuckles against Remi's cheek, and she closes her eyes. "I don't want you to regret it." 

"I know. And I won't, so touch me." Remi says.

Mirin's hand clenches where it rests on her waist. 

Remi remembers the anxiety she felt when she thought about this. She tries to stay calm. Mirin takes her hand, and she can admit it's butterflies she feels right now.

Remi let's go, and Mirin slips her jacket off, throwing it over a chair. Remi doesn't know what she's supposed to do, and she feels too—

Something. 

Mirin stands there for so long, Remi thinks she might just turn around and leave.

Like she always does.

Mirin seems to come back to herself, taking Remi's hand and leading her over to the bed. Mirin sits on the edge, and Remi sits beside her. 

Mirin tucks Remi's hair behind her ear, and Remi wonders if there's something she's supposed to be doing.

She considers undressing, but she doesn't really want to. She doesn't understand why being undressed would bother her now, Mirin has already seen, but this is different.

"I want you to listen to me, Remi."

Remi hasn't heard that tone before. "Yes."

"Tell me to stop, at any time, and I will. It doesn't matter why."

Remi nods. Mirin keeps looking at her so she says, "I understand, I will."

Mirin smiles. "Now, I need to know what you're willing to do, want _me_ to do."

Remi doesn't want to seem like a naive, inexperienced girl, but she doesn't know how to say it. She knows she won't live up to Mirin's expectations.

Or the others. 

"I–" Her face warms. "I don't—" She feels very childish.

Mirin's eyes soften. "It's alright, we'll go slowly, and if I do something you don't like, tell me." 

Remi's heart is pounding, maybe the hardest it ever has, but she isn't scared, well, a _little_ scared maybe.

Mirin moves, puts her hand on the back of Remi's neck, brushes her thumb along the line of her jaw.

Mirin kisses her, softly, and it's nice. 

_She's_ nice.

And soft.

Her lips, her skin.

Those are the only thoughts in Remi's head. 

Mirin slides a hand down her side, stopping to rest on her waist. She can feel it, warm, solid. She feels numb and too sensitive all at once.

They break apart, Remi feels Mirin's warm breath across her cheek.

"Should I—" Remi gestures at the laces of her dress.

"Not if you don't want to." 

Remi relaxes a little. 

Mirin guides Remi on to her back. 

Mirin slots a knee between her thighs, and Remi's heart actually skips a beat. Remi slides a hand around her neck, she drags her down, kisses along Mirin's jaw. Remi's already wet. She'd be embarrassed, but that's what Mirin wants, isn't it? If she doesn't enjoy it there's no point in doing it.

Mirin bites her lip, runs her hand down her side. Mirin is all she can feel and taste, and It's good. She parts her legs.

Mirin runs her tongue along Remi's before she pulls away. "You can still say no. I won't be upset, I promise."

Remi feels a pang of fear.

She takes a breath.

Mirin isn't going to hurt her. She wants Mirin to, she wants to know. She has a strange feeling in her chest, her stomach, but she doesn't want to stop. After a moment she says, "Keep going."

Mirin looks at her, searching her face. Then she slips her hand underneath the fabric.

Remi shivers when Mirin's hand move along her thigh. She presses closer and tangles her hand in Mirin's hair, she kisses her softly, cards fingers through her curls, and Mirin brushes gentle fingers along her skin.

She's thought about this.That morning Mirin left, when she had looked in her eyes.

Remi bites down, gently, and that earn her a moan. She licks along the seam of Mirin's lips until she parts them, and slips inside. She tastes familiar, and right, and Remi feels like smiling.

Mirin inhales sharply, almost a gasp.

Mirin pulls tilting her head, presses kisses along the column of Remi's throat, she moans, softly, she can't help it. Then Mirin bites her, not hard enough to hurt. Remi's breath catches. She feels heat pooling between her thighs. 

Mirin moves lower, and brushes her fingers along, where she wants her most. She gasps.

"Okay?" Mirin asks.

Remi nods. She doesn't think she could speak right now. 

Mirin brushes her knuckles against her, spreads her fingers, slides them along, gently. 

Remi presses her face against Mirin's shoulder, breathing in her scent, soap and spice. Heat licks down her spine. It's too much, she doesn't know if she can–

She takes a rasping breath.

It almost aches.

It's better than she imagined.

She can't breathe.

"Is this good?" Mirin's voice is soft.

 _Yes._ Mirin's fingers are moving slowly, carefully, "Mirin–"

It breaks off into a moan when she moves her thumb across her, it's better than anything she could do. Has done.

" _Mirin_ more." She feels a flash of embarrassment, and she's glad Mirin can't see her face.

Mirin is saying something, promising something in that low, lilting tone, then she says something in Northern that Remi doesn't understand.

She takes Mirin's shoulder and pulls her closer, their teeth clash, and Remi knows there's no skill in it. She doesn't care. This is good, Mirin touching her, tongue teasing at her lips. She didn't think it would be like this. She trembles and Mirin hums.

She focuses on the feeling of Mirin inside her, her warm breath on her face, her weight on top of her.

This is what Remi wants. Someone who cares. Mirin never expects anything from her. And she wouldn't hurt her. Because she's Mirin. Pleasure washes over her, and she feels close already. 

Mirin leans down and kisses her. Remi feels _heat,_ the sharp, tingling kind. She gasps _"There."_ She tangles her hand in Mirin's hair.

She'd be embarrassed by finishing so quickly, but she can't focus on anything other than Mirin. Her lips, the feel of her—

Remi breaks the kiss, head tipping back. She feels it, the roar of her blood. She arches closer, moaning.

"That's it." Mirin murmurs.

Remi can hardly hear it for the blood rushing through her ears. All she feels is the pleasure drumming through her. She stills, chest heaving, she feels sweat along her back. Mirin kisses her again, slowly, until Remi has to pull away to breathe.

She lays there for awhile, when feeling returns to Remi's body, she curls into Mirin's side, Remi feels a rush of emotion, she doesn't know what it is, but she feels a lot, all at once. 

Remi moves, laying over Mirin, she looks down at her, runs her thumb over her cheek, and her eyelashes flutter.

Mirin runs her hand along Remi's back. 

Remi smiles at her. "I told you it would be okay." 

Mirin looks up at her, she smiles, eyes glittering, and Remi feels _happy._ She presses her lips along Mirin's jaw. 

"So, you're alright?" Mirin asks.

Remi laughs."Yes. I'm _fine._ More than fine."

Mirin wraps her arms around Remi. "Thank you." 

Remi lifts her hear to look at her. "For what?"

"For choosing me." 

Remi kisses her on the cheek, because Mirin is sweet, and she can't help it. 

"I'm lucky to have married someone like you." Remi says, quietly. 

Mirin's cheeks turn pink and she giggles, she can't help that either, Mirin is embarrassed by the strangest things. She rests her head on Mirin's chest, listens to Mirin's heartbeat, the steady rhythm of her breath.

Remi closes her eyes, just for a moment.


	38. It's A Cruel World

Mirin wakes, she feels hot.

She blinks several times. Her vision clears, and she sees Remi laying over her, face tucked into her shoulder. She lays there awhile, running her fingers through Remi's hair. Then she gently moves her, _very_ carefully gets out of bed.

Mirin goes to the sitting room and pours a drink, because she's been very good.

Also, she can do whatever she wants. She's a grown woman. 

Mirin sits. 

She caved so quickly, it's probably her new personal best. She knew she wasn't going to hold out long, no matter how much she hates proving Remi right.

She still hasn't gotten over feeling like a deviant who corrupts innocent young girls. She should probably still be banished, live in the wilderness with the other animals. She has a rule about not sleeping with people nearly half her age. When has Mirin ever followed the rules though, even her own.

Mirin turns when she hears feet padding across the floor. 

Remi throws her arms over Mirin's shoulders and kisses her cheek. 

Mirin is surprised, she says the first thing that comes to mind, "Hello."

Remi laughs. _"Hello."_

Remi looks down at the cup and frowns. Mirin knows she's about to say something.

Remi walks around, and takes the cup from her hand, setting it on the table, Mirin's mouth opens, and before she can complain Remi sits on her lap. 

Which—

Mirin's mind goes blank for a moment.

Her eyes go wide, Remi looks at her for a moment, then she leans close and kisses her, slow and soft. Mirin's hands come up to rest on her hips, and it deepens.

After a moment Mirin takes Remi's shoulders and gently pulls away.

Mirin has to catch her breath. "What was that for?"

She loops her arms around Mirin's neck."Because I can, and I want—" Remi trails off when someone knocks

The world is cruel place, full of suffering and injustice.

Never has that been more apparent to Mirin.

Remi stands, and so does Mirin. 

Mirin opens the door and it's a houseboy. "Apologies, Lord Elswyth wishes to see you." 

Mirin smiles, because it's not his fault her father never sleeps. "Alright."

_Dammit it, **Ara.** _

* * *

"Good morning, Mirin."

She scoffs. " _Morning,_ I think it's still last night." 

"I wanted to speak with you about what's happening tomorrow."

"Alright. But don't ask any difficult questions, I'm not awake enough to be challenged."

Ara laughs.

* * *

As Remi walks down the hall she thinks about what happened.

Mirin probably doesn't understand why Remi wants her. It's simple, she wanted to know what it's like. She'd known it would be good, because Mirin is good. That's obvious to her now.

And she refuses to endure a cold, miserable marriage.

She refuses to suffer through it. 

She decided all those weeks ago that she would enjoy her life, try to see the good in it. She couldn't bear it otherwise.

Even if they never fall madly in love, Remi doesn't see why they can't be close. Why should she spend the rest of her life alone and unhappy? She was lucky enough to wed someone who likes her, _wants_ her, that's rare enough in these kinds of arrangements.

And so, she's going to make the most of it. Do all the things regular married people do.

Remi gets to Corisande's door, and she goes through what she wants to say.

She wants to ask Corisande about what she's supposed to do when Ara leaves, he asked Remi to help manage things, but that's pretty vague. She could just ask Ara, but she feels strangely self-conscious around him.

She's about to knock when she hears voices, speaking loudly. It sounds like Ara and Corisande. 

Remi decides to come back later.

Then she hears something that catches her attention.

And she knows it's wrong, _but–_

_"How could telling her the truth be a mistake?"_

" _What would you have me do? If I told her she'd be crushed. You know that. And she seems to finally be making progress. I won't ruin things."_

" _All these years, and from the grave, Lia manages to control your life_."

" _I'm not doing this for Lia, I'm doing it for Mirin. There is no reason to hurt her."_

Remi walks away before anyone can notice her loitering. 

Her thoughts are racing.

* * *

Corisande catches Mirin as she walks through the audience room. "Mirin, I want to speak with you." 

Mirin stops, and turns around. 

"It's about your father." 

She steels herself. "Alright." 

"Again, I'll get to the point. I know you two have _difficulties—"_

Mirin sighs. "Corisande, I appreciate you–"

"Listen to me Mirin, please. He is very upset at the thought of leaving things as they are now."

"I just talked to him, he seems fine."

"Talked about what?"

"The company of knights."

"He hides his feelings well, just as you do. You should _talk_ to him, and not about war and politics." 

"I don't hide my feelings. I just don't go around crying. I have some pride, you know." 

Corisande frowns. "It's been twenty years, eventually you'll have to let go. He loves you, loves all–" Her eyes are tearing up, and she looks away. 

Corisande tries not to think about it. _"He loves all his children._ He isn't a bad man, you know that better than anyone. You need to move on." 

Mirin starts to feel very uncomfortable. "We get along. And I _have_ moved on."

Corisande knows that's not true.

They both do. 

"You have no idea what he went through for you." 

"What do you mean?" 

"Just that it wasn't easy, trying to care for you. He did it anyway, despite the scandal, the derision." 

A pang of something like shame hits Mirin. 

Her vision is blurry for some reason. "I know." She says softly. 

"I don't want you to feel guilty, I want you to talk to him." 

Mirin's quiet for a moment. "I'll....try. Before he goes."

Corisande looks satisfied. "Alright, good."

Mirin nods, and turns away before she can say anything else, blinking.

* * *

Ara walks across the courtyard, to the edge of the estate.

Corisande means well, but he feels frustrated nonetheless.

She knows Mirin. 

She's harder on herself than anyone else could ever hope to be, and if he told her now, she'd feel more than just anger. She would think endlessly about how she's treated him, agonize over it. 

The guilt would destroy her. 

He bows his head as he enters, and walks down the steps.

Ara lights the wall sconces. 

When he can see he walks over.

It's cold in here, Ara is cold. 

That seems fitting. 

He always gets a strange feeling when he comes here. Though that's to be expected. 

He thinks before he speaks.

There are so many things he wants to say.

"I'm going to war."

"Are you pleased with me?" His voice is quiet.

"Thousands of men and boys will die, and I'll have had a hand in it." 

"Proud?" 

He doesn't say anything for awhile. 

"If you were proud of me I would consider it a sign of my poor character." 

The longer Ara thinks, the angrier he becomes.

"You did the cruelest thing imaginable."

Ara naively believed that his Father had one ounce of compassion in him.

"I haven't forgiven you, and I never will."

Just like that, Ara understands why he's been thinking of his Father.

He couldn't understand it.

Now it's clear.

He knows he might die.

He might die, and he doesn't want Mirin to remember him the way he remembers his Father.

He wonders if Mirin would come to his tomb, say the same to him, 'I haven't forgiven you, and I never will.'

He smiles.

If he knows her, she would.

He laughs, softly. 

After all, she believes he took away her Mother.

Like his Father took Mirin from him.

He stands there for a very long time.

And he knows he shouldn't–

He glances in Laurence's direction, and looks away.

Then it becomes hard to breathe.

It hits him so suddenly he feels dizzy.

He needs to stop this. 

He needs to go.

His child, Rand, his mother.

He feels unsteady.

Ara wonders if he might fall.

He leans against the wall.

He doesn't know what's wrong with him.

He rubs his hands over his face. 

He slides down, sits. Breathes, shakily.

Think of anything else—

He can't do this now, Nicholas is depending on him, thousands are. 

He tries to get a hold of himself. 

He can't. 

He doesn't want to do this.

He doesn't want to go through it again.


	39. Doubling Down

Remi watches as more knights than she's ever seen pour into the entrance hall. Despite Remi's apprehension, watching all this is actually quite exciting.

Mirin gestures, "They're very lucky."

Remi looks at her. "Why's that?"

"Because their training makes them valuable, and you can ransom them back to their families. Knights are worth more alive than dead. The rest won't be so fortunate."

"If I were king I'd just kill them, along with the other soldiers." 

Everyone turns to look at Avri.

Silas' eyebrows rise. "Why would you do that?"

Avri shrugs. "Because ransoming someone seems like a hassle. And if you took them prisoner you'd have care for them. Keeping prisoners alive is too much work." 

Mirin pauses. "She has a point."

Remi hits her. "Don't tell your sister it's okay to murder people." 

Mirin rubs her arm. "I'm not saying you _should,_ just that it makes sense."

Remi rolls her eyes.

 _"_ It's against the laws of war to do that anyway." Ansel says.

Silas hums. "But it's only a crime if you're caught. If it can't be proven, it didn't happen."

Ansel laughs. "Isn't _that_ the truth."

Remi's about to ask what Ansel means, but before she can Mirin says, "How much do you know about all this, Remi?"

"Not much."

"Alright." Mirin thinks for a moment. "Every knight swears fealty to a lord, and most knights have men who've sworn fealty to them. They all serve the king, and should he go to war, the lord, his knights, and the knights men do as well. So, do you have any questions?"

Remi nods. "Will Nicholas fight?"

"No. Kings and generals don't. Not for lack of courage, a general's job is to direct _others_ to fight, not to do so himself. Running into battle would mean ignoring his responsibility to the men under his command. Same goes for the king. If a king or general does do battle, something's gone very wrong."

"But there's still danger?"

"Yes. Generals, are often killed if the enemy gets the upper hand, or they're assassinated, because it can cripple an army."

"Would Saunterton....kill Nicholas?" 

"Maybe. He could also capture him, force him to abdicate, but then he'd run the risk of Nicholas one day raising another army."

"You know a lot about war."

"I've always been interested in Military strategy, and I have to. I'll be in charge one day, and I might be called upon by the king."

"Lucky." Avri says under her breath. 

Remi hadn't considered that. "Really?"

Mirin puts her arm around Remi's waist. "Don't worry, I'd only be advising, I'm a woman, for one, and the nobility don't usually fight in wars anyway, they just start them."

Remi laughs, "How cynical."

She smiles. "What, it's true."

"I feel like you're all focusing too much on Saunterton. Brent is who you should be worried about. I heard when he captures enemy soldiers he takes a—"

Mirin gives Ansel a look that means, _stop talking about torture in front of my little sister you absolute idiot._ That's how she hopes he interprets it, anyway.

Ansel wisely stops talking.

Avri looks at Mirin. "Hey, I wanna know."

"No you don't. Pipe down."

Avri glares at Mirin and crosses her arms. 

Mirin steps away. "I'd love to stay and continue talking about the finer points of military strategy, but I'm supposed to go see Ara." 

Silas says. "Alright." 

Ansel's watching the knights intently, and Avri continues ignoring her.

Remi looks at her for a moment, then she presses her lips to Mirin's. It's quick, and Mirin sees surprise on everyone's faces. She walks away before she has to answer any questions.

* * *

Mirin is already at the door.

"Mirin—" Ara falters. 

She turns around, waiting for him to finish.

"Mirin I...I want you to know I never wanted, or intended, to force you into this. I wish I'd had another choice." 

He meets her eyes. "I am truly sorry." 

That's....not what Mirin was expecting him to say. It's nice to hear, nice for him to acknowledge it wasn't right, even though she doesn't blame him. Not truly.

"I was never upset with you. I understand why it was necessary, and I agreed because refusing wasn't an option. It wasn't ideal but it's worked out fairly well." 

Ara has a small smile on his lips. Mirin still thinks he looks tired, she knows it's hard for him to sleep sometimes. She worries about him, despite what he may think. 

She remembers that she's supposed to _talk_ to him.

She doesn't want to.

She really doesn't want to. 

"I–"

"I...Um-"

Mirin groans internally.

"Ara, I ah. I don't, y'know. I don't—"

He blinks.

She can't do this.

"We, you and I, get–"

Ara is trying to understand what she's saying.

"We talk, and that's good, fine." 

Mirin starts to panic.

"I don't.... _h_ _ate_ you, or anything. I just—" She makes a gesture with her hand.

Even she doesn't know what it's supposed to mean.

He stands there, unreadable expression on his face, doing his very best impression of a statue. 

She looks at him and she feels sad.

Deeply sad.

She doesn't know why, but it's visceral.

She stands there, saying nothing. 

So now they're both just standing there, looking at each other. 

Mirin regrets getting herself into this situation.

This is one of the worst things she has ever done. She didn't know she was capable of this kind of stupidity.

She decides to do something.

Something stupid.

Because nothing could be worse than this.

And doubling down always improves things.

Mirin takes a breath and decides _fuck it._

She strides over, and pulls him into a hug.

He immediately tenses, really committed to the whole statue thing. She brings her hand up to his back, and he seems to relax somewhat. 

Slightly.

A little.

Mirin feels him slowly raise his hand to rest on her back, like he's afraid she'll bolt, or yell. There's a mix of emotions that makes her feel oddly jittery, and kind of angry, and a little–

She doesn't know what.

It's strange. 

Mirin says something stupid. 

"I never hated you." She breathes. 

She feels his fingers tighten in the back of her shirt. He kind of... _wheezes,_ and she doesn't know what to do.

But she knows what she wants to say.

"Don't die." 

He makes a sound somewhere between a sob and a laugh, "I'll try my best not to." His voice is brittle.

Something very painfully clenches in her chest, a sharp thing that actually aches.

And Mirin _swears,_ if he starts crying she's going to hit him. Hard. 

* * *

Remi gets dressed and quickly braids her hair. Mirin's shirt smells like her, and that's nice. Sharing clothes and such is one benefit Remi hadn't considered. 

She meets Ansel, and they make their way to the great hall. The atmosphere is lively, not surprising with so many knights and a king running about. There's lots of laughter and conversation, _well,_ if you consider bawdy jokes conversation. She spots Mirin. "I'll be back, I see Mirin over there."

Ansel smiles. "Alright." 

She walks over. "Evening, Mirin." 

"Hey. Is that Ansel you came with?"

"Yes. And before you say anything, we talked the other day, and I don't think he's so bad. I kind of like him."

Mirin looks confused "Like? _Ansel?_ Nobody likes Ansel. Except Silas, but he likes everyone."

Remi laughs and swats Mirin's arm. "Don't be mean. Why do you dislike him so much?"

"I don't dislike him. But, he _is_ annoying, and he was my little brother's best friend, so it was my duty as a big sister to mercilessly tease and antagonize them both at every opportunity. You're the youngest, you wouldn't understand." 

Remi shakes her head, but there's a smile playing on her lips, "You're ridiculous." 

"Believe me, Laurence had enough people telling him he was charming, gorgeous, and intelligent. I was keeping him humble." 

Remi brings a hand up to Mirin's neck, she pulls her close and kisses her slowly, resting her other hand on Mirin's waist. Remi's heart beats faster. She likes the way Mirin feels against her, soft and warm, likes that she's so pliant. She brushes her lips over Mirin's ear. "Ithink _you're_ pretty charming, gorgeous, and intelligent." She says it just to see Mirin blush. Sure enough, Mirin does. It's too easy, there's really no sport in it.

Mirin stares, wide eyes. She looks ready to bolt.

Someone calls Mirin's name, and Mirin seems to relax. "Yes, well, I'll–" Mirin gestures toward the crowd of people.

Remi steps back, and waves her off. "Go on." 

Mirin nods.

"Lady Remi!" She turns and sees Nicholas walking toward her. 

Remi bows her head.

"How are you this evening?"

She smiles. "I'm well, thank you. But please, call me Remi." 

Nicholas smiles brightly "Alright. I just want to say, I know things didn't turn out the way any of us expected, but I'm eternally grateful for your Father's support, _and_ yours. Perhaps you could send him my regards next time you write." 

"I will. I know my Father is honored to serve a truly noble king." 

Nicholas looks pleased. "Thank you. I–"

"Hey! Your _majesty."_ Rhys calls. 

"If you'll excuse me, La _-Remi."_

Remi nods, and Nicholas heads back to his table. He bangs his fist on the table, everyone stops talking. "I would like to say a few words. Firstly, I'm indebted to everyone who is standing beside me in this fight, we have some of the finest men in the country serving in our army, and I've no doubt we will prevail. Saunterton will yield, just as his forefathers did, we will make sure of that."

The room erupts then, everyone shouting and slamming their hands on the tables. 

"And finally, drink, dance, and enjoy yourselves, and if the gods be good, this will not be our last celebration."

Remi finds a seat at the same table as Lord Lord Elswyth and Corisande. Not long after Mirin strides over. Remi listens to her and Ara chatting, Avri making quips every now and then, and she tries to enjoy it. Her hand finds Mirin's under the table, and Mirin smiles at her. 

She hopes against all hope that this won't be the last time Mirin and her family share conversation and laughter with Ara. 


	40. Memory Like An Elephant

Ara lifts his arm, and the boy buckles his gardbrace. 

Perhaps he shouldn't have wasted money on new plate and mail, but he doesn't want to see his old armor.

"Anything else, my lord?"

"No. You may go."

The boy bows his head and leaves.

Ara walks to the mirror. He takes a deep breath, reminds himself that this is something he has done many times before. rebellions, disputes. He took no pleasure in it, but it was necessary. This is no different.

It doesn't keep the dread from gnawing at him.

He turns and sees Corisande standing in the doorway. Ara gives her a halfhearted smile. She walks over, and Ara sees her eyes are wet. She rests her hands on his shoulders. "I'd hoped Walen was the last time I'd see you in armor." She tries to keep her voice even.

Ara pulls her closer and she wraps her arms around his back. "I'm sorry, Cori. I didn't want you to go through this again. You know I don't want to go."

Corisande sighs, but she doesn't say anything. There's nothing _to_ say, they both know that. She looks up at him, "You'd better not leave me alone with Mirin and Avriel, it's hard enough to handle just one of them. On a good day. And Mirin isn't ready to be in charge, _I'm_ not ready for her to be." 

"I think Mirin will do fine. She listens when it comes to her duties, so correct her if you need to."

He's quiet for awhile. He focuses on her breathing, how she feels in his arms. He wants to remember. "We both know I can't promise anything. I won't insult you by lying." 

Corisande blinks back tears. Ara brushes his thumb along her cheek, he leans down and kisses her. She presses closer and Ara feels that old, familiar ache. It's going to be hard to leave, but he isn't worried about her. She always keeps going with a kind of determination he hasn't seen in even the best soldiers. Ara hugs her again. "I love you Corisande. Remember that."

"I expect you back, _in one piece_. So don't do anything brave, or I'll tell Jana." 

Ara laughs, smiles brighter than Corisande's seen in some time. "I'll try to avoid heroics in that case. My sister is more fearsome than any army." 

Corisande starts laughing, but it sounds more like a sob.

Ara holds her tighter.

* * *

Remi gathers her courage and asks Nicholas a question, "So, have you ever met Saunterton?"

Nicholas turns to look at her. "No. But I know enough about him."

"I'll admit, I'm very curious."

Nicholas' lips press into a thin line. "There's not much to say. He's a lowborn mercenary who thinks he's a king. He and his supporters like to pretend the old ways were better. Sacrificing each other to the gods, and slaughtering each other in tribal wars."

Remi hears footsteps and she turns, it's Ara and Corisande coming down the stairs, followed my Mirin and Avri. Remi doesn't know what to say, so she smiles at Ara, and he smiles too. 

Nicholas looks at Ara. "I was wondering if I'd see the Nakota I've heard so much about." There's a smile playing on his lips.

Ara frowns.

Silvain steps forward then. "Are you ready, Sire?" 

* * *

Ara watches as the priestess blesses Nicholas.

He silently prays to Bakat for protection and victory. 

They make their way out of the temple and there's a kind of tension in the air that's almost palpable.

Avri is the first to break the silence. "You both have to write, waiting to hear how things are going will be terrible." 

Ara smiles. "I'll write if I can, I promise." 

Avri hugs him. She finally got to come home and he has to leave. It's not fair. He strokes her hair. "I love you, hali." Avri lets go, she sniffs and quickly runs a hand over her face. 

Nicholas smiles. "Don't worry Avri, your Father will be fine. He's as tough as they come. No one during the war managed to do him in, and I doubt they'll manage it now. Did he ever tell you about The Battle of Stetten?"

Ara steps forward. "Nicholas–"

"It was one of the first battles of the war, and one of Tilden's generals went into the fray to hold the line, your Father met him on the field. He was the only general to die in the war—"

"Alright, that's enough reminiscing. We're already a month behind schedule, we don't want to make it two."

Nicholas gives Ara a quizzical look, and Ara pretends he doesn't notice.

Mirin pulls Ara into a hug. She has that blank expression she gets when she's feeling things and doesn't like it. 

Corisande gives Ara a quick kiss and steps back.

Ara doesn't look back. If he does he won't be able to leave. Once they're far enough away, Ara pulls on the reins and turns to Nicholas. "There is a reason I never told Avri. If I wanted her to know, she'd know." 

Nicholas rolls his eyes. "Oh come on. She's not a child anymore. And you were one of the best generals in the army. You should be proud. Your _family_ should be proud." 

Ara looks away. 

"It doesn't matter. I don't want her to hear those stories." 

The things he did are nothing to be proud of.

* * *

After a somber dinner they go upstairs. Mirin pours a drink first thing, Remi doesn't comment on it. Mirin is thankful for that.

She follows Mirin into the bedroom. 

They sit in silence for awhile. Mirin starts unlacing her boots.

"What Nicholas said, 'Nakota', I've never heard anyone call Ara that. What does it mean?" 

Mirin takes a breath. "That's what they called him during the war. Nakota is two words and it's hard to translate. It's like, end and knowing. So...a sure death? He hates being called that, so I wouldn't recommend saying it within earshot." 

Remi's brow furrows. "Not what I expected. When I think Ara, I don't think, um, _that."_

"Don't let him fool you. He may act mild mannered, but he can be—" Mirin pauses, sets her cup on the side table. "He's kind, but not _overly_ so, I mean, he's not cruel, you'd just rather....have him as a friend than anything else." 

"I suppose I'm lucky he's friendly to me then. Though I do still feel slightly nervous around him, I don't know why."

"Don't be. He's not bad, just not as weak as some assume. And he's got a memory like an elephant. So, ah, best not offend him too terribly."

Remi snorts.

Mirin cracks a smile. "Laugh now, but one day you'll see what I mean. She looks Remi in the eye as she says it. "Elephant. _Never. Forgets."_

Remi laughs harder. "Stop it." 

Remi stares at her for a moment, then she walks over to the bed and leans down, cupping Mirin's face in her hands. She covers her mouth with her own. Remi yelps when Mirin leans back, pulling her down. Mirin looks up at her with a crooked smile, and Remi laughs again, breathlessly. 

Remi reaches out, hesitates.

"You can touch if you want." Mirin says.

Remi cards her fingers through her hair. "Why do you cut it?"

Mirin laughs. "Because it's easier? It used to be long. I'd still wear it that way if it was straight like _yours."_

"Is that why you don't brush it?"

Mirin grimaces "The thought of dry brushing my hair–"

Remi giggles. "I like it. I was just curious." 

Maybe it's not fair to use Remi as a distraction, but Mirin doesn't want to think about the war. Ara dying, Nicholas dying.

So she moves, flipping Remi onto her back.

Mirin lays over Remi. She blushes, eyes wide. And Mirin can only think _cute._

She kisses Remi, slowly. Mirin pulls away, balances her weight on one hand, and she smiles at Remi, brushing her thumb over her lip. "What do you want to do?" 

Mirin's warm and close, and Remi can't think. "The, uh–"

"What we did before it—" She won't meet Mirin's eyes. 

"Remi." She keeps her voice soft.

She reluctantly turns to look at Mirin. "There's nothing wrong with what we did, and there's nothing wrong with enjoying it." Mirin finds it strange that Remi is so forward, yet so shy. 

Remi's cheeks glow even brighter. 

"I know. What we did before wasn't–"

_"Bad."_

Mirin gives her a winning smile. "Then that's what we'll do." Remi pushes herself up, so Mirin sits back on her knees, she hesitates, looking at Mirin. 

Then Remi starts untying the laces of her bodice. Mirin's mouth opens a little, as she watches, never taking her eyes off her.

Remi smiles to herself. "Mirin?" 

Mirin's hands flutter for a moment, not sure she's really allowed touch, then she reaches for Remi's laces. Mirin brushes her fingers along her skin. She's so soft, and sweet.

And she lets Mirin—

Remi lays back, and Mirin looks unabashedly.

There are so many things Mirin wants to do. So many things she wants to do _with_ her.

Mirin looks at Remi, looks in a way she hasn't allowed herself to.

And Mirin appreciates so many things about Remi, and her face isn't the most important one, but she is...Different.

Olive skin, and her eyes are such a light brown they're almost golden. 

Mirin presses her knee between Remi's thighs.

Remi slides a hand around her neck, she drags her down, kisses along Mirin's jaw.

"You know, when we met I actually thought you were _almost_ kind of charming." Remi says, suddenly.

Mirin grins. She can't believe Remi would admit that. "Did you just say that I charmed you because I'm an incredibly dashing, likable, attractive person? Because you wouldn't be the first, I do have that effect on most people."

Remi slaps her on the shoulder. "I said almost, you ill-mannered reprobate." 

She brushes her lips over Remi's, slow and gentle. Remi sighs, lips parting, and when she dips her tongue into Remi's mouth she makes a soft sound. 

Mirin's heart is beating wildly.

Mirin bites her lip, runs her hand down her side. Remi parts her legs, brings them up to frame Mirin's hips. Mirin runs her tongue along Remi's before she pulls away. 

"I want—" Remi falters. She takes Mirin's hand, guides it between her thighs, Mirin's breathing is harsh. Her eyes flick up to Remi's "Are you sure?"

"Yes." 

"You'll tell me if I need to do something differently?" 

Remi nods. Mirin takes one of the pillows, "Here, up." So Remi moves, and Mirin places the pillow under her hips. Mirin runs her fingertips along her thighs, her hand breasts. She bruses her hand over Remi's stomach. Remi takes her lip between her teeth when Mirin finally touches her.

Remi closes her eyes, she breathes deeply. Mirin runs a finger over her, and Remi gasps. "Mirin, _please."_

She strokes her thumb over Remi's cheek. She moves her hand and Mirin catches her wrist. Mirin moves lower, and brushes her fingers along, where she wants her most. She feels Remi relax, and she moves, slowly, when Mirin's hand finds her she gasps.

Mirin slips inside. 

She's warm, and slick, and it takes what little bit of self control Mirin possesses to do only that.

Remi pulls her down, runs her tongue along her lip, takes it between her teeth, Mirin makes a low sound, kisses her deeply. Mirin moves slowly.

"More. Please." Remi whispers.

Mirin inhales, sharply. 

She leans down and kisses Remi's shoulder. She adds another, sliding her fingers back, she crooks them, and Remi gasps. _"There."_ Her hand slips under Mirin's shirt, along her back.

Mirin does it again, and Remi moans.

It's easy with Remi, because she's so responsive. Mirin brushes her hand along the inside of her thigh. "I tried not to think about you, but I did. I wondered what you'd feel like, sound like. And after the wedding, blushing when I complimented you, I knew you'd be sweet."

Mirin feels breathless just watching her. "And if I'd known that night I would've shown you what it's like, how good it can be."

Remi's fingers twist into Mirin's sleeve. "I would've–I would've let you." Remi gasps.

Mirin's heart is pounding in her ears, Remi is gasping, she can her panting breaths, and when she moans—

Mirin feels a rush of affection, stronger than the desire, because Remi is kind, and strong, and clever, and she wants _her._ Mirin runs her hand through her hair, it's silky between her fingers.

She pulls, tilting her head, presses kisses along the column of Remi's throat. Remi moans, softly, and just that is enough, more than she ever thought she'd have.

Mirin knows she's close. She kisses Remi again, until she's dizzy and has to come up for air. Remi clenches around her, and she tips her head back, gasping. And she is lovely, hair flowing over her shoulders, color on her cheeks, back arching.

Mirin's breath locks in her throat. "That's it." She murmurs.

Mirin's hand slides under Remi's chin, she leans down, teasing into her mouth. Remi moans against her lips, broken and sweet. She trembles and Mirin hums.

Remi pulls Mirin down. She hugs Mirin so tight she can't breathe, arms and legs wrapped around her. She's like an overly affectionate octopus. 

Well, what Mirin assumes an affectionate octopus is like. It's not like she's ever made friends with one or anything.

Remi's heartbeat slows and she starts to feel tired.

"I like you too Remi, but I'm a actually rather cold, and I'd like to get into bed."

Remi reluctantly lets go, and Mirin pulls back the blanket. They've all been up since dawn, she's tired, and it's nice to lay down. Remi starts inching over, like Mirin won't notice. "You can come closer if you promise not to crack my ribs." 

Remi makes a noncommittal grunting noise.

That should be an easy thing to agree to, so that's slightly troubling.

Remi sprawls on top of Mirin. When she said 'closer' she didn't mean 'sleep on me instead of the bed', but it's fine. She runs her fingers through Remi's hair, because it's so soft, and she can't help herself. 

After awhile Remi's breathing slows, and Mirin knows she's asleep.

Mirin looks at her.

She can't believe that Remi likes her too. _Mirin_ doesn't even like Mirin. But she's kind of stuck with herself. It's strange that Remi, who isn't necessarily stuck with her, chooses to be around her anyway. Mirin can't say she understands the appeal, but there's no accounting for taste.

She does still judge Remi for her poor taste in romantic partners though. She honestly expected better from her, but some people just aren't very selective. Of course, that's always worked in Mirin's favor.

Her thoughts inevitably drift toward _the thing_.

Mirin's glad that Remi hasn't asked why she never expects reciprocation. Remi doesn't seem to care, and that's good. She prefers touching to _being_ touched. It's just how she is. She might let Remi, eventually, If she wants to, but the more experience she has the better she'll understand what to do. So they both benefit from this. 

Mirin wraps her arms around her. She doesn't understand it, but she's glad Remi sees something in her that's worth having. She's happier than she's been in a long time.


	41. Lia's Decision

"Do you want to hold him?" Corisande's eyes are sparkling.

Mirin nods her head and Corisande laughs.   
Corisande moves Mirin's arms. "Be careful, you need to support his head."

Her heart is beating fast, she doesn't want to hurt him, he's so little. And delicate.   
She likes him as soon as she holds him.   
He's cute, and soft.   
She brushes her finger along his cheek until he swats her hand away with an unhappy grunting kind of sound.   
She smiles and runs her thumb over the back of his hand, she likes them. Likes his little fingers. He's like a doll, but even tinier. 

She's always wanted a brother. Or a sister. She's not particular.   
She can't wait until he can do things besides sleep. And cry. 

He finally opens his eyes, and she sees that they're green, like Corisande's. They're pretty, and she thinks he'll probably look more like her than Abayi, he has her eyes and fair complexion.   
He starts crying after awhile. She doesn't really want to give him back to Corisande, but she knows she has to. 

* * *

She comes back later and watches him sleep. Just for a minute. And she can't help touching him, but she's careful, she knows Corisande will be mad if she wakes him.

Mirin goes to find Mallory. 

She smiles when she sees him. "He's cute." 

Mirin feels proud. "I know." 

"I wish I had a brother. Just one though, boys are annoying." Mallory touches his cheek. "What's his name?" 

"Laurence. Laurence Jalmari." 

"That's a strange name." 

"That's because Abayi got to pick his first name, but Lady Corisande said he was going to have one of her people's names too." 

"So you don't mind that he's not a sister?"

Mirin strokes his soft brown hair. "No. I think having a brother will be just as fun." 

* * *

Lia is sitting in the garden, and Mirin runs over to her.

"Mother, guess what? Corisande let me hold him. He's so little, and cute. I've never held a baby before, but I didn't drop him or anything, and he didn't even wake up, well, not for a long time anyway, so he must like me. Corisande said they're going to name him Laurence. Oh, and he's got green eyes just like her, isn't that nice?" Mirin hardly takes a breath. 

"That's very nice. I take it you're excited about being a big sister?" 

Mirin nods.

"Come here Mirin." Lia pats the space on the bench beside her. 

Mirin sits. She's still smiling, kicking her feet back and forth.

Lia sighs. "Things are different now, Mirin. It won't be like it was, Ara has a true heir now, and a son at that. Do you understand?"

Mirin doesn't. "So?" 

"So, you won't inherit now. Your brother will, because he's Corisande's son. That makes him different from you. If you're lucky, and clever, you might one day marry a rich man, and it won't matter so much. That's why it's important for you to listen to me when I tell you to stop playing with the servant boys all day. You need to be a respectable lady."

"If you listen to nothing else I say Mirin listen to this, Never forget who you are. It will save you a lot of pain."

That's stupid and not fair. She doesn't want to crochet all day, or whatever else ladies do. She hates all that stuff. And she doesn't care about being a lady. She wants to argue, but she knows she'd get in trouble, so she doesn't. 

Mirin thinks about the first thing she said.   
She hadn't thought of that.  
Will Abi really like Laurence better?   
No. Mirin doesn't think that's true. And she doesn't care if Laurence inherits a stupid title. She doesn't want it anyway. It sounds boring. She'd rather be a knight. She doesn't care what people say. 

If not a true knight, than a knight of the road. She knows it's bad to rob people. But it _would_ be exciting. 

* * *

Mirin is very quiet. She was so happy earlier, Ara doesn't understand. "What's wrong, Mirin?"

"Nothing. I was just thinking."

"Aren't you still excited?"

"Yes. But-" She trails off. 

Ara thinks he may understand. He sits next to her. "Are you worried about having a little brother?"

"No. I'm not. It's just... he's different right?"

"What do you mean?" 

"Different from me, because Corisande's not my Mother too. Does that mean you'll like him better?" 

Ara's eyes go wide. "Of course not, Mirin. I love you as much as I love your brother. Why would you think that?"

"Because. He's a true son. And he will take your titles."

Mirin never seemed aware of this before. It doesn't sound like her. It doesn't sound like something a child would say. But he thinks he knows who would. "Mirin, did someone tell you those things?" 

"No." She looks away. 

"You know you're not supposed to lie to me, Mirin." 

Mirin sits straighter "I mean, I told Mother about holding Laurence and she said he'd inhe-"

Ara stops listening after that. He hears blood rushing through his ears. He should've known.

* * *

Lia is walking down the hall when Ara shouts her name.

"Lia!"

Great. "What have I done now?" 

"Did you think I wouldn't find out what you told her? How dare you try to turn her against me, against her brother."

Of course Ara would think this is about him.

Lia's temper starts to rise. "I'm trying to protect her! You aren't doing her any favors by lying to her. Do you think it's fair for Mirin to hear people whispering about her, not knowing why. Not knowing because she's been told her whole life she's just like everyone else? And don't pretend what I told her isn't true, we both know which of them is more _beneficial_ to you."

He doesn't deny it.

Lia is angry, but more so than that she's tired.

She's tired of this.

"I know you have a low opinion of me Ara, but I wouldn't hurt Mirin just to spite you."

Lia turns and walks away.

* * *

Lia finally decides what she wants to say. 

First she writes a note.

She sets the pen down. She thinks that's suitable. She folds and seals it.

Lia cracks open the door to Ara's study. He's not there, so she steps inside.  
She walks to his desk and sets the letter down.

Ara is a good Father, she won't deny that.

And Corisande has all but adopted her.

She'll be fine. Better than. 

She will be sad, of course, but it's for the best.

Lia wasn't meant for this. 

Mirin will be better off. 

Lia hesitates, second guessing herself.

Maybe it would be for the best if Mirin just...

Forgot her.

It's not as if she's ever been a mother to her. 

Not in any way that matters. 

How much of a loss could it truly be? 

And if she leaves the letter Mirin will read it one day, and why reopen an old wound once it's healed?

She stands there awhile. 

Lia takes the letter with her. 

* * *

The pain is searing. 

She's sick again, over the side of the bed.

She wishes it would just happen already. 

Through the haze of nausea and pain she thinks about her life.

And she regrets it all.

She knows she was selfish.

She knows she could've been better. 

Should've been.

She wishes she could go back and do things differently.

She would wager everyone wishes that at the end. 

It's too late.

She accepts that. 

She's tired and she wants to sleep, but she can't.

She closes her eyes anyway. 


	42. At Least Four

The man kneels. "By Ina before whom this vow is binding, I will be true and faithful, and love all which he loves and shun all which he shuns, according to the laws of the gods and the order of the world. Nor will I ever with will or action, through word or deed, do anything which is unpleasing to him, on condition that he will hold to me as I shall deserve it, and that he will perform everything as it was in our agreement when I submitted myself to him and chose his will." 

Mirin stands and takes his hand, pulling him up. "Ina bless and keep you." 

"Thank you, my lord. I'm truly grateful."

Mirin smiles and claps him on the shoulder.

"Good morning." Mirin says.

Remi smiles. "That man, does he serve you now?"

"Well, he serves Ara. I'm more like a witness, or a proxy."

"So he's a servant?"

"Well–No. He's a liegeman, but he doesn't have to work on the manor forever. He can leave whenever he wants."

"Really?"

"......Provided he pays a small fee." She puts her index finger and thumb together to show how small.

Remi sighs and crosses her arms.

"It's not like they're slaves, they have rights." Mirin says. 

Remi doesn't look convinced. "What rights do they have?" 

Mirin thinks. "Well–You can't kill them without a _really_ good reason. And, ah, they can marry if they pay a merchet, they're entitled to compensation in the event of injury or death, which we are not liable for, by the way. Oh, and they get an entire week to mourn if the person who dies is a child or spouse. So that's four right there." She holds up her fingers for emphasis. 

"What's _merchet?"_ Remi asks.

"It's a fee for marrying. If they pay it, and are granted permission, they may marry."

Remi's frown deepens somehow.

Mirin feels the judgement rolling off Remi in waves. "They're treated well here, you know we don't abuse them. And he stands to gain from it, they all do. He gets land to work and a house in the village. That's more than most have. In return I swear to give him protection and justice. _And_ I've thrown in some boots and books."

Remi raises an eyebrow. "Why boots and books?"

"The last one died of the plague. But he won't be needing those boots anymore. So, that's pretty good." Mirin gestures at the man. "For him I mean, not the dead guy. Then again, he probably can't read. He could use the books for kindling, anyway. So it's still a good deal." 

Remi stares. Long and hard. "Wait–children. So his children would have to work here as well?"

"Well....yes. They're born into it, same as everyone, low-born or high."

"That's terrible, Mirin." 

Mirin spreads her arms. "Okay, when I become queen I'll rip apart the very fabric of our society, change all the unfair laws and start a massive civil war that will fracture the country. Happy?" 

Remi stares. "No." 

"Yeah, well–" Mirin glances away before looking at her again. "Be quiet then." 

Remi gasps. 

Mirin walks away before Remi can reply.

Or retaliate.

As she walks down the hall she sees Mallory. Mirin quickly tries to decide which is the better option, walking back to the audience room with an angry Remi or talking to Mal. 

Before she makes up her mind Mallory spots her, walking over.

"Hello, Mirin."

She smiles. "Hey, Mal." _She's got to get out of here. Mal is part bloodhound._

"You've been so busy I haven't been able to talk to you." The way she says it tells Mirin that Mal knows she hasn't been very busy at all. "How are things going with Remi now?"

"Oh, fine. We're getting along." Mirin shifts, uneasy.

"That's good. I heard you're getting along very well." 

Mirin knew Mal would hear about it when Remi did that in front of them. _Why did she have to do that in front of them._ "It was one kiss, I don't know why everyone's so–"

"What did you do, Mirin?" 

Mirin's mouth hangs open. She starts to speak, then stops. "What? I didn't do anything!" Okay, maybe she did _something._

Mallory crosses her arms. "Don't lie, I know that look."

"I–"

"I know _you."_

Mirin looks away. "Fine I said no _at first._ I didn't make her do anything. I never would've laid a hand on her if she didn't ask. She's not as wide-eyed as you think."

"Mirin, honestly—"

"I said no! If anyone's a victim here, it's not Remi." Mirin says, gesturing.

 _"Mirin."_ Mallory says, giving her a black look.

She knows Mallory's about to go all big sister on her, because she believes Remi needs protecting.

Never has anything been less true.

"Honestly, you have all the self-restraint of a sticky fingered maid left alone with the silver." Mallory shakes her head. "You really need to start considering the consequences before you act Mirin."

Mirin looks away, she feels shame pressing down on her. "I didn't do it for myself, Mal. I wasn't trying to use her."

"I know you wouldn't _intend_ to, but she's still a girl, and you know girls that age don't make good decisions. You don't want her to come to resent you for it."

"I've already thought of that, believe me. I didn't take it lightly I talked to her, she was going to do it regardless, better me than some cad off the street."

Mallory sighs. "Just remember the position she's in. It's very different from yours. Don't take advantage of that."

"I won't."

Mirin says it to herself more than Mallory.

* * *

Mirin rubs her forehead.

She knows things are different here, but Remi is starting to give her a headache. "We've a saying here Remi, vassals and freemen work for all, knights and barons fight for all, and priests pray for all. The point is that they're all important, necessary. And they are treated better here than they would be elsewhere. Those who work here are paid very well, even the houseboys."

"Even so, I think it's unjust." Remi huffs. 

"I like our way of doing things." Mirin says. 

Remi's eyes narrow. "Why?"

Mirin shrugs a shoulder. "Because I benefit from it." 

Remi keeps looking at her.

"I mean, if I was on the other side of the fence, but I'm pretty happy with my life overall." Mirin says flatly.

Remi's frown deepens. "That's horrible–"

"I'm kidding, alright. But what am I supposed to do? I know, I'll go to the capital and tell everyone 'Hey, let's treat the common people a little better'. I'm sure they'll listen, because the rich and powerful are always _very_ kind."

Remi crosses her arms. "I didn't say I expected you to do anything. You've just got to admit it isn't right." 

"Fine. Yes. But it is what it is. The world is not, and will never be, fair. Because people are horrible and they'll continue treating each other horribly until the end of time."

"That's a very pessimistic attitude. I think there are more good people than bad people in the world." 

Yes. She definitely has a headache now. "Have you ever considered talking less?"

Remi gives her a look. "If you value your life, you'll say you're still joking."

"I don't know." Mirin gestures at her face. "I think that's why the gods gave you a mouth that shuts and ears that don't."

Remi's mouth hangs open, then she glares at her. "Mirin, you–"

Mirin stops listening then.

Why couldn't Ara have just given her a cat?

If she had to take care of a small, ungrateful creature—They don't talk back. And they're soft. Well, Remi is soft, but the softness isn't worth the whinging and whining. And if Remi was a cat Mirin could lock her outside until she learned to play nice. She's not even as nice as a cat, and that's saying something because cats are—

"–And if you think you can, then you're wrong."

Mirin sighs. "Alright, yes. I'm terrible. Hate to run, but I have work to do."

Mirin turns and walks out the door, she doesn't quite catch what Remi yells after her, probably for the best. She goes downstairs and makes her way to the parlor. 

She spots one of the maids, and thinks why not. "Bring me a drink would you? I don't care what."

"Yes, my lord." She bows her head and hurries off.

Mirin sprawls on one of the chairs, near the fire. 

Her thoughts drift toward Ara and Klaes— _Nicholas._

The maid comes back, cup in hand, and Mirin takes it gratefully. "Thank you."

She knows worrying won't protect them, but she can't help it. There are about a thousand things that can kill you on campaign, disease, starvation, exhaustion, hostile townspeople, and that's before you ever see a battlefield.

Silas appears next to her. "Hey, Mirin."

Mirin starts, she was so lost in thought she didn't hear him walk over.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." 

"No, it's fine. I was just thinking." Mirin says.

Silas sits in the chair across from her. "About what?"

Mirin sighs, leaning back in her chair. "Do you want a wife Silas? Because you can have mine."

Silas laughs. "Not what I was expecting you to say."

"Just don't tell Ara. Or Corisande. Better yet, take her, I'll tell them she ran away. I'll pay you. I'm sure she would learn to love you, it'd be fine." 

"I'm not sure that's legal." He says. "Have you tried talking to her?"

 _Talking._ Ugh. "I like my idea better." Mirin says.

"I hope you're kidding." Silas says.

"Maybe. Are you interested, and would you think I'm a bad person?" She is joking.

Mostly.

Silas starts laughing again. He waves a hand. "I won't kidnap your wife, but I can give you some advice if you want it."

Mirin takes a drink. "Fine." She speaks before he does. "Sometimes it's just-I wake up and it hits me how wrong everything is. I—"  
Mirin stops. She doesn't know what to say. 

Silas looks at her and Mirin glances away. She can't handle pity.

"I won't say I know how you feel because I don't, but I think you should allow yourself to let go a little." He says.

Mirin's brows draw together. "What does that mean? I can't just _let go_ of my brother."

"No I didn't mean, just– I'm not saying you should move past it, I just mean you shouldn't feel guilty for living your life, or for being happy with it. You–"

"This isn't about him."

Silas takes a breath. "Are you sure?"

" _Yes, I'm sure_." She says sharply. "It's about the fact that I'll spend the rest of my life with someone I didn't want to marry. We may get along, even like one another, but that's the reality of the situation. We didn't choose this, didn't choose each other, we both know it and that fact will continue to cause problems." 

Silas looks at her, eyes wide.

 _And_ she didn't mean to say that. Never let herself think about it. She doesn't need anymore unhappiness in her life.

So into the vault it goes.

They sit in uncomfortable silence, and Mirin internally slaps herself for being so stupid.

Finally she clears her throat. "Anyway, I'm sure everything will be fine." She stands. "Alright, I have to pretend to do my job."

Silas offers a small smile. "Alright. Good luck, _Lord Mirin."_

Mirin shakes her head, amused despite herself.

She walks to the study and she tries not to think about it. Any of it.

She opens the door and gets that peculiar feeling. She's only been in here once since he left, being alone in here gives her the sense that she's about to get into trouble for messing around in his study, like when she was small. She smiles a little at that.

She sits at the desk, and starts rifling through papers. For once she's glad Ara is so particular, everything is organized. Now, if only she knew what any of it was. 

She glances at some notes, not really paying attention. She remembers playing in here when she was a girl, and then later with Laurence. She'd play with him for hours, keep him entertained so Corisande could rest and Ara could work.

Things were good then. 

She knows she shouldn't think about it. She tries not to think of him _—them._

It occurs to her the list of people she can't think about is growing.

Her mother, Laurence, Camilla. 

She doesn't know what she'll do if she loses her father next, only that she wouldn't be able to endure it. Not now. 

Mirin must've been sitting there longer than she thought, it's dark out now.

"Mirin?" 

Mirin quickly wipes her cheeks. "Hey, Avri."

"Are you okay?" Avri's frowning, brows drawn together.

"I'm fine." She says quickly.

Avri walks over to the desk, her face tells Mirin she's not convinced. "You don't have to be. I'm not most of the time." Avri says quietly.

Mirin glances away. She doesn't want to talk about this now. She wonders why no one can leave her alone today. Remi, Mal, Silas, now Avri.

"You know what I hate? When people say, it will be alright or it'll get better, when they know it's not true." Avri says exasperatedly.

"That's why I say I'm sorry instead. No point in lying to people." Mirin says. 

"Do you think it will get better?" Avri's voice is barely a whisper.

Mirin looks at her then. "I don't know. I hope so, but I don't think it will ever be alright. How could it be?"

Avri nods, looking down at her hands. She is quiet for a moment, then she sighs. "I wish I had something really smart and poetic to say." 

Mirin laughs, she can't help it. She looks at her, really looks. She has grown, Avri will be as tall as her soon. That makes her kind of sad. She remembers when Avri was little, and they'd play hide-and-seek, or go on 'adventures' in the woods.

Mirin feels tears slipping down her cheeks again, she doesn't know why. Maybe she's just maudlin today.

She won't make the same mistake twice.

She gets up and walks over to Avri, pulling her close. "What–" Avri's voice is muffled.

"I love you." 

Alright.

That's a little much.

"Even though you're bratty and annoying." Mirin says.

Avri pulls away, frowning again. "You've been drinking, haven't you?"

Mirin's actually surprised. "What? No. Well–no. Why would you think that?"

Avri looks at her, searching her face.

They are both just standing there. It's almost as bad as the thing with Ara, why does she keep doing this to herself? 

Avri's face crumples, then she starts to cry. Which was _not_ supposed to happen. "Avri? Are you okay? What did I—"

Avri pulls her into a hug. "You're stupid." She sniffles.

Mirin is surprised, and for a moment she doesn't do anything. Then she remembers how arms work and starts patting Avri on the back. She isn't very good at this. 

Avri squeezes her before stepping back. She's still crying, and Mirin isn't doing this. "Would you stop?" 

Avri wipes her cheeks. "You started it."

Mirin looks away. "Yeah, and I'll start again if you don't stop."

Avri laughs, but she's still rubbing her eyes.

Mirin looks down at her hands, which are suddenly very interesting. 

"You're a pretty good sister." Avri says softly.

And damnit, she told Avri to _stop._ "You are too, most of the time."

Avri huffs. "Well, I was going to tell you goodnight, so goodnight." She says, fiddling with her sleeve. 

Mirin offers a small smile.

Avri turns toward the doors, she stops and looks back at Mirin, then she's walking over, hugging her again.

Mirin runs her hand along her back. Avri pulls away.

"Goodnight, Avri." 

Avri smiles before she turns to leave, walking out the door and down the hall.

Mirin stands there. She's tired. She scrubs a hand over her face, she sits, leaning back.

Sometimes it feels almost pointless.

Just—

Everything.

If you love someone either you're going to watch them die, or they're going to watch you die. 

She'd almost believe life is easier when you're alone.They say that's sad, but watching the people you love die is sad. Having them hurt you is sad. Having them disappoint you is sad. So really, it's either feel sad now because you're alone, or feel sad later after you've lost everyone.

Either way you're fucking sad.

Mirin sighs. 

She sits there awhile longer, stating at the wall. Eventually she forces herself to finish reading the tallies. 

She won't let him down this time. 


End file.
